Shine on you crazy diamonds: 5 Chicago personalities whose hair cries out for crystallization
Bob Newhart would look lovely on all of our wrists.
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A diamond, as we're often told during commercial breaks, is forever. That means that long after we all die, those precious gemstones will still retain their luster and increase in value. And plenty of people will pay good money them, as Chicago-based company LifeGem found after forming in 2001. They convert people's hairs into diamonds by heating the hair to about 5,400 degrees. It's a great way to respect "our innate desire to honor our loved ones in unique ways," according to its website. Michael Jackson is among the latest to have his hair reduced to carbon and converted into a diamond. LifeGem worked with collector John Reznikoff of University Archives to convert a lock of Jackson's hair (which was singed during the infamous filming of a 1984 Pepsi commercial) into 10 half-carat diamonds to be sold for charity to private collectors, the Chicago Tribune reported. (Jackson's three children will be given a single hair-diamond to share.) This process can be used on anyone alive or dead and even animals, so it got The A.V. Club thinking about some notable locals that we wouldn't mind wearing on our ring-finger or in a tasteful bracelet.
Bob Newhart
It would be a touchingly ironic capper for the affable comedian's career, considering how he started out as an accountant who so strongly didn't believe in his talent that he lived with parents until he was nearly 30. But aside from that, in just about every episode of The Bob Newhart Show, whenever Chicago psychiatrist Robert "Bob" Hartley (Newhart) entered a scene, someone's face would always light up when they greeted him with a friendly, "Hi, Bob!" Imagine having that feeling all day, every day—staring down at your fingers and seeing Bob. It's no longer a dream. Just secure a lock of his hair.
Bill Murray / John Belushi
The older Bill Murray gets, the more reclusive and eccentric he seems to become. The past couple of years haven't been particularly kind to the former Saturday Night Live star's public reception: His wife, Jennifer, accused him of domestic violence in their divorce proceedings, he surfaced in Chicago to skydive at the Chicago Air Show, and it was announced in June that Jack Nicholson would replace him in an upcoming James L. Brooks movie after Murray went completely AWOL before filming was even underway. Basically, the lovable comedian is in need of an image makeover—and what better way than to combine his carbon with that of SNL co-star John Belushi? There is perhaps no better icebreaker at a party than casually mentioning that, yes, your iPhone case is bejeweled with a "Not Ready For Primetime Players" diamond?
Mike Ditka
Okay, so Saturday Night Live exaggerated Mike Ditka's greatness as Da Coach—he probably would lose in a fight against a hurricane—but under his rule, the Bears were to football in the '80s what Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson were to basketball in the '90s, and together, they all secured Chicago's position as an unstoppable sports town to watch for the better part of two decades. Ditka's 1985 Bears weren't above showiness—he allowed them to showcase their criminally underused rapping abilities and flamboyant showmanship for the amazing train wreck that is "The Super Bowl Shuffle." Although Ditka doesn't appear in the video, his coaching earned him three Super Bowl rings—jewelry laden with gold and diamonds. Well, who doesn't want a chance to pretend they've won the big game and gotten Gatorade dumped on them, and then slide on a ring made out of Ditka? It's every superfan's fantasy, and it can be a reality. (The hair on his mustache is especially wispy, perfect for a shiny, shiny diamond.)
Jerry Springer
As the sultan of sleaze, Jerry Springer has always been a diamond in the rough. Those who know him only as a tabloid talkshow host would be surprised to learn that he previously was a respected news anchor, attorney, and former politician—though he was disgraced from office in the sort of debacle that would fit his TV show, when it was made public that he hired a prostitute in 1974. (And paid her with a check.) He later won back his city-council seat by being honest about the incident—there's an entire This American Life segment about Springer's absurd, soap opera-like arc. While his eponymous talk show is on hiatus, though, all of that's been put behind him: Springer recently talked to The New York Times about how his time as a lawyer and makes him the perfect candidate to play the ethically relaxed Billy Flynn in Chicago on Broadway in mid-August, even though his casting hasn't yet been confirmed. (It's certainly plausible, though, as Springer did compete on Dancing With The Stars in 2006.) While it's taken Springer a couple of decades to seem resilient and flamboyant to his public, it'll take LifeGem considerably less time to do the same with his hair.
Morris the cat
9Lives cat food mascot Morris has a rags-to-riches story worthy of Hollywood. The original stray was "discovered" four decades ago in the Hinsdale Humane Society just outside Chicago, and although he was portrayed in the commercials as a finicky, orange tabby asshole of Garfield proportions, the feline used his celebrity status for endeavors like running for president and the Million Cat Rescue Campaign of 2007—which the Humane Society describes as a "national initiative that is dedicated to saving one million homeless cats." What housecat wouldn't want a $19,999 designer collar encrusted with the carbon remains of his noble spirit, er, spirits, since several cats have now played the role.
