Prelude to a sandwich
Kelly Reilly
The mascot clown easily captivates his audience.
We here at The A.V. Club get our share of invites to fancy shindigs and swanky gatherings all the time, but last week I received one that easily blew them all away. “This fall, McDonald’s introduces its first new burger in eight years, the Angus Third Pounder,” read a thoughtful publicist’s e-mail sent to me—to me! “And we’d like you to be one of the first people in Chicago to taste it!” Could this be true? That the McDonald’s we’ve all heard so much about was introducing a new hamburger sandwich? Such a revelation shook me to my very core, and yet, I somehow regained enough strength to rise from the floor and circle the date in my calendar thrice. Unfortunately, my legs gave out again when I realized that McDonald’s wasn’t only releasing one new burger but three: a mushroom and swiss, a bacon and cheese, and a deluxe hamburger, all made with one-third pound of 100-percent Angus beef. I fainted due to overexcitement, and fortunately, when I came to, I awoke snappily dressed and fashionably late to the VIP sandwich unveiling.
And McDonald’s knows how to throw a party. Grammy-nominated jazz ensemble The Mike Frost Trio kept the hot tunes coming while economically priced wines flowed like water to all present—to be brilliantly paired with each burger, perhaps? Despite the ritzy ambience in the positively packed party, the big man himself, Ronald McDonald, remained modest and said his namesake establishment was still “a good place to hang out with friends and just have fun.” And, indeed, we did have fun by the boatload, as a nonstop stream of well-dressed servers distributed some 400 hamburgers to the chosen ones throughout the evening.
Two servers heroically endure buckling knees under the pure mass of delicious beef.Kelly Reilly
Since my cheap words will diminish the impact of the new Angus-beef sandwiches' contents and their presentational je ne sais quoi, I present to you their corresponding descriptions from McDonald's own promotional material.
- Deluxe: Topped with creamy mayonnaise, yellow mustard, a slice of ripe red tomato, green leaf lettuce, rings of red onions, sliced dill pickles, and slices of American cheese served on a toasted bakery-style sesame seed roll.
- Bacon and cheese: Topped with zesty ketchup, yellow mustard, rings of red onions, sliced dill pickles, and three full slices of bacon and slices of American cheese served on a toasted bakery-style sesame seed roll.
- Mushroom and swiss: Topped with creamy mayonnaise, sautéed mushrooms, and slices of swiss cheese served on a toasted bakery-style sesame seed roll.
Are your eyes properly dilated and your stomach completely encased with bile to digest these delights? Fantastic! For I will now reveal how these hamburgers taste. In one word: juicy. The Angus beef somehow transforms each bite into something akin to an Arby’s roast-beef sandwich. The deluxe and bacon burgers both strongly resemble a Beef 'N Cheddar, while the mushroom and swiss emits a powerful—yet artificial—bacon aroma. At around $3.99 per hamburger, they’re intended to bookend McDonald’s usual 99-cent offerings with selections that are more “premium.” And while rings of red onions and full slices of bacon are new toppings never before seen on a McDonald’s hamburger, the sandwiches by no means taste revolutionary. Indeed, anyone who’s sampled Micro Magic’s grocery-store, microwaveable hamburgers in the '80s will find the taste quite familiar.
Fortunately, these burgers were introduced to alleviate depression and despair caused by 9/11 and "disruption in the Middle East," explained Dan Coudreaut, director of culinary innovation for McDonald’s USA in Oak Brook. Those tragedies have driven people to comfort food and more adventurous eating, which these new offerings are intended to provide, he added. Questions about the McRib’s mysterious, seasonal availability went unanswered, remaining as elusive as Bigfoot himself. But, for a taste of the finer things, it no longer remains a mystery where to go: Head to McDonald’s! Though, these new hamburgers won't miraculously transform its diners into high-class socialites a la professor Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady; when pressed to pick one of the hamburgers as his favorite, McDonald himself proclaimed, “I’m still a big fan of Happy Meals…it’s all about the fun.” Simply scandalous!
