Programming the perfect 14-hour Christmas marathon with Facets Cinémathèque

Nothing against the same Christmas films that are trudged out every year, but the need for fresh blood becomes more evident with each passing holiday season. It's A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story have become worthy classics, but since each are virtually omnipresent during December, there are times when, just once, we'd like to see George Bailey go berserk and set Pottersville ablaze. So with the help of Film Program Director Charles Coleman and Editor Phil Morehart at Facets Cinémathèque (1517 W. Fullerton Ave., 773-281-4114‎), The A.V. Club found seven Christmas films that are not yet seasonal classics—each from a different category of holiday-themed celluloid—to string together as one massive marathon. For full effect, hold this marathon from Christmas Eve into Christmas morn, so that once the final movie ends, you can open your gifts and promptly pass out under the tree.

Movie: Scrooged (1988), starring Bill Murray as a cruel, snarky television executive, in a modernization of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
Best in the category of: Feel-good Christmas comedies, or films starring four Murray brothers.
When to watch it during the marathon: As the first film of the night, because the only way you could start a marathon better than Scrooged’s opening sequence (featuring a faux commercial for the Lee Majors North Pole thriller The Night The Reindeer Died and Bob Goulet’s Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas) is for Bill Murray to arrive dressed as an oddly lanky Santa Claus at your front door.
Phil  from Facets says: “Bill Murray’s great, and it’s treading on that story that everyone knows and it’s updating tradition. I think it’s Bill Murray at his smarmiest. Another weird thing about Scrooged is that it’s kind of a secular story. There’s really no Christ involved, it’s just about goodwill towards man, so it rises above being just a Christmas film.”  

Movie: Un Conte De Noël (A Christmas Tale) (2008), a French drama where a divided family is forced to reunite when the matriarch is diagnosed with cancer.
Best in the category of: Christmas films where family members infuriate each other before deciding to reconcile.
When to watch it: Earlier in the evening, so when you realize you love your sister after all, you’ll still have time to replace the box full of dead spiders you angrily wrapped and put under the tree.
Charles from Facets says: “It’s kind of a melancholic film about familial recrimination, kind of combining eggnog and fruitcakes. The family is really dysfunctional, but the movie pays careful detail to the ensemble cast, and when you watch the movie, you have to pay attention to the relationships. You can feel how they’re almost trapped by their bloodline, that they have to get along at some point, like you can’t leave the room until you figure out what’s going on.”

Movie: Batman Returns (1992), Tim Burton's snowy, penguin-laden sequel to his original Batman.
Best in the category of: Films where Christmas primarily exists in the background. (Although the Austrian Christmas demon Krampus would be perfect as a villain in the next Batman film.)
When to watch it: Before your cats fall asleep, because Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman scenes are much more enjoyable while a frisky kitty chases around a laser pointer on the television screen.
Phil from Facets says: “I think you can put any Tim Burton movie in a Christmas marathon. He loves snow, and the winter. One of my colleagues, Susan Doll, was talking about the last lines of the film are 'goodwill towards men.'”

Movie: Scrooge (1970), starring Albert Finney as Scrooge and Alec Guinness as Marley’s ghost in a musical version of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
Best in the category of: Christmas musicals, or Christmas Carol adaptations not starring Bill Murray or Kermit the Frog.
When during the marathon to watch it: As the clock strikes midnight, thus increasing the spookiness of Alec Guinness’ character entering Scrooge’s house in chains. It’s too bad he was subsequently typecast as the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi for three Star Wars films.
Phil from Facets says: "It’s not really the best version of A Christmas Carol, but it’s my favorite. It has this old Victorian, lived-in charm. Albert Finney is not the best singer but I think that adds a little bit to the charm, and it’s really creepy too, I think that’s the great thing about the story in particular, that it adds some of the darkness to the cheer.”

Movie: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964), in which Martians kidnap Santa Claus and force him to make toys for Martian children, all while Father Christmas tries to escape death at the hands of the warmongering alien Voldar.
Best film in the category of: Wildly entertaining Christmas movie trainwrecks.
When to watch it: In the early morning hours, when generous amounts of alcohol and fatigue will have you cheering for Santa to kick those Martian bastards' asses.
Phil from Facets says: “I saw maybe three-quarters of it on YouTube, but what I saw was incredible. It made Ed Wood look like Orson Welles. Just terrible. I think it was filmed on a zero budget out on Long Island. It’s just bad.”

Movie: Santa With Muscles (1996), starring Hulk Hogan as a self-centered millionaire who bangs his head, suffers from amnesia, and becomes convinced he’s Santa Claus.
Best film in the category of: Movies where “Santa Claus” appears shirtless on the poster.
When to watch it: Around 4 a.m. and after watching at least five other films, so your mind will be numb and depleted, just like the mindset of the producers that green-lit a “Hulk Hogan becomes Santa Claus” movie.
Phil from Facets says: “I haven’t seen this, I just stumbled upon it on YouTube, but it looks pretty incredibly bad. So bad that I want to see it. I’m going to have to find it and become its new champion, because it sounds incredible.”

Movie: Die Hard (1988), starring Bruce Willis as detective John McClane, who must thwart a plot by terrorists (lead by Alan Rickman) after they take hostages in an L.A. office building on the most dangerous of Christmas Eves.
Best film in the category of: Destruction and mayhem as we celebrate the birth of our Lord.
When to watch it: As the last film of the marathon, because as the sun begins to come up on Christmas morning, nothing will say “goodwill and peace on earth to all mankind” like Alan Rickman blowing up a building.
Charles from Facets says: “Die Hard is a die cast for a good Christmas film with live action. Santa Claus comes with an attitude, portrayed by Bruce Willis. You have Alan Rickman as the Grinch, trying to take things that don’t belong to him, and at the end of the movie, the wife literally takes his name back, which is what Christmas is all about—the husband and wife reconsolidating their marital commitment by the man proving he can get all the gifts.”