GWAR's Guide To Throwing A Kick-Ass Halloween Party

This is the time of year when well-intentioned hosts find themselves throwing poorly planned and lamely executed holiday parties. Halloween bashes are no exception, as they're largely a ruse to get grown-ups to wear shoddy store-bought costumes and ingest toxic levels of alcohol. Therefore, The A.V. Club has turned to GWAR (which plays the House Of Blues tonight),  an interplanetary metal band that exudes Halloween on a daily basis, to explain what an ideal party should encompass. Manager Sleazy P. Martini stepped in for the rest of the group (who were allegedly in a crack-induced stupor) to explain what makes for a spook-tacular celebration. Take notes.

GOODY BAG
Sleazy P. Martini: The goody bag would consist of disembodied vulva, nipple chips, pubic-hair candyfloss, and blood pudding made with fake blood. We don't wanna gross anyone out or something.

REFRESHMENTS
SPM: Brain squeezings. Just brain juice. No brain. The juice.
The A.V. Club: What kind of brain?
SPM: A human baby brain. Not even born yet. It has to be embryonic. That's when it's most tender and juicy.
AVC: So from an abortion, you mean?
SPM: Yeah. Well, I mean, we don't even want to abort it. We want to run the woman and the child through the grinder simultaneously. It's fresher. Tastier. And the screams and horror that are imbued within the molecules of the juice just makes it that much more sublime.
AVC: How does that taste?
SPM: Shitty. But I'm a human; I don't drink that shit. But GWAR likes it. I can't explain it. Then again, they smell like shit all the time, so I guess it's pretty aromatic to them.

MUSIC
SPM: Arthur Godfrey, Lucia Pamela. Have the Olsen Twins done an album? Because that's a must-listen.
AVC: So you'd have them record one specifically for the party?
SPM: Yes. We will record the Olsen Twins as they are raped sideways with a plough. I believe those tones will be dulcimer-like. They're so fuckin' skinny that if you stretch them, you can make them into violin strings. That's what we go for: emaciated, small, pre-teen. Are they still pre-teens? I guess not.

COSTUMES
SPM: Not necessary. Essentially, you show up, we have some special GWAR costume decorators. You will eventually leave wearing your entrails on the outside of your body. And what could be more horrific than that?
AVC: Slutty nurses?
SPM: If I see one more slutty nurse or another fat-assed Bettie Page wannabe in a freakin' cat suit, I'm gonna shove my Mossberg up her ass and blow her IUD through her face. I don't want to see any more slutty stewardesses or the usual clichés. Why is it those chicks feel Halloween is an excuse to be slutty? Why don't they just be slutty all the time?
AVC: They probably are.
SPM: Yeah, well, they just get sluttier. Amp up the slutty. Crank the slutty to 11.
AVC: How about a slutty ghost?
SPM: Slutty ghost? Nah. If the bed sheet is small enough, I guess. But isn't that just a g-string? Who's gonna mistake a white g-string for a ghost? Unless you just write it on it. There's a costume idea free on Sleazy P. Martini.

PARTY GAMES
SPM: GWAR wake up from their crack-induced stupor, bar the doors, and run everyone over with lawnmowers. The lawnmower game's great. You lie down and we run you over with lawnmowers. Nothing is more fun than that. Except maybe if we crap in your mouth before we run you over with a lawnmower.
AVC: How does that enhance the game?
SPM: It's fun for the people who are running you over with lawnmowers. I don't know if it's actually more fun for the people who are getting mowed. We're not in this to entertain the masses. We're in this for self-gratification. What can I say? We're a selfish bunch. Maybe we need therapy. But last time I took GWAR into therapy, they crapped in the therapist's mouth and ran him over with a lawnmower. That didn't work out too well.
AVC: Because it wasn't at a party?
SPM: They have a hard time differentiating appropriate situations. These sort of things happen.

SOUND-EFFECT TAPES
SPM: Sound effects will consist of the Olsen Twins being brutally raped with a plough sideways, of course, but mixed with the old 1964 Walt Disney Chilling, Thrilling Sound Of The Haunted House record. Every kid had one of those. I mean, we had to be wholesome about something. We got walls bedecked with melanoma tumors and Olsen-twin ovaries. We had to scale it back so it doesn't get too shocking. We have our limits. You can count on our sound effects being G-rated. Or PG-rated.
AVC: Not PG-13?
SPM: Not PG-13. That would just be taking it too far. We figured no one would be able to hear our PG-13 sound effects over all the corpse lawn mowing.

INVITATION
SPM: "Dear human scum: You are cordially invited to GWAR's grand 2008 Erectile Dysfunction Halloween party. Please bring any and all celebrities, politicians, and high mucky-mucks who think they are worth more than the shit that is coursing through their bowels at this moment. Clothing optional. We feel that clothing causes problems with the lawnmowers. It twists up the blades. If they could show up naked, that would make the human meat grinding go all the smoother."