Gettin' busy in a giant sandwich: A guide to Chicagoland's bizarrely themed love hotels

Every year around this time, newspapers and local TV channels run stories about “spicing up relationships” and “romantic getaways,” with hazy shots of roses and people in Jacuzzis clinking champagne flutes while a softly lilting saxophone plays in the background. Problem is, guzzling champagne and downing oysters is far from spicy—it's predictable. Fortunately, Chicago offers a lot of opportunities for open-minded couples with very specific fantasies. These themed hotels feature private heart-shaped whirlpools, ceiling mirrors aplenty, and cater to an array of fantasies: Jungle love; medieval knights; alien; The Flintstones. In the name of love, The A.V. Club tracked down the sexiest/weirdest of these hotels so that you and your lover can live out the eccentric fantasy you've been repressing come Valentine's Day.

Your fantasy: Foodie sex
Ideal hotel: The “out to lunch” room at Rainbow Pink Palace (7050 W. Archer Ave., 773-229-0707)
Amenities: A sandwich-shaped bed with a mirror over it. According to the hotel's website, “this suite is for people who enjoy lunch without leaving their bed.” Either that's a metaphor, or they left out the fact that you can fuck on a giant cold cut.
How if fits into a perfect date: To really keep the sandwich theme going all night, grab a romantic sub from Potbelly, .32 miles away according to the hotel. For the fellas, grab a smoked ham for yourself and a mushroom melt for your special lady, then head back to the room to watch George enjoying a ham sandwich during sex on Seinfeld. 
How to make a reservation: Reservations via telephone only. The hotel is currently offering special Valentine's Day packages, which include a rose, balloons, a box of chocolates, and a bottle of sparkling wine. If you're imaginative, the package also includes free mayonnaise on the sheets. 

Your fantasy: Batman and Robin, cops/criminal role-play, cat costumes
Ideal hotel: The “Gotham City” room at Gurnee's Hollywood Inn And Suites (3740 Grand Ave., Gurnee, 847-623-7777).
Amenities: A '60s-style Batmobile Jacuzzi, complete with headlights, plus a 360-degree airbrushed mural of Gotham. Other than a crafty butler, what more do you need?
How it fits into a perfect date: Pick up a little source material from Libertyville's Dreamland Comics, or, in season, check out Batman: The Ride or The Dark Knight Coaster at Six Flags Great America, just blocks away from the hotel. Or if you absolutely don't want to leave the Lovecave, just watch The Dark Knight again—as if you really need an excuse. The hotel also boasts an Area 51 room, in case donning a cape doesn't help you get your boy wonder up. 

Your fantasy: Being rich enough to own an indoor swimming pool, supplementing your steamy sex with more steam
Ideal hotel: The Chalet Swimming Pool Suite at nearby Sybaris locations (3350 Milwaukee Ave., Northbrook, 847-298-5000)
Amenities: This bad boy features a private 22-foot swimming pool “heated to a sultry 92 degrees,” a 10-foot waterslide, waterfall, steam room, and a massage chair. The major challenge: How sensual can you be while doing a cannonball?
How it fits into a perfect date: Both locations' websites list pizza places as nearby restaurants, so lovers could order up some deep dish, wait an hour, and then swim until their lips turn blue. Also, "Marco Polo" has the potential to get really nasty.

Your fantasy: Ingesting shrooms, horses of all shapes and sizes
Ideal hotel: “Carousel Dreamer” at the Gurnee Grand (5520 Grand Avenue, Gurnee, 847-249-7777)
Amenities: A round bed surrounded by creepy carousel horses and copious blacklights. The Gurnee Grand also offers the Lion's Liar (where you can sleep in a cage) and the Roman Romp room (finally, a place to wear that tunic you got for Christmas) for considerably less demented fantasies.
How it fits into a perfect date: Couples can hit up the Chuck E. Cheese (1512 Nations Drive, Gurnee, 847-249-1120) just down the road for some games, then head back to the room for some rides. Just stay out of the ball pit unless you know what you're doing.