Faking your way through the Bears' off-season
As spring turns into summer, the threat increases of being cornered at a cookout or a party by some sports-obsessed dude who has opted, in the wake of the Bulls' playoff defeat and uninspiring seasonal starts from the Cubs and the Sox, to focus on the true avocation of a Chicago sports fan: Waiting 'till next year. And right now, the most next-year-ish thing Chicago has going for it is the upcoming Bears season. With the NFL about halfway to kickoff, Decider—with the help of some full-time Bears fans at the Tribune, ESPN, and Bears blog Windy City Gridiron—assembled a cheat sheet to guide casual fans through a conversation with that guy in the brand-new Jay Cutler jersey.
The Jay Cutler trade
What you should know: After learning his new coach tried to trade him behind his back, Pro Bowl quarterback Jay Cutler demanded to be traded from the Denver Broncos to a team that would be more honest with him, and more appreciative of his talents. After about a month of rising tension, he was finally shipped to Chicago in exchange for incumbent QB Kyle Orton, the Bears' 2009 and 2010 first-round draft picks, and a 2009 third-round selection.
What you should talk about: The reason this trade is so exciting is that Cutler's an exceptional talent at a position the Bears have struggled with for many decades. ESPN Radio's Jeff Dickerson advises reaching back to the last time we had someone we could believe in taking the snaps. "Say something like, 'It's great that the Bears finally have their first franchise quarterback since Sid Luckman'"—who defined the position for the team back in the '40s, and whose replacement has been sought ever since—and Dickerson insists you're golden. "Unless you're talking to a guy in his 80s, nobody will ask you any sort of follow-up question because nobody born after World War II ever saw the guy play."
Dead giveaways to avoid: Going overboard with expectations. Everyone's all excited to have a quarterback of Cutler's caliber in navy blue and orange, but he has yet to actually take a snap in a Bears uniform. Insisting that he'll lead the team to the Super Bowl shows definite naïveté.
Free-agent signings
What you should know: In a surprising and promising move, the Bears spent much of their off-season money on rebuilding the offensive line—the five guys who block to give the quarterback time to throw and the running back room to run—which has been a weak point for the team since the 2006 Super Bowl season. New acquisitions include probable guard Frank Omiyale and tackles Kevin Shaffer and Orlando Pace, as well as blocking tight end Michael Gaines. The most exciting of these additions is Pace, a future Hall of Famer, at left tackle, which is notorious for being the most difficult position on the line.
What you should talk about: Chicago Tribune columnist Steve Rosenbloom strongly suggests shifting any conversation on the Bears off-season to the free-agent linemen, if only to throw a die-hard fan off your scent while faking it. He recommends saying something like, "'Great upgrade! Orlando Pace gave up seven fewer sacks than [departed left tackle] John St. Clair'," explaining that "the most insightful fraud is when you move from the glamour position of quarterback to the grunts on the line."
Dead giveaways to avoid: Taking it for granted that Pace will make it through the whole season. As Adam Tracey, who co-maintains SBNation's Bears blog, Windy City Gridiron, points out, "Pace is an all-world left tackle. He's also all-world injury prone." He's widely considered the best blocker of his generation, with a résumé that includes seven Pro-Bowl appearances, and the term "pancake block," where the defender is laid out flat on his back, was coined for him. He's also nearing the end of his career, and closed out both the 2006 and 2007 seasons on the injured reserve list.
The Draft
What you should know: In the wake of the Cutler trade, the Bears found themselves without a first-round or a third-round draft pick, which limited what they were able to accomplish in the draft. Though, they did manage to assemble an impressive group of second-tier talent, including San José State defensive lineman Jarron Gilbert, Oklahoma wide receiver Juaquin Iglesias, and Vanderbilt cornerback D.J. Moore.
What you should talk about: When talking about the incoming rookie class, everyone's restricted to dealing in speculation, so you can use that to your advantage. A single well-dropped reference to a player's college career will suggest a great depth of knowledge and insight. Windy City Gridiron co-maintainer Gavin Tugana, a die-hard college football observer, offers a few nuggets that you can probably get away with context-free: "'Jarron Gilbert played against subpar competition, so there are questions on how his game will translate, but there's no doubt about his athleticism,'" is the sort of line that will quiet anyone who didn't just move to town after graduating from San José State. If you're more interested in dropping a fun fact into the dialogue, the Tribune's Dan Pompei suggests mentioning that the drafting of Moore means the Bears have more Vanderbilt alumni on their roster than any other team in the NFL. "For extra credit," he says, "they're Cutler, [right tackle] Chris Williams, [receiver] Earl Bennett, D.J. Moore, and [linebacker] Hunter Hillenmeyer."
Dead giveaways to avoid: Jarron Gilbert became an Internet sensation thanks to a YouTube video that featured him jumping out of the shallow end of a swimming pool and landing on his feet, an unlikely feat of athleticism that has led some to suggest that the video is a hoax, and that Gilbert's walking in reverse. But he's one of Chicago's boys now, and that sort of cynicism is reserved for the jealous bastards in Green Bay and Minnesota.
Said video:
