From the desk of "Sex" Ed Vincent, amateur sex education enthusiast

The State of Illinois Newspapers Association requires the inclusion of the following disclaimer: Ed Vincent is an amateur sex education enthusiast whose musings are for entertainment/novelty purposes only. He is in no way licensed, trained, or qualified to dispense sex education information. Any legitimate facts included in his article are almost surely accidental.

Sex education enthusiast “Sex” Ed Vincent here, with some tips 'n' tactics on how to put some extra “vroooom!” in your Valentine’s Day. It’s the holiday of love, candy, kids putting cards in one another’s decorated shoe boxes, and most important, sex! With my unique sex education perspective, we’re going to explore how to make this the best Valentine’s Day ever for you and your special someone. So if you’re single, you can stop reading now and just pick up an American Apparel catalog.

Fellas: Impress your girlfriend with interesting sexual education facts
Everyone knows a lady’s biggest erogenous zone is her mind. So, guys, get her motor running in these make-or-break Valentine’s Day moments. Show off your huge, throbbing brain by dazzling her with little-known sex ed. facts, good for any time the mood strikes:

MOMENT: During an intimate embrace.
FACT: Whisper that the pH level of her vagina is approximately 4.

MOMENT: Kissing or foreplay (heavy petting).
FACT: Explain how the lubricating properties of your pre-ejaculate can be observed as it collects on a thumb or microscope slide for observation.

MOMENT: During a bout of lovemaking. 
FACT: Point out that 38 percent of men feel guilty for fantasizing about other women while having sex with their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.

MOMENT: The refractory period of 10-15 minutes where you struggle to become rigid again (the difference between rigid and flaccid is more than 5 letters!).
FACT: Describe how a dog can often become aroused by seeing ghosts.

MOMENT: A lingering kiss at sunrise.
FACT: Wow her by offhandedly calculating that if collected together, the volume of Sting’s semen withheld from ejaculation during tantric sex since the release of his 1985 LP The Dream Of Blue Turtles would be enough to extinguish the sun.

Ladies: Do something special in the bedroom for once!
Gals, this is the only holiday of the year other than Halloween where it’s okay to act on your dirtiest fantasies without owning up to them. Tomorrow you can just blame it on Cupid—the boy in the diaper who likes to watch. In fact, you may as well get another use out of that "sexy _____" costume and work it into an erotic roleplay. Here are a few sample scenarios to spice up your bedplay, Valentine’s Day-style!

SEXNARIO 1: You’ve just foiled a burglary attempt! You’re holding that robber at bay with a machete while awaiting the police. You decide to take off the cat burglar’s ski mask to confront him face to face, mano a mano. To your surprise, the burglar is of at least medium attractiveness (your husband)! Just then, the radio announces that a Russian nuclear missile will strike within 18 to 35 minutes. Since you’re going to die anyway, you consensually decide to have intercourse (optional: one of you wears the ski mask).

SEXNARIO 2: Your man has been bitten on the genitals by a poisonous bird. In order to save his life, you must act quickly and suck all of the (bird) venom out.

SEXNARIO 3: Sight-seeing at the Great Pyramids of Egypt, you and another tourist get separated from the rest of the group. By pressing on a certain pyramid brick, a secret passageways opens up. The two of you slide down a long slide and land in a hidden pyramid chamber. After two days, you consensually decide to have intercourse on King Tut’s coffin, which brings him back to life.

Gay guys: Go clubbing!

So there it is, gang: Valentine’s Day. It only comes around once a year if we’re lucky, so I hope these tips 'n' teachings have been helpful and even inspirational. Just use your imagination and make it a special day in the sex department. Heck, try something new that you always thought would be exciting, like mutual autoerotic asphyxiation or letting the parakeet watch you dry hump for a little bit. What’s the worst that can happen, you get dumped? Oops. Last time I checked, they call 'em calendars because 364 squares later, you’re gonna be right back where you started from and a year older—if you didn’t die. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Paul Brittain is a Chicago-based improv and sketch comedian; his one-man show "Sex" Ed Vincent plays tonight at iO.