Debaser: Mike Ditka

People are always asking us to help plug something of theirs—an upcoming show, a new record, some book they wrote. Because we’re not in the pandering business, we think there should be a trade-off. Debaser allows these folks to plug whatever they want, with one caveat: They also have to tell us something embarrassing about themselves. This week, The A.V. Club tracks down Mike Ditka (he insisted on meeting at his restaurant) to get an earful about his many, many business ventures—and to learn that nothing fazes da Coach.

The A.V. Club: What would you like to plug? Your restaurant?
Mike Ditka: I have my own line of wine, my own line of cigars, I’ve got everything, but that’s not the point. People can find it, buy it, and they like it. They don’t like it, they don’t buy it. I’m not too caught up in that stuff. I’m doing some stuff in clothing lines. It’s good stuff but, you know, everybody has got some good stuff. You want to buy the other one? Buy the other one. It doesn’t bother me one bit.
AVC: How do you decide which products you are going to sell?
MD: People come to me and ask me if I would be willing to put my name on it. I say, “Why?” They said it would sell more that way. I say, "Let me see the product." Especially with the wine—now, the wine’s a good wine. The cigars: the same way. My Bloody Mike Mix is made by Davis. They are a great company so a lot of good products. They’re all good products. Everybody has good products.
AVC: When you have dinner parties, do you serve exclusively products you endorse?
MD: At my house? I don’t serve anybody else’s wine anymore. If you want somebody else’s wine bring it. You can drink it if you want to but I ain’t serving it.
AVC: Do you look down on them for bringing it?
MD: No. I just never speak to them again.
AVC: What's the secret to your restaurant's success?
MD: The secret is being consistent. Don’t be this and then be that.
AVC: Do you come here every time you are in town?
MD: I only go here. I’m trying to think of the last time I ate at another restaurant in Chicago. It really has [been a while]. I’m not trying to avoid it. I went out with some friends on the South Side for some steaks once.
AVC: Okay, time for an embarrassing story.
MD: [Long pause.] My golf game is embarrassing. I played gin the other day and some lady beat me. That’s embarrassing. [Pause.] Nothing bothers me. I roll with the punches at my age. I have a good life and I enjoy it.
AVC: What about when you were a kid?
MD: I think you always have a lot of embarrassing moments over the years. I had a tough father so I got my ass whooped when I got out of line. It didn’t matter. I didn’t try to embarrass my father or my family because he raised me the old way.
AVC: Anything specific that got you in trouble?
MD: I got in trouble all the time. Once we threw rotten tomatoes at somebody’s house. We thought it was cute. They were kind of a pain-in-the-ass family. Somebody was an asshole. We thought so anyway.
AVC: Maybe there's an embarrassing school story? What was your worst subject?
MD: Well, I went to school to be a dentist, so I took a lot of chemistry and physics and calculus. It wasn’t my forté. I liked history. I liked things that I could understand. I didn’t want to get into something I wasn’t going to use the rest of my life. Like, algebra is a wonderful thing? Come on. Cut it out. The multiplication table is a wonderful thing? Get out of here. Be quiet. What are you going to do with it? It had no application in my life at all. I guess if you are going to be a scientist they might have to wonder how many molecules are in this or that. It doesn’t affect 99 percent of us.
AVC: Did anything embarrassing happen to you when girls were around?
MD: I basically married my high school sweetheart. We had four kids and got divorced. She is still my friend. I don’t know.
AVC: It must not be a big deal anymore.
MD: Everything goes away. [Pause.] My sex drive goes away. [Smirks.]