'Tis the season to take pithy on others
Chicago's Christmas shows as they were meant to be appreciated: in haiku.
The Hipmas Carol.
Come December, the only thing more ubiquitous than Christmas theater is the inevitable process of wading through reviews of said theater. In the interest of keeping unnecessary holiday stress to a minimum, here's Decider's round-up of all things red, green, and staged—each in haiku's five-seven-five syllable scheme.
Contribute your own haiku version of a holiday tale in the comments for a chance at some free Onion shwag.
A Christmas Carol, Goodman Theatre, Metropolis Performing Arts Centre, Writers' Theatre at Tudor Court
Oh, poor Tiny Tim!
He is small and has crutches.
Life gave him lemons.
Oh, poor Tiny Tim!
He is small and has crutches.
Life gave him lemons.
A Very Neo-Futurist Christmas Carol, The Neo-Futurarium
There's crap on the walls
that the Neos use as props
plus "artsy" yelling.
There's crap on the walls
that the Neos use as props
plus "artsy" yelling.
The Hipmas Carol, Chicago Center for The Performing Arts
Dickens is rolling
in his grave, assuming he
hates hip-hop. Not sure.
Dickens is rolling
in his grave, assuming he
hates hip-hop. Not sure.
The Hipmas Carol.
The Day Santa Canceled Christmas, Chicago Center for The Performing Arts
Imagine a world
where Christmas doesn't happen.
Relief. Hanukkah.
A Very Merry Unauthorized Children's Scientology Pageant, A Red Orchid Theatre
Ten children gather
for Xenu, Tom Cruise, and you
talking about L. Ron.
Seasonal Disorder 4: The Annual Deer Run Lane Holiday Party, Chemically Imbalanced Theater
Holiday parties:
Yes, everybody hates them,
but not in play form!
The Snow Queen, Biograph Theater
Holiday parties:
Yes, everybody hates them,
but not in play form!
The Snow Queen, Biograph Theater
Grandma's tears save boy
from Snow Queen, melt his ice heart.
Oh--spoiler alert.
from Snow Queen, melt his ice heart.
Oh--spoiler alert.
Bing Faithful's Very Merry Nondemonimational Holiday Special, Annoyance Theatre
Bing croons while slurry;
tells embarrassing stories.
More or less grandpa.
Black Nativity: A Gospel Play, Chicago Center for The Performing Arts
Jesus was black, and
if you don't think so, then, sir,
you are a racist.
Circus Cats Of Chicago: Meowy Christmas, Gorilla Tango Theatre
Cats go with Christmas
like peanut butter and jam,
but not as tasty.
"Chicago's only trained domestic cat show!"
Bing croons while slurry;
tells embarrassing stories.
More or less grandpa.
Black Nativity: A Gospel Play, Chicago Center for The Performing Arts
Jesus was black, and
if you don't think so, then, sir,
you are a racist.
Circus Cats Of Chicago: Meowy Christmas, Gorilla Tango Theatre
Cats go with Christmas
like peanut butter and jam,
but not as tasty.
"Chicago's only trained domestic cat show!"
It’s A Wonderful Life—Live Radio Broadcast, Rialto Square Theatre
If you never were,
life would be so bad for all.
Don't jump off a bridge.
A Christmas Memory and The Thanksgiving Visitor, Royal George Theatre Center
Truman Capote,
known more for writing about
killers, liked Christmas.
The Nutcracker, Ruth Page Center for the Arts
Twinkle twinkle, it's
a dancing rat, some snowflakes!
Oops, I fell asleep.
Hideout Christmas Dinosaur Panto, Hideout
The story of Christ,
finally explained with more
dinosaurs, cavemen.
Sexy Santas Spectacular! Spectacular!—Burlesque Naughty List, Gorilla Tango Theatre
Deftly covered breasts.
(That last "Spectacular!" was
unnecessary.)
If you never were,
life would be so bad for all.
Don't jump off a bridge.
A Christmas Memory and The Thanksgiving Visitor, Royal George Theatre Center
Truman Capote,
known more for writing about
killers, liked Christmas.
The Nutcracker, Ruth Page Center for the Arts
Twinkle twinkle, it's
a dancing rat, some snowflakes!
Oops, I fell asleep.
Hideout Christmas Dinosaur Panto, Hideout
The story of Christ,
finally explained with more
dinosaurs, cavemen.
Sexy Santas Spectacular! Spectacular!—Burlesque Naughty List, Gorilla Tango Theatre
Deftly covered breasts.
(That last "Spectacular!" was
unnecessary.)
