Blog Testing out Massage Envy’s new “mayoral massages”

This whole new mayor thing is inspiring some pretty weird trends. When even things like Rahmen Emanuel Tumblr sites are getting traction on the Internet, it’s a sign that perhaps Chicago has gone a little stir crazy this January, and we’re all taking it out on the mayoral race. And why not, right? It’s not all that often someone not named Daley even runs for mayor.

So, it was no surprise this past week when the Massage Envy chain announced its “specialty mayoral massages.” The press material lists four types of massages: the Richard M. Daley Hot Stone, the Rahm Emanuel Deep Tissue, the Gery Chico Educational, and the Carol Moseley Braun Trigger Point. The four options are available at all of Massage Envy’s locations, and “at the end of the campaign, Massage Envy will release the statistics on which therapy was most requested, and it may be an indicator as to who will become Chicago’s next Mayor!” Right, well—maybe.

Still, when The A.V. Club was offered a sampler massage, highlighting some “campaign points” of each of these handsy candidates, we couldn’t really pass it up. (The same also goes for most foods and any sort of alcohol related pitch.) Of course, when we interviewed our masseuse, she said that no one’s actually asked for the candidate massages yet, and that she was pretty sure it was just something the marketing company made up to get press into the locations. Fair enough, marketing geniuses. Apparently, you know that journalists get tired backs and are occasionally, but not often, pushovers.

Either way, we got the massage sampler. It opened up with plenty of “Gery Chico Educational massage,” warming up the back, and really having absolutely nothing to do with education, though Massage Envy points out that “clients can feel free to ask any questions about the … process as they enjoy it.” As if that wasn’t the case the whole time. It felt pleasant, but a little underwhelming, just like the candidacy of Chico.

Next up, some Carol Moseley Braun Trigger Point work. This one seemed to be the therapist’s preferred candidate (and, admittedly, the only one she remembered the association for), as every time she’d find a ropy muscle or knot to press into, she’d gruffly say “Carol Moseley Brauuuuuun.” The massage technique is meant to “calm down the controversy and balance your life” by just kind of dealing with a certain degree of pain and breathing through it. This one may have been this reporter’s overall favorite, though we’re not that sure that Carol Moseley Braun’s actually that willing to deal with any of her perceived problems.

Next, Massage Envy encourages their rubbees to “melt away the stress of the years with the Richard M. Daley Hot Stone massage.” Sure, at this point, anyone getting massaged is probably as greased up as Daley would be, considering that thick cream therapists tend to use, so that’s a start. And melting away the stress of the Daley years certainly seems to be like a good idea, but this reporter just couldn’t freaking take it. The stones—they burned! The therapist was kind enough to toss them off The A.V. Club’s back before a major spazz situation, just like Daley was kind enough to leave the Mayoral seat before he was kicked out by the seat of his pants.

The Rahm Emanuel Deep Tissue work rounds things up, presumably because, uh, Emanuel is a tough guy who can put some pressure on? Or take pressure? Or they thought they should include him? Whatever the case, like the Carol Moseley Braun, this was a pretty successful technique. It hurt a little, but it was that tough love that really made the difference at the end of the day in overall back happiness.

It really is a shame, though, that Cynthia Plaster Caster didn’t get the required amount of signatures to get on the ballot. Now there’s a massage we could endorse.