Blog Not even Nazis like the Hitler mustache

Steve Heisler: Maybe I'm a terrible person, but when I was given the assignment for this week's prosthetic mustache competition, I immediately thought of Hitler. I mean, c'mon, the assignment was to create a one-page encyclopedia entry about a notable mustache style—how could I not think of Adolf Hitler, the most infamous man in history who rocked what is now the most infamous mustache style ever conceived? My cohorts in prosthetic mustachery even admitted to me at last night's event that they were thinking the same thing.

But none of them had the guts—nay, stupidity—to take it on. I did.

I decided to tackle this decidedly unkosher topic (in more ways than one) in a decidedly different way: Rather than present a sheet of paper, I went for the "mental" 8 1/2 X 11 sheet of knowledge learned from a PowerPoint presentation. For material, I engaged in "shenanigans" meant to gather information about the Hitler 'stache and the perceptions people have about it—hey, if Wikipedia is an encyclopedia written by the people, for the people, wny not go right to said people for the good stuff?

Sadly, I don't think uploading the presentation is going to do it much justice, since I made up most of my narration on the fly—and it doesn't really stand on its own. But what I can provide is a point-by-point rundown of my exploits. If you are a white supremacist, you might wanna look away.

• To get opinions on the Hitler mustache from those who might come in closest contact with it on a daily basis, I registered for Stormfront, a white-power message board, in the hopes of posting a query.
• After rejecting screennames TotallyNotAJew, TheRealHitler, GenoSIGH, Reginald, WhatsUpWithAllTheMinorities, WhitePowerBill, StuffWhitePeopleHate, and EdwardNorton!!!1!1, I went with ThoseJewsOMG.
• I submit something in the Culture forum, asking a bunch of dudes (or ladies? Nah.) with burning Israeli flag avatars about the possible downside of growing a Hitler mustache, "as many have told me the style is not favorable with 'the ladies.' " It doesn't get posted.
• I try again in the "Lounge" (where it's cool to just let all the hate hang out!). My account is disabled for the following reason: "Posting unwanted SPAM." Date it will be renewed? "Never."
• Furious, I email the moderators, telling them it's outrageous that they wouldn't even let me ask my question. If they still won't post my stuff, I say, then the least they can do is answer my question. I don't think that piqued their interest.
• It's time to turn to Craigslist, specifically the Beauty/Fashion forum. No judgement there.
• I register the screen name potentialMustacher, and post: "Hitler mustache: thoughts?"
• Two responses come instantaneously: "Noooooo," and, "Great, if you're Hitler."
• I get into a back-and-forth with someone named sassy370, who I assume is a hot lady. Turns out, at least the latter part is true (that I know of). She tells me to fuck off.
• zen_zanna wants to know what I do for a living, because that might have some bearing on whether or not I can pull it off. I assure her (presumably) that I don't spend my day in a giant bear costume. You know, I wanted her (presumably) to know that my face is exposed. She (presumably) comes back that there's a chance, but only if I'm not going up for a promotion soon. CEOs, you have the green light!
• I try to get more responses by telling people that they don't need to get hung up on the details of my facial structure and/or way I spend 9-5 Mondays through Fridays—just assume they know nothing about me, and comment on my chances of pulling it off.
• "We know lots about you now—you are probably a teenaged boy, you are provocative, you don't have a real question, you kill time stirring it up on beauty forum..." Geez, sorry to distract from all the valuable non–Hitler mustache discussions happening here.
• "0%" "50%" "Who the fuck cares?"
• My retort: "I'm just trying to have an honest, serious discussion about Hitler mustaches and how ridiculous they may/may not make me look. If we can stay on topic, I would appreciate that. New question: Do you need a FULL grooming kit?"
• Craigslist boots me from the forum for posting too much in a short amount of time, and encourages me to take a break. I wish the same fate on sassy370, who it seems has posted multiple times to every other open thread.
• I go to bed, and awake to find I have one more response: "GO FOR IT!!!!!!!! Why let Hitler ruin a perfectly good moustache! TAKE IT BACK, BABY!"
• Success!

Well, in a shocking development from last week, I won! Suck on that, neo-Nazis! I'll be enjoying my cookie lollipop prize forever!

Tune in next week for notes on my mustache created using "art"—left purposely vague by the judges. David Wolinsky: Anything happening over in upper-lip country?

David Wolinsky: Thanks, Steve. Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster this past week has been. I've had death-defying highs and lows in the past seven days, and I've learned a lot about myself I now wish I could forget. But, no, there's no going back from this point. It's been three weeks since I've stopped shaving my upper lip, and, at this point, my for-charity 'stache has since evolved into a bizarre symbiotic social experiment. This mustache-colored stain on my soul will never come out.

See, here's the thing. You tell everyone you know that you're going to grow a mustache for charity and it initially seems like a noble pursuit. They pat you on the back and wish you luck, vowing to maybe even throw a couple of bucks your way. Then, as nature takes its course and crops of red-colored hair lines everywhere above your upper-lip but your philtrum, suddenly everyone cops an attitude and passes judgment on you. “How long have you been growing that thing?” a friend asked me over the weekend at a Superbowl party. “It looks like you just stopped washing your face.” Yup.

As I wrote last week, two week's growth unanimously elicited the following response from all females that came within its sight: "It looks creepy." Yeah, yeah. Before you start feeling bad for me, don't. I'm tough. I can take it.

What's interesting is that now, after three weeks, men are also telling me my mustache is "creepy." It seems to be the only word to describe it, and I won't apologize for it. What am I supposed to do about it, anyway? On Sunday I shaved the lingering patch of stubble-like hairs from my chin out of sheer boredom, which was acknowledged by some of my co-workers, but, still, I'm "creepy."

Then I started thinking. Maybe this mustache is bringing my inner-self to the outside, where everyone can see it on a daily basis. Have I been creepy my whole life and not known? Have I had a mustache within and just didn’t know it? Maybe I’m just over-thinking things. Probably.

Or maybe I can get my picture into Webster’s or Urban Dictionary as the personification of creepiness.