Beer Primer Non-alcoholic beer

Welcome to Beer Primer, The A.V. Club's never-ending quest to help readers attain a better understanding of all things boozy. This week, we look at non-alcoholic beers as a sensible variation to the norm this St. Patrick's Day.

There comes a time when you know you've had too much. For example, 10 beers in and it's barely 3 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day. A time-honored tradition, to be sure, but who can call it quits on one of the year's drinking-est days? Switching to water just doesn't seem right—thank goodness there's non-alcoholic beer.

If you can't or don't want to drink the real thing, “near beer” gives you an option that kind-of-sort-of tastes like beer. Just don't expect the range of styles and flavors you'd find in real beer. If it tastes a little off to your palette, it's probably not your imagination.

Non-alcoholic beer is made much like "real" beer. The brewer boils water with malt (barley, wheat, whatever), then adds hops and yeast. The yeast ferments the mixture, creating alcoholic beer. Most brewers get the booze out of the mixture by boiling it at low temperatures or running it through reverse-osmosis filters. The exception is German brewer Clausthaler, which claims to have a secret fermentation process that results in boozeless beer.

There are a few options in non-alcoholic beer, though none of them score very highly when beer drinkers put them up against other brews. Their flavors usually tend to be non-descript: liquefied white bread and mashed-up Cheerios, with a bready nose and one-note flavors. Look elsewhere if you're expecting things like the bitterness and floral hop notes of an IPA or the rich darkness of a porter or stout.

Kaliber (made by Guinness), Buckler (made by Heineken), and St. Pauli Girl NA are three passable options. These at least don't have the weird, off-putting flavors some people pick up in American non-alcoholic brews like Sharp's and O'Doul's. They look like light lagers: straw-colored and clear, but with more wheat and bread flavor than you might be expecting.

Clausthaler's two non-alcoholic beers are the favorites of many people who can't drink full-alcohol beer. Clausthaler Premium is a light brew like the other three. Seek out Clausthaler Golden Amber for something that's darker than the others and with hints of caramel and citrus.

Of course, some might say, "What's the point in drinking beer that won't even make your cat tipsy?" Good thing several local brewers have branched out into sodas as well. Goose Island's lineup of sodas is available at many stores and restaurants. It bottles orange, vanilla cream, spicy ginger, and Concord grape sodas, all of which taste way more interesting than the non-alcoholic beers out there. Or venture into Rock Bottom's River North brewpub (1 W. Grand Ave., 312-755-9339) and try its root beer made on site. Finally, Half Acre (4257 N. Lincoln Avenue, 773-248-4038) has started experimenting with novel soda flavors. Its soda of the moment is pineapple-hibiscus-tarragon, which finds its way into cocktails at The Exchange (1270 N. Milwaukee Avenue, 773-342-5282) in Wicker Park. Now get out there and enjoy the festive smell of green vomit, through sober nostrils!

Where to find them:

Kaliber at Timothy O'Toole's (622 N. Fairbanks Court, 312-642-0700)

Find Buckler at D4 Irish Pub & Café (345 E. Ohio Street, 312-624-8385)

Rock Bottom River North serves St. Pauli Girl NA and its own root beer

Clausthaler Premium is in bottles at Sheffield's (3258 N. Sheffield Avenue, 773-281-4989)

The elusive Clausthaler Amber is at Poag Mahone's Carvery and Ale House (333 S. Wells Street, 312-566-9100)

Half Acre's soda isn't bottled. You can sample it at the North Center store or have it at The Exchange.