The big cheese

Can America’s obesity problem be linked to cheese’s recent spike in popularity? Perhaps, but there’s more to the fattening dairy product than just being riddled with flavorful bacteria. For instance, cheese experts say the worse it smells, the better it tastes. But odds are, the uneducated eater would just as soon skip the stank and pass up a fine slice of nasty-smelling cheese. That’s why The A.V. Club attempts to spread some culture by submitting a cheese guide unsuitable for the lactose intolerant.

Stick to artisan cheeses

Specialty, hand-made cheeses—a.k.a. artisan cheeses—shouldn’t bear any resemblance to the neon-orange Velveeta blocks that have rocked the end of the grocery aisle since the 20th century. Artisan cheese should be made the old-fashioned way with organic milk, instead of the emulsifiers and other scary shit that’s in the processed “cheese” at most supermarkets. Fortunately, Provenance Food And Wine (2528 N. California Ave., 2312 W. Leland Ave.) stocks wares from faraway lands like Wisconsin and Indiana. (Owner Tracy Kellner insists they’re on par with their European counterparts.) Unfortunately, these cheeses can fetch some steep prices: Provenance cheeses average about $15 to $17 a pound, and she also sells the bargain-friendly Park cheese, from Wisconsin, which costs under $15 a pound. It isn’t as bad as it sounds, though: Who’s going to buy, while sober, an entire pound of fattening cheese? Provenance suggested cheeses: Essex St. Comté, French, $20 per pound; Pleasant Ridge reserve, Wis., $21 per pound; Old Kentucky Tome from Capriole Farms, Greenville, Ind. $22 per pound.

KISS: Keep It Stinky, Stupid

Though not the most noble of similes, it’s true—sex is like cheese: the nastier it smells, the better it is. But knowing it stinks to high hell doesn’t indicate why it’s good. Cheesemonger Lindsey Schechter, co-owner of Houston Dairy Maids, says the smell is essential for knowing what flavor lies beneath the ripe odor—for instance, the dirty-sock musk Alsatian Munster emits indicates a big, beefy flavor. The best way to get acquainted, though, is to walk into a cheese shop without any preconceived notions, and allow a local cheesemonger to recommend what’s new and good before cutting the cheese. (If that’s still funny to you, you aren’t ready to start learning about the finer aspects of artery-clogging cheese.)

Know your cheese

True, Chicago loves its fatty foods, but there’s far from a glut of local cheese shops. The best bet is to find a shop you like via the Internet, and become friends with a cheesemonger who can take your cheese addiction to the next level by suggesting a bona fide cheese course, which can help any mac-and-cheese gulping idiot to actually appreciate cheese. The key to a successful cheese course, according do Daniel Sirko, head cheesemonger at Pastoral Artisan Cheese, Bread & Wine (2945 N. Broadway St.), is to mix it up by serving a variety of flavors, textures, and milks. A well-rounded cheese course should also include cheeses made from a variety of teats: Sheep, goat, and milk should all be included. But being a fat, gassy cheesehead can also be a social event: Pastoral also offers classes in preparing a cheese course for parties, along with the basics in Cheese 101.