Schadenfreude: This Country's F$cked!
Esteemed local sketch troupe debuts new election-themed show
Schadenfreude, from left: Sandy Marshall, Kate James, Adam Witt, Justin Kaufmann, and Stephen Schmidt.
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The sentiment of the country can be summed up pretty well by the name of local sketch-comedy troupe Schadenfreude's new show, which premieres Oct. 18 at the Lakeshore Theater: This Country's F$cked! The decade-old troupe—whose members include Kate James, Justin Kaufmann, Sandy Marshall, Stephen Schmidt, and Adam Witt—is steeped in satirizing current events and politics on both a local and national scale. Its members are also exceptionally prolific: They recently wrote IL-informed, a pilot for WTTW (which wasn't picked up), as well as several screenplays; performed a collection of scenes from the Clinton era at Theater On The Lake over the summer; and are probably still tweaking F$cked as you read this. Decider sat in on a writers meeting and challenged the members of Schadenfreude to riff on some of the issues critical to next month's election.
ISSUE: IMMIGRATION
Stephen Schmidt: Just flying into Midway for the first time in months, it's really hilarious how they break out the security lines now. I don't know if they do it at O'Hare, but it's like “The Occasional Traveler” line and then they have the “Expert Traveler” line.
Justin Kaufmann: That could be a funny immigration bit.
Sandy Marshall: “Expert Immigrant.”
SS: [Laughs.] “Occasional immigrant.”
Kate James: Why do people who have exceptional sporting abilities get to come over? Why not a guy who's really good at making food?
SM: They have no concept of money and how a guy with an arm is being bought for a ton of money to pitch for the Reds.
KJ: “Come on, I have talents too!”
SM: “Why can't other people come to the United States? If that shortstop can come, why can't the guy who cooks food at the Heartland [Cafe]?”
JK: The Democrats sketches for all these issues are really earnest ways to present the scene. And the Republicans are just like, “We don't think you should let people immigrate. We'd like to see brick walls placed.”
SM: The Republicans would make fun of the guy digging to get through, all dirty and digging through the fence to get across, and taking someone's job, right?
JK: It shows the guy digging through, and then that guy is now a CEO, and then Republicans are like, "Scared enough yet?” [Laughs.]
SM: “Don't think it could happen to you? Think again! Over 7 million billion people…”
JK: [Adopts Hispanic accent.] “Excuse me, I'm here to be the CEO of Hewlett-Packard?” “Come on in!” “Wait a minute…”
SM: "This could be you.”
Stephen Schmidt: Just flying into Midway for the first time in months, it's really hilarious how they break out the security lines now. I don't know if they do it at O'Hare, but it's like “The Occasional Traveler” line and then they have the “Expert Traveler” line.
Justin Kaufmann: That could be a funny immigration bit.
Sandy Marshall: “Expert Immigrant.”
SS: [Laughs.] “Occasional immigrant.”
Kate James: Why do people who have exceptional sporting abilities get to come over? Why not a guy who's really good at making food?
SM: They have no concept of money and how a guy with an arm is being bought for a ton of money to pitch for the Reds.
KJ: “Come on, I have talents too!”
SM: “Why can't other people come to the United States? If that shortstop can come, why can't the guy who cooks food at the Heartland [Cafe]?”
JK: The Democrats sketches for all these issues are really earnest ways to present the scene. And the Republicans are just like, “We don't think you should let people immigrate. We'd like to see brick walls placed.”
SM: The Republicans would make fun of the guy digging to get through, all dirty and digging through the fence to get across, and taking someone's job, right?
JK: It shows the guy digging through, and then that guy is now a CEO, and then Republicans are like, "Scared enough yet?” [Laughs.]
SM: “Don't think it could happen to you? Think again! Over 7 million billion people…”
JK: [Adopts Hispanic accent.] “Excuse me, I'm here to be the CEO of Hewlett-Packard?” “Come on in!” “Wait a minute…”
SM: "This could be you.”
ISSUE: ABORTION
KJ: If I were a Republican, I’d write a sketch about all the awesome would-be Republicans that have been killed unnecessarily by abortion. How super-great the world would be with Republicans. But, alas. They were killed by their dumb, young, Democratic moms who got pregnant in high school. [Everyone laughs.]
JK: No, cause they’re probably all Republican moms that get abortions. You know, cause they’re all in Green Bay, Wisconsin like, “Oh man, I just had another baby."
KJ: It would be interesting to know ’cause it’s usually the more conservative families that don’t feel like they have the alternative for education or discussion with their parents. Or you could make a joke about second-term President and second term of pregnancy.
JK: “I wish we could abort George W. Bush, [but] he’s only in his second term.”
KJ: And then, we’d get booed ‘cause that’s so cheesy!
JK: We’d have to use those clamps! [Laughs.] Gonna need the jaws of life.
SS: Jaws of death.
KJ: “According to our charts, there’s no sign of intelligent life yet.”
KJ: If I were a Republican, I’d write a sketch about all the awesome would-be Republicans that have been killed unnecessarily by abortion. How super-great the world would be with Republicans. But, alas. They were killed by their dumb, young, Democratic moms who got pregnant in high school. [Everyone laughs.]
JK: No, cause they’re probably all Republican moms that get abortions. You know, cause they’re all in Green Bay, Wisconsin like, “Oh man, I just had another baby."
KJ: It would be interesting to know ’cause it’s usually the more conservative families that don’t feel like they have the alternative for education or discussion with their parents. Or you could make a joke about second-term President and second term of pregnancy.
JK: “I wish we could abort George W. Bush, [but] he’s only in his second term.”
KJ: And then, we’d get booed ‘cause that’s so cheesy!
JK: We’d have to use those clamps! [Laughs.] Gonna need the jaws of life.
SS: Jaws of death.
KJ: “According to our charts, there’s no sign of intelligent life yet.”
ISSUE: ECONOMY
JK: That [bailout] shit? I [would’ve] waited on the benefit of the country until January to make that call. Because I think [Barack] Obama will do the same thing and it’ll come from a place that’s like, “Here’s how we’re paying it back, and here’s how it’s gonna affect the people in middle America.” Bush’s people—they’re like, “Be cool, man. The economy’s fucked up.”
KJ: “Be cool, man. Be cool.” There’s your sketch. Something going totally fucking down. Like, the heist has gone bad. The cops are surrounding. We are in a bank and we’re trying to hold it up. And you’ve got one guy going, “Man, this is not over, man. Be cool. Be cool. Follow my lead, man. We’re going to go out there and we’re going to tell them that we are actually being held at gunpoint and that there’s a bunch of people in here that has Mickey Mouse masks on.”
SM: “And we’re gonna walk out of here with bags of money.”
JK: “And we’re gonna pretend that we were just in the bank.”
SM: “Just stopping in, checkin’ on my account.” [Everyone laughs.]
JK: Yeah. “We’re not responsible and we’re not authority.”
SS: And then the bank guy goes, “Thank you.”
KJ: [As one of the bank robbers.] “Brad, you look like a cop. Walk out there—be cool—with the money. And pretend like you were a cop on the inside.”
JK: [As Brad] “Can’t we wait like an hour until that guy’s in charge?”
KJ: “No man, we don’t have an hour.”
JK: What if we put a sign across the top of the Lakeshore that’s like, “Due to high prices, the cost of the show is now $55.”? [Everyone laughs.]
JK: “Due to rising comedy costs, the show is $75.”
KJ: Or, “As you guys saw last week, the sketch went over real well.” [Everyone laughs.] “We’re gonna bring it to you again this week, ’cause we know you like it. We know you trust it.”
JK: And, we gotta cut spending.
SM: So, we took Justin out of the sketch. We just gave his lines to Kate.
JK: What would you do to cut spending?
SM: No talking. It’s all a silent show. You know, we’re all going like this. [Motions.]
JK: I think only half the stage is lit. [Laughs.]
KJ: Half the stage is lit and it’s just, like, two of us.
SS: And somebody’s from off-stage with a megaphone.
KJ: For the Democrats, for some reason, I have a super-bad wig on for no reason. [Laughing.]
JK: Yeah! We’d all have white hair. We’d all look like John McCain when he’s shaking hands with Ronald Reagan. Just like, “Oh, that Republican. That guy. That’s John McCain.” He looks like every one of those ’80s Republicans.
SM: Dick Cheney in the ’80s?
JK: Yeah.
KJ: ’Cause he is 80. He’s 80 in the ’80s.
SM: They have that stock look.
SS: And then there’s a dead hooker?
KJ: Perfect. “I dragged her out of the river. She’s wet. She’s wet.”
JK: She’s wet. [Laughing.] A wet, dead hooker.
KJ: The river. “What do we do with this dead hooker?” “Be cool, be cool!”
KJ: And the Democrats run in.
JK: “The Democrats are here! What do we do with her? I don’t know!”
KJ: “Put a drink in her hand. Fucking Weekend At Bernie’s style.”
JK: “Jesus Christ, what’d you do, man?” “I don’t know! She just started talking. I don’t know what to do!
KJ: “Started talking about the bailout and I freaked out.”
SS: “It’s not a bailout; it’s a rescue plan!”
JK: That [bailout] shit? I [would’ve] waited on the benefit of the country until January to make that call. Because I think [Barack] Obama will do the same thing and it’ll come from a place that’s like, “Here’s how we’re paying it back, and here’s how it’s gonna affect the people in middle America.” Bush’s people—they’re like, “Be cool, man. The economy’s fucked up.”
KJ: “Be cool, man. Be cool.” There’s your sketch. Something going totally fucking down. Like, the heist has gone bad. The cops are surrounding. We are in a bank and we’re trying to hold it up. And you’ve got one guy going, “Man, this is not over, man. Be cool. Be cool. Follow my lead, man. We’re going to go out there and we’re going to tell them that we are actually being held at gunpoint and that there’s a bunch of people in here that has Mickey Mouse masks on.”
SM: “And we’re gonna walk out of here with bags of money.”
JK: “And we’re gonna pretend that we were just in the bank.”
SM: “Just stopping in, checkin’ on my account.” [Everyone laughs.]
JK: Yeah. “We’re not responsible and we’re not authority.”
SS: And then the bank guy goes, “Thank you.”
KJ: [As one of the bank robbers.] “Brad, you look like a cop. Walk out there—be cool—with the money. And pretend like you were a cop on the inside.”
JK: [As Brad] “Can’t we wait like an hour until that guy’s in charge?”
KJ: “No man, we don’t have an hour.”
JK: What if we put a sign across the top of the Lakeshore that’s like, “Due to high prices, the cost of the show is now $55.”? [Everyone laughs.]
JK: “Due to rising comedy costs, the show is $75.”
KJ: Or, “As you guys saw last week, the sketch went over real well.” [Everyone laughs.] “We’re gonna bring it to you again this week, ’cause we know you like it. We know you trust it.”
JK: And, we gotta cut spending.
SM: So, we took Justin out of the sketch. We just gave his lines to Kate.
JK: What would you do to cut spending?
SM: No talking. It’s all a silent show. You know, we’re all going like this. [Motions.]
JK: I think only half the stage is lit. [Laughs.]
KJ: Half the stage is lit and it’s just, like, two of us.
SS: And somebody’s from off-stage with a megaphone.
KJ: For the Democrats, for some reason, I have a super-bad wig on for no reason. [Laughing.]
JK: Yeah! We’d all have white hair. We’d all look like John McCain when he’s shaking hands with Ronald Reagan. Just like, “Oh, that Republican. That guy. That’s John McCain.” He looks like every one of those ’80s Republicans.
SM: Dick Cheney in the ’80s?
JK: Yeah.
KJ: ’Cause he is 80. He’s 80 in the ’80s.
SM: They have that stock look.
SS: And then there’s a dead hooker?
KJ: Perfect. “I dragged her out of the river. She’s wet. She’s wet.”
JK: She’s wet. [Laughing.] A wet, dead hooker.
KJ: The river. “What do we do with this dead hooker?” “Be cool, be cool!”
KJ: And the Democrats run in.
JK: “The Democrats are here! What do we do with her? I don’t know!”
KJ: “Put a drink in her hand. Fucking Weekend At Bernie’s style.”
JK: “Jesus Christ, what’d you do, man?” “I don’t know! She just started talking. I don’t know what to do!
KJ: “Started talking about the bailout and I freaked out.”
SS: “It’s not a bailout; it’s a rescue plan!”
ISSUE: HEALTHCARE
KJ: The Republican sketch would have to do with people just showing up. “I wasn't prepared for the test. Can I have all the answers?”
JK: “I wasn't prepared, so I got hurt on the job.”
KJ: “Think it can't happen? Think again.”
JK: “I got hit by a train because I chose to live in a big city.”
KJ: There's were you went wrong. That would be the Republican sketch, just people showing up, being like, “Oh, I didn't know I was supposed to get healthcare.”
SS: “I wasn't prepared, so can I get an abortion?” Oooh.
SM: I don't know why it's been connecting with me, but every one of these ideas or topics, it'd be funny to have an office that's staffed with Terminators. It's like the Terminator immigration offices—I don't know where it goes from there, I just thought it would be really fucking funny.
SS: Terminators in suits and ties. [Laughs.]
JK: “I don't have any problem with my stomach.”
SM: [Adopts Terminator voice.] “Are you John Connor?”
JK: “He doesn't really communicate well. Just give him time.”
SM: [Terminator voice.] “Are you John Connor? I'm looking for this boy.”
JK: “I was told to come see you for my cystic fibrosis?"
SM: [Terminator voice.] “Come with me if you want to live. I come from the future.”
KJ: Terminator doctor.
SS: Terminator. Terminator in all these different professions. What if he wasn't that good as a Terminator? Like it's the elf who wants to be a dentist. It's the Terminator who wants to be a doctor.
KJ: It's like the economy is so bad the Terminator needs a new job.
JK: The new mission is to come together with both parties and start a dialogue.
SM: As it turns out, Skynet was overturned and mankind was saved. However there is a new mystery that must be solved.
SM: [Terminator voice.] “I'm your abortion doctor.”
SS: “Oh, not the Terminator! Honey, can we come back tomorrow?”
KJ: The Republican sketch would have to do with people just showing up. “I wasn't prepared for the test. Can I have all the answers?”
JK: “I wasn't prepared, so I got hurt on the job.”
KJ: “Think it can't happen? Think again.”
JK: “I got hit by a train because I chose to live in a big city.”
KJ: There's were you went wrong. That would be the Republican sketch, just people showing up, being like, “Oh, I didn't know I was supposed to get healthcare.”
SS: “I wasn't prepared, so can I get an abortion?” Oooh.
SM: I don't know why it's been connecting with me, but every one of these ideas or topics, it'd be funny to have an office that's staffed with Terminators. It's like the Terminator immigration offices—I don't know where it goes from there, I just thought it would be really fucking funny.
SS: Terminators in suits and ties. [Laughs.]
JK: “I don't have any problem with my stomach.”
SM: [Adopts Terminator voice.] “Are you John Connor?”
JK: “He doesn't really communicate well. Just give him time.”
SM: [Terminator voice.] “Are you John Connor? I'm looking for this boy.”
JK: “I was told to come see you for my cystic fibrosis?"
SM: [Terminator voice.] “Come with me if you want to live. I come from the future.”
KJ: Terminator doctor.
SS: Terminator. Terminator in all these different professions. What if he wasn't that good as a Terminator? Like it's the elf who wants to be a dentist. It's the Terminator who wants to be a doctor.
KJ: It's like the economy is so bad the Terminator needs a new job.
JK: The new mission is to come together with both parties and start a dialogue.
SM: As it turns out, Skynet was overturned and mankind was saved. However there is a new mystery that must be solved.
SM: [Terminator voice.] “I'm your abortion doctor.”
SS: “Oh, not the Terminator! Honey, can we come back tomorrow?”
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