Recap D. Wade's Chicago Has Talent at the Harris Theater

What am I willing to do to become a famous stand-up comedian? Last Comic Standing? Sure. America’s Got Talent? Certainly not, David Hasselhoff. Saturday night's Chicago Has Talent? Why yes, the specificity of location and proper grammar makes a world of difference. So does the fact that all proceeds from this first annual talent competition benefitted Dwyane Wade’s World Foundation supporting local charities. “Who’s Dwyane Wade?” my mom and all the other white females of America ask themselves, as an image of Dwyane Wayne flashes before their eyes. Well, Mom, I found out he’s a sexy black man who plays a mean game of basketball and does nice things for underprivileged kids in this country. And he’s not single.
 
12:57 p.m.: I arrive at the Harris Theater in Millennium Park. The 14 local finalists (auditioned and selected by a top-notch casting director) are asked to arrive at 1 p.m. for the 7:30 p.m. show. Seven out of 14 acts are present. I’m the only comedian on the show. And I’m a girl. Also, I'm already scared this 12-year-old is going to kick my ass:

 
1:04 p.m.: No one is speaking. Perhaps because a waiver was just passed around saying, “Performer forever waives all claims, liability, damages, and expenses of any kind (including personal injuries to Performer and wrongful death) against Wade’s World Foundation, Inc.” I gladly sign. Harris Theater seats over 1,500 people; it’s the biggest audience I’ve ever entertained. (Singing "…Baby One More Time" for a Carnival Cruise guest talent show does not count.)
 
1:06 p.m.: I read on: “Performer attests that Performer is physically fit and trained sufficiently for the Show.” I woke up early to do two sets of microphone curls (which is harder for a female comic), and I can stand for at least eight hours, so I'll be fine.
 
1:19 p.m.: We’re taken to the basement of the theater where the Performers’ Lounge is located. We’ll be spending some* time here.
 
1:25 p.m.: All the performers have filed into the lounge. The larger groups are Kaotic: Drumline, Be The Groove: Rhythm Percussion Dancers and, Money In The Pocket (from Christine Belpedio’s School Of Dance). There’s something unsettling (in a JonBenet sort of way) about a glittered six-year-old in hot-pants and kneepads that have fake money pouring out of them. Booty shaking and body rolls to come.
 
2:09 p.m.: They feed us sandwiches and an assortment of chips. Turkey is first to go. I get stuck with veggie, which turns out to be just cheese and lettuce.
 
3:30 p.m.: I decide to cut the words "boner" and "sexual harassment" from my set. Not enough earmuffs to go around.
 
6:41 p.m.: I venture outside for cell phone service and the light of day. I come back with coffee. Oh and I found Waldo while I was walking down Randolph.
 
7:15 p.m.: I come back to find performers fueling up on the only victuals available: chips. Amazing human beatboxer Yuri Lane is in a Frito coma.
 
8:05 p.m.: The show starts 35 minutes behind schedule. You can hear the crowd screaming as Dwyane Wade opens the show with a welcome speech and introduction of the judges: Michael Johns (American Idol season 7), Claire Simon, Chaz Ortiz (a 15-year-old pro skateboarding judge? Sure!), Tony Scofield, and Jamie Hector (The Wire's Marlo Stanfield). 
 
8:22 p.m.: Host and comic Gary Owen introduces me to the crowd as someone who loves ice cream. (Per my request.)

• “Stand-up is one the of hottest art forms and you nailed it.”
• “Stand-up is one of the hardest art forms and you nailed it.”
• (He has an Aussie accent and I couldn’t decipher it.)

9:12 p.m.: All the acts (beatboxers, drumline, magicians, dancers, band, singers, comedian) await the results the judges have determined through a point system.  Which, much like Democracy, never fails to deliver an accurate result.

9:25 p.m.: Talented singer Kerri Grant says she has already won by being in the finals, isn’t stressed about placing in the top three, and does not expect to. I’m thinking about what I could buy with a $500 check card.

9:35 p.m.: The winners are announced and I am not one of them. I’m disappointed but it’s nothing an Oreo cheesecake can’t help.

*9 hours

Beth Stelling performs with Chicago Underground Comedy Sept. 29.