Eugene Mirman answers your questions about sex, life, and love

Comedians Of Comedy Tour veteran and Flight Of The Conchords regular Eugene Mirman knows a little about telling you what to do: His website features a running advice column, Ask Eugene. He served as a “sexpert” for Maxim. And his new book, The Will To Whatevs: A Guide To Modern Life, offers advice on things like office parties, school, and “what to do with your fine arts degree in today’s capitalist world.” With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, and Mirman slated to read from his book Feb. 13 at The Book Cellar, The A.V. Club thought it would be appropriate to have online readers submit questions about sex or love for Eugene to answer. And he did.

Does love really have anything to do with sex? I love my family and my friends, but I usually don’t have sex with them. So why do some girls want me to say “I love you” before they will have sex with me? Wouldn’t “I want to have sex with you” be more appropriate? —Scott
 
Dear Scott,
Girls want you to say that because you’re in high school. Grownup girls just want you to call them dirty names, compliment them on their knowledge of current affairs, and act enthusiastic about their new hats. No one makes you pretend to love them anymore once you grow up; that only happens in the recent remake of Knight Rider.

I’ve just recently gotten engaged, and my soon-to-be-wife and I are both kind of cash-strapped agnostics. It’s the first time for both of us, so we’d really like to do it right and include as many friends and family as possible. So my question is twofold: a) how to create a solemn and meaningful ceremony without a religious element and find the right person to officiate it, and b) how to make a nice wedding for 100 or so guests on the cheap. Please help! —Groomy Gus
 
Dear Gus,
You should have a good friend get a license to officiate your wedding. It’s easy. Most states can give you a one-day certificate. Just make sure you tell him (or her) not to swear (nothing makes a wedding more weird than someone going, “Do you take this fucking man to be…”) Also, make sure they aren’t Wiccan or into emo. Next, find a cool space somewhere to rent or use—a nearby farm, a music venue, a well-off friend’s parents’ summer home. Buy all the food and liquor yourselves (or make it a pot luck and cash bar) and hire a few people to serve, clean up, and help out. Now the fun part—hire some celebrity impersonators. A few suggestions: Michael Jackson, Ashton Kutcher, Slash, Robert De Niro, and Roman Polanski. (No one knows what he looks like, so feel free to just get an old guy to walk around going, “I’m Roman Polanski!”) People will remember it. If you want to take it to another level, give the wedding a simple theme, like “beach wedding,” “Old West wedding,” or “barely legal.”
 
What is a good gift to give on Valentine’s Day to someone you have been going out with for a few months? —Brian K.
 
Dear Brian,
There is a really cool service that turns photos into paintings on canvas. You should take a great photo of your dick and have it blown up into a cool painting. If you’re too much of a wuss to do that, then pretty earrings or something for her stupid cat.
 
Congratulations on a book. Saw you open for Stella back in New York, good stuff. Mr. Mirman, I must ask you the question whether or not you think it would a smart life choice to enroll in the Peace Corps. Now, I am only a high school senior. But when I go to college I want to just travel abroad. I'm going to attend college but afterward, instead of getting a job right away would joining the Corps seem reasonable? Thank you. —Brian
 
Dear Brian,
Sure. It seems fine. Luckily, I think you’re asking what you should do five years from now—I can’t tell, because some of what you wrote is either in broken English, or a coded message for help. Good news! You can decide later. Joining the Peace Corps is totally reasonable, unless it changes by then and instead of educating and empowering disadvantaged peoples, it is solely an organization that sends upper-middle-class 20-somethings to Kenya and Mongolia to have sex while poor people watch.
 
I don’t normally write for advice, but that bitch Miss Manners has repeatedly ignored my many e-mails. You’re the only one I can turn to. How much hotter than your partner(s) do you have to be to get them to do freaky stuff during sex? Do you have to be Angelina-hot to pull out the bit gag, or is Tina-hot sufficient? —Freaky in D.C.
 
Dear Freaky,
You probably don’t need to be Angelina-hot. How freaky do you mean, though? “Put a finger in someone’s bottom” freaky, or “Dress up like a Nazi, cry, and jerk off on your feet” freaky? Regardless, this chart should help you:
Equal hotness = some spanking, mumbling dirty things
1 level hotter = Talking dirty (even if it’s embarrassing), wearing silly shoes
2 levels hotter = some weird butt-related things, kissing feet, yelling “Take it, bitch!”
3 levels hotter = pretending to be racist, having sex over and over ’til it’s unpleasant
4 levels hotter = three-way with same-sex person, filling pants with ice cream
5 levels hotter = peeing in a bathtub, wearing a zipper mask, punching each other
8 levels hotter = poop followed by self-loathing.

Thanks for everything you do. You are “totes” the best. My question is, why do people get love and sex confused all the time? Follow-up question: Do you have problems telling them apart? Thanks times infinity. —Zach
 
Dear Zach,
People confuse the two because starting in 7th grade, kids are taught to not have sex unless they are in love and married. They’re taught this to avoid getting pregnant—because it is a huge headache and involves MOUNDS of paperwork. However, as they get older, they still believe that stuff. Also, some people (we’ll call them “girls”) respect themselves and don’t want to risk getting pregnant with some random dude who wants to experience four minutes of bliss and then go play Medal Of Honor 4.
 
I think my family suspects that I’m gay, as I’ve never been in a long-term relationship and have never brought a girl home from college. I’m not gay; I’m just more interested in one-night stands. How do I tactfully tell my grandma, for instance, that I’m only interested in getting my dick wet?
 
Dear Mr. Wet,
Why don’t you tell them a story about a few dates with girls you’ve gone on? A charming anecdote about a girl will let them know you’re not gay, just figuring things out. Also, consider being in a long-term relationship, you emotionally stunted baby-man. Another option is to invite your grandmother to be your friend on Facebook and then constantly update your status with, “[your name] is in Sarah Horowitz” or whatever.