This Week In Craigslist

This week: Christians, contortionists, and dudes who may be going to jail for a long, long time. It's another week on Craigslist.

Ad title: Christian Musicians Needed: Scarlet Thread Project (ST. Charles, IL)
Background: Two dudes with experience in the suburban Christian-music scene—who always seem to live in St. Charles—want to start some kind of worship-music empire. To explain their plan, they wrote a 652-word term paper of a Craigslist ad, which looks like this: “II. Touring Various Places A. CD sales B. Radio play C. Churches D. Concerts E. Conferences F. Television appearances G. Music Video Production.” It uses the phrase “fruit of our labor” four times. “We will make sure to approach this endeavor with much prayer, dedication, practice and professional sobriety. It is the Lords will that we seek to enjoy the fruit of our labor of love, spiritually and of course financially.”
Influences: “First and foremost we purpose to exalt and glorify God through worship. We also endeavor to become as one agent whose soul purpose is to establish landmarks in the music industry through original music.” Seriously, term paper. They may or may not have meant to say “sole” instead of “soul.”
Requirements: Christian musicians “who are serious enough to partner with us in this endeavor for the long haul.”
Analysis: All that’s missing from their Craigslist ad is a PowerPoint presentation showing goals, deadlines, and benchmarks for measuring success. If loving Jesus weren’t such a prerequisite, the whole thing would look pretty soulless.

Ad title: record me? (lunar nancy)
Background: “are you learning how to record or do you really like to do it and just need some guinee pigs for practice well if you are a free recorder or want to make a deal than hit me up because i would love to experiment with recording i already do but i would like to be involved with some one with other ideas or different approaches or equipment well if catching vibrations in infinite ways is your shoebox show case then ring my dixie cup phone”
Influences: Meth.
Requirements: Recording gear, high tolerance for speed freaks.
Analysis: That 86-word, punctuation-less paragraph can be summed up easily: “Will you please record me for free?”

Ad title: New Band : Knifeyouwhenpissedoff (Blade City,USA)
Background: It’s hard to tell what, exactly, this ad is for. A lot of artists looking for feedback post “hey check me out” ads on Craigslist, but Knifeyouwhenpissedoff didn’t bother with links—they included a photo of a man posing with a giant knife, and another of an extremely busty woman.
Influences: Hard to say, though the ad name-drops Henry Rollins and describes the band as “aggressive,loud-icepick through yer ear kinda band.” Oh, and they’ve got “serious street cred” because many of them have been arrested, with one guy “up for his third strike.”
Requirements: The only thing they’re apparently looking for are some “ladies” who will have sex with them on tour. “The only rule is that they can't weigh more than 300# or be sporting any open sores.”
Analysis: Like so many Craigslist ads for bands, this one promises tour dates are forthcoming; unlike the others, this one has a caveat: “unless we end up killing each other first.” These guys want you to know they’re total badasses. And we all know if real badasses do anything, it’s spend time touting their badass-ness on a classified-ads website.

Ad title: Heavy Bass Player Needed with good stage presence !!! (McHenry)
Background: An established metal/hardcore band needs a bass player with PRO GEAR and be able to TOUR. They currently practice three times a week in McHenry.
Influences: About 75 percent of the bands on Craigslist are metal, hardcore, or some derivative of those. The majority of them seem to be in the ’burbs, and they’re all looking for dudes with PRO GEAR and a PRO ATTITUDE. And they all have variations of this line in their ad: “WE are tired of wasting our time locally with guys who just want to stay local , WE ARE LOOKING TO GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL ...”
Requirements: Here comes the caps-lock disclaimer. “---IF MCHENRY IS TOO FAR OR AN ISSUE FOR YOU TO GET TO 3 TIMES A WEEK ,YOU HAVE CRAZY WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND, YOU DO THIS FOR A HOBBY, OR YOU CANT TOUR, YOU HAVE A BAD DRUG PROBLEM OR CANT FUNCTION WITHOUT BOOZE --- PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND ...”
Analysis: No crazy significant other, no addiction, no posers—those sound like legitimate requirements, but good luck finding that in the hardcore/metal scene.

Ad title: HATEBREED TRIBUTE BAND (METAL HELL)
Background: “NOT!” That’s all the ad says.
Influences: N/A
Requirements: N/A
Analysis: Wow, they could only one-up their ’90s Hatebreed reference by saying “not.” Well done, guys! We look forward to your hilarious send-ups of the Church Lady next.

Ad title: Industrial Rock HipHop with powerful lyrics (Fuckin’ Chicago)
Background: A 20-year-old “impulsive dude” living in Pilsen has written “some pretty powerful lyrics” and wants to collaborate. Don’t be fooled by his easygoing outward demeanor: “I got some deep shit on the inside. When I finally get my new midi keyboard, maybe you can come by and we can jam.”
Influences: Nine Inch Nails, Rage Against The Machine, angst.
Requirements: “What I need is a guy who is as interested in telling the baby boomers to fuck off and die already as I am. A guy who appreciates songs with so many layers that every time you listen to it, you hear something new. A guy who is interested in why the human race is so interested in surviving even though we don't deserve it.”
Analysis: Just what the world needs: another Trent Reznor clone. Hey, could be worse—at least it’s not Marilyn Manson.

Ad title: Female contortionist wanted
Background: “Band looking for a female contortionist who can place herself in a small box. Serious inquiries only.”
Influences: Whatever they are, they’re undoubtedly GOTH.
Requirements: Vagina, breasts, nauseating flexibility. Claustrophobics need not apply.
Analysis: A Craigslist ad seeking a woman who can fit in a small box? There’s nothing sketchy about that at all. Odds are pretty good this story will end with a Stone Phillips voiceover beginning, “Late October, 2008. A Chicago woman answers an ad on Craigslist seeking a contortionist…” on Dateline.