A.V. Club: Best of the Decade

How to be successful and French

In 7 easy lessons

how to be famous and french decider Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin, Yelle, Carla Bruni, Sebastien Tellier
by Jessica Jardine, Emily Withrow, and Decider Staff April 9, 2009

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If French songwriter Sebastien Tellier's show in Denver last December is any measure, some things don't translate well. (To be fair, he may or may not have been on LSD and may or may not have thought he was in L.A.) That's why the French supplement their music with handy videos, so that we anthropologists can study them and learn how to become famous in their land. In advance of Sebastien Tellier's show at the Empty Bottle tonight, Decider offers this guide to some of France's music masters' videos.

Sebastien Tellier, "Roche"
tellier the dude collageTellier or The Dude? The teacher: Tellier might take his look from The Dude, but he's as French as they come. The singer-songwriter and instrumentalist includes oohs and ahhs on his tracks, has toured with Air, and his most recent album is Sexuality, which takes advantage of unsuspecting listeners with its slow tempos, synths, and French accents. The 2008 release is R&B meets IDM—inherently cheesy, utterly enthralling, and as over-the-top erotic as Metallica’s Death Magnetic is cartoonishly aggressive. Partial credit goes to Daft Punk’s Guy-Manuel De Homem-Christo, who produced Sexuality.
The lesson: Dress only in white (it's pure), include floating pairs of lips and gigantic women in the video. Then ride over the giant women on horseback. Dream of Smurfette.



Air, "Sexy Boy"
The teachers: Nicolas Godin and Jean-Benoît Dunckel of Air churn out dreamy space-rock that sounds a lot like the chilled insides of a martini glass, particularly on songs like this synth-laden track called “Sexy Boy” off the classic 1998 album Moon Safari.
The lesson: Hip, sexy music need not make sense so long as there is space involved. Also, in France, a “sexy boy” is a tiny stuffed monkey, wearing a cropped T-shirt.

Yelle, "Je Veux Te Voir"
The teacher: Two years ago, French electro singer Yelle appeared on MySpace with a song dissing rappers’ penises. Producer Grand Marnier stepped in to re-produce the track, “Je Veux Te Voir” (which samples 1994’s “Short Dick Man” by 20 Fingers), along with her debut, Pop-Up. Since then, Yelle’s music has found success on MTV, commercials for Gap and H&M, appeared on HBO’s Entourage, and her pretty face graces Reebok ads worldwide. The brown-bobbed songstress has somehow remained relatively under the radar of American audiences, even given her penchant for dazzlingly bright colors and frenetic stage performances—though likely not for long.
The lesson: Channel Joan Of Arc from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure; particularly the scene where she goes nuts doing aerobics in the mall. Make '80s exercising as sexual as possible while singing about dick. Oh, and have amazing legs.



Serge Gainsbourg And Jane Birkin, “J'Taime… Moi Non Plus”
The teacher: French lothario Serge Gainsbourg initially recorded this pulse-racer of a song with his girlfriend, Brigitte Bardot, back in 1968. They broke up and Gainsbourg made the classy move of re-recording and releasing the sultry number with his new lady, the gorgeous English actress Jane Birkin. Lyrically, there's not a lot of mystery as far as what's going on between the two. Over a slow organ and plucking bass, Gainsbourg repeats, “I go, I go, and I come between your loins,” to which Birkin responds, “You are the wave, me the naked island,” before breaking into a breathy orgasm. The seductive song was banned in most countries and even ruffled the Vatican, who denounced it. The video is essentially a montage of home movie-style footage, showing the fresh-faced Birkin grinning inside a row boat and innocently feeding birds in a plaza while Gainsbourg looks entirely Gainsbourgian—staring at her all craggy faced, wearing an open shirt and exposed gold necklace.
The lesson: If a swarthy looking Frenchman with a cartoonishly baritone singing voice dated and convinced two of the planet's most desirable women to join him on a track where he essentially song fucks them to orgasm, anything is possible.

Elmer Food Beat
The teacher: The name Elmer Food Beat might suggest the leisurely pace at which Elmer Fudd would munch on a sandwich, but the name is a bit less friendly in France, where it's an almost pun for "et merde, foutre, bite." This roughly translates to "and shit, fuck, dick." (This, at least according to Wikipedia, is how the band chose its name when someone shouted this during a brainstorming session.) The band hit its peak in the early '90s, but this song, "Le Plastique C'est Fantastique," is timeless.
The lesson: Purchase sex doll with demon face. Love her unabashedly, even when she wears a kerchief/showercap. Dress her and her sex-doll friends in costume; watch them dance. Don't forget to include a maniacal bald guy for mysterious reasons.



Carla Bruni, "Quelqu'un M'a Dit"
The teacher: Carla Bruni was one of the most successful models in the world, saw Eric Clapton and Mick Jagger fight over her, has a successful music career, and is the First Lady of France. Bruni's music is all hushed guitars and honey-smooth singing, which perfectly suits the self-proclaimed fan of polygamy and polyandry.
The lesson: Thoughtfully play the acoustic guitar inside a sparse apartment while a neighbor across the way wanders by a window holding a candle. Easy!



Stereo Total, "L'Amour A Trois"
The teacher: French-German duo Françoise Cactus and Brezel Göring make music that swaps out sexy for retro-kooky, culling its sound from a variety of influences, from Kraftwerk to Kurt Weill to Belle And Sebastian. Its bedrock sound is based on the cool sophistication of ’60s pop, but branches out into electro, garage-rock, and other genres according to the musicians’ whims. The band is swinging through the U.S. on tour behind a new single, “Anti Love Song,” that will be released by Kill Rock Stars later this year.
The lesson: Alternate between a kaleidoscopic animated world and real life. Just when everything looks pleasingly childlike, begin dancing awkwardly in communist garb while moaning and cartoon images of intertwined nude bodies appear.

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