Blog Eat it, sausage: Isn’t it about time we had character races at our sporting events?

The Brewers have the sausage races, the Nationals presidents, and the Pirates pierogies. Isn’t it about time that a Chicago sports team had a legitimate race between relatively inanimate objects? Random fans shooting half-court shots is fun and all, but how about something we can all get behind—and more importantly, something you don’t have to watch animated on a Jumbotron.

The A.V. Club has come up with some options for halftime and seventh inning stretch promotions for local teams because, well, why not? If we can hit on a good idea, we can ignite a merchandise revolution in a team shop or a point of bar fight contention between incredibly belligerent and arbitrary drunks. Please contribute any additional options in the captions, because we can’t do this alone. It takes a city, people.

Roombas
Hear us out here. People love Zambonis at hockey games. They can watch them zip around as the ice gets visibly smoother below them. Why not set up a four-track down the middle of the ice at that time, get the Roomba corporation to modify some of their awesome carpet cleaners to smooth ice, and bam, we’ve got a competition. If turtle racing at bars is popular and people will cross heaven and earth for a wiener dog marathon, Roombas can be just as popular and will require a lot less food and physical affection. Plus, Roombas get smarter each time they clean the same room or run the same route, so as a team’s season goes on, the competition will get more and more heated.
Alternate suggestions: Instead of using ballboys with Swiffers at Bulls games, why not sweat-sucking Roombas? Aren’t machines better than humans at everything anyway?

The Berenstain Bears
Sure, you could throw four random fans in silly bear heads and make them race around Wrigley or Soldier Field, but wouldn’t it spice things up if the bears already had names and fans of their own? Pump it up with the nostalgia factor of remembering childhood and you’ve entered a perfect storm of marketing. Enter The Berenstain Bears, childhood favorites and characters who, if nothing else, will at least play fair. Can Mama run in that dress and carrying Honey, the baby? Will Brother or Sister reign supreme? Will Papa let everyone else beat him, or will he do his best just to teach a lesson about fairness?
Alternate suggestions: Four people in Harry Caray glasses, right down to the old man’s prescription, play dizzy bat baseball and then make a run for the finish line. For Bears games, have fans run dressed as Ditka, except with mustaches as blindfolds instead of lip decoration.

A sock race
It’s like a sack race, but with giant socks, you see. Get that thing sponsored by Hanes and the White Sox have a spot-on tie-in that the Red Sox will kick themselves for not thinking of first. Make all the socks white, of course, but they can have players’ numbers on them, stripes, whatever. First person to make it from the outfield to home plate wins.
Alternate suggestions: Put all contestants in different colored Southpaw costumes and see how fast they can get from the infield to the very top of the Cell.

Set people on fire
This one’s admittedly not very well thought-out, but the Chicago Fire could set fans on fire. Maybe not literally, but maybe give them a long wick and the first person to run over to a bucket of water before it gets to their hands—or better, butt of their pants—wins. It’s not glorious and certainly not legal, but hell if we wouldn’t pay to see someone with literal hot pants.
Alternate suggestions: Dress fans up in pairs as Mrs. O’Leary and her cow, all clad in different dress/bell color combinations. How fast can they get a bucket of water from point A to point B without spilling it? Bonus points if it gets super sloppy and the Fire can somehow hire Marc Summers to come in and host this event.

Take it from Seville
We should probably have a running of the Bulls, right? Not literal Bulls, but what if once a year, there was a race where everyone got a headstart on Joakim Noah, Derrick Rose, Michael Jordan, etc. who then had to chase you down, tag you, and then force you to pony up money for charity? It would be held in a contained city street race course, but would have that whole “most dangerous game” aspect to it. While not a halftime competition, it would inspire fans and non-fans alike, particularly ones with some weird, underlying bloodlust. Bonus points if it can be tied into the forthcoming Hunger Games movie somehow.
Alternate suggestions: Actual bulls, maybe? People wearing bull horns trying to pop balloons at halftime? Now we’re just getting a little too Double Dare.