Interview Mayoral candidate Cynthia Plaster Caster

Cynthia Plaster Caster (nee Albritton) has totally seen Jimi Hendrix’s penis. Moreover, she has a plaster mold of it in her possession, along with casts of a whole slew of other musicians. As a self-described “recovering groupie,” she’s inspired no fewer than two rock songs written about her, KISS’ “Plaster Caster” and Jim Croce’s “Five Short Minutes.” She’s been supported by Frank Zappa, had a documentary made about her, and is set to pop up on a VH1 Behind The Music about groupie life this December. Oh, and she’s running for Mayor. 

In the age of intense vetting, Plaster Caster seems like an unlikely candidate, but why not, man? She’s promising a “cock in every pot,” is trying to get “a rise in the polls,” and has a whole list of political penises she admires. The A.V. Club talked to Plaster Caster about the local castees of her dreams, as well as how she hopes to get a leg up on all that stiff competition.

The A.V. Club: Straight off, you want to cast Barack Obama, right?

Cynthia Plaster Caster: He’s at the absolute top of my list. He’d be very welcome, though I’m afraid it wouldn’t be good for his career. Really, Bill Clinton would be the most likely president to pose, but he’s also not enough of a challenge for me.

AVC: What makes you want to cast Obama?

CPC: Oh, I love his style of governing. He’s a listener more than a talker. He’s a great collaborator. He’s my role model for mayor. I want to have a lot of town hall meetings, and hear what people think and need.

I also like how Obama’s taking responsibility for his mistakes. He’s willing to admit them, even some I don’t think are his fault.

Oh, and his style is awesome. Even with grey hair, he’s just getting cuter. The more under-pressure he gets, the cuter he gets. God, do I love him.

AVC: Who else do you want to cast?

CPC: [Sen.] Dick Durbin. He’s got the right name, for starters. His policies are right on, and he’s incredibly easy to understand, which a lot of politicians aren’t. I just got interested in politics after 9/11, and sometimes I have a hard time getting through all the rubbish and getting what the fuck they’re talking about or what message they have to get across, but Durbin gets to the point.

AVC: Do you cast women?

CPC: I do breasts now. I’d like to do [Fourth Ward Alderman and Cook County Board President-elect] Toni Preckwinkle. She’s welcome anytime. I was anti-Olympics, and so was she. It was such a big waste of money, and it really wasn’t something we needed to spend budget dollars on with our shortfall. It wasn’t going to bring permanent jobs, and it wasn’t realistic.

AVC: Preckwinkle does seem like kind of a badass.

CPC: And isn’t that nice? Finally we have a decent county board president. Things should get interesting now. Maybe she’ll go further and run for governor, I don’t know.

AVC: Who don’t you want to cast?

CPC: [Sen.] Roland Burris. I can’t imagine there’d be anything there, since he’s such a dickless politician. [Former Chicago Alderman] Ed Vrdolayk, or some people call him Fast Eddie. He’s too fast to cast, too slimy. For some of these people, actually, I’d put them in the cement wing of my museum; then they’d sink to the bottom of Lake Michigan, Chicago-style. Actually, George W. Bush was the first politician who came to mind when I first started thinking about using cement on certain people.

AVC: What about Rod Blagojevich?

CPC: I don’t know. I might include him in cement, though he is becoming one of my favorite comedians, and I don’t have any comedians in my collection yet.

AVC: Any interest in Rahm Emanuel?

CPC: I like to say that I had a session with him, but it was cut short. Did you hear about the Facebook profile for his cock, which is allegedly running for mayor? That’s what I’d like to have a debate with.

AVC: No Mayor Daley?

CPC: He’s too lame even for the cement wing. He had some surprisingly liberal viewpoints, but he put too much focus on cleaning up the surface of Chicago, like putting flowers around town when there are a ton of abandoned houses.

AVC: You’re obviously famous for casting musicians. Any local musicians you haven’t gotten your hands on yet that you’d like to do?

CPC: Ezra Furman, from Ezra Furman And The Harpoons. He’s a friend of mine, and we’re both appearing in this upcoming documentary on VH1 based on Pamela DesBarres’ latest fabulous book, Let’s Spend The Night Together. Ezra’s on the show talking about my casting hopes for him. I like to catch musicians when they’re unknown, and he hopefully won’t be unknown for too much longer.

AVC: Anyone else?

CPC: Jeff Tweedy’s been welcome for a long time. His wife, Sue, is a friend of mine, and I know she understands what I do, but I don’t think Jeff would ever do it. He wanted to a long time ago, but it’s way too after-the-fact now. When people I approach have too long to think about it, it just doesn’t happen. You have to bag them and get them in the mold ASAP.

I may have to dream on about Jeff. Like all my favorite rock stars, he’s kind of on the neurotic side.

You know, I really don’t think people realize what a good laugh casting really is. It’s really goofy, and not that sexy.

AVC: What’s the actual process like?

CPC: The castee and the plater, or fluffer, get the subject ready, all nice and good-looking in my living room, while I’m in the kitchen measuring ingredients for the mold. They come in the kitchen, pants down, hopefully with the castee looking his best. I dip him into the mold and tell him to think hard for a few minutes while the fluffer does indirect stimulation. When the mold’s set, he falls out, and I pour plaster in. I clean up the mess, and everyone goes home to carry on what they were doing.

It’s just not sexy in my kitchen because I have fluorescent lighting. I should really get a dimmer. Many a hard-on has been dimmed under those not-very-sexy fluorescent lights.

Actually, I don’t usually get people at their full capacity. People are rarely at 100 percent—more like half-mast. I just have to hope they’re well endowed to begin with.

AVC: You’ve done couples together, right?

CPC: Jon Langford and Sally Timms used to be a couple, but when I cast Sally’s boobs, they’d long since broke up. She was the fluffer for his session, though. I did Bobby Conn and Monica BouBou together in the same night, though.

Come to think of it, [Langford] would make a great politician as well as a comedian. I should talk to him for my administration, though he’d probably want a leadership role. Jon really was a great model. I was surprised and delighted that such a nice guy had such a big dick. It really is a perfect world.

I should tell you about David Yow from The Jesus Lizard.

AVC: What happened there?

CPC: He came out really good-looking. He couldn’t get out of the mold, like he wouldn’t get soft. That never really happens. He must have really enjoyed that lukewarm alginate rubbing against him.

[Musician] Chris Connelly really has a beautiful penis, but I call him the Bermuda Triangle. Every time I’d try and cast him, the cast would fail. I use this dental mold stuff, so the temperature, timing, stirring, and everything has to be just right. It’s kind of difficult to mix. Chris’ girlfriend deliberately thought I was screwing up the mold just so I could see more of him.

AVC: Is there anyone you wanted to do that you never got to do?

CPC: Studs Terkel. His interviews always made me happy. I could listen to them over and over again. Who knows? Quite a long time ago, he might have posed.

I would have liked to have done Howlin’ Wolf. He wagged his tongue at me at a concert once. What was I waiting for?