Up, up, and in or out: Chicago Comics' worst-dressed superheroes list

High fashion and comics don’t exactly seem like chocolate and peanut butter, but Saturday’s fifth annual “How Lakeview Looks” Runway Fashion Show will put the two together with Chicago Comics’ participation this year. The comics shop vows to show “the latest in superhero fashion for trend-setting fashionistas,” though Owner Eric Kirsammer and General Manager Eric Thornton confess their involvement is largely tongue-in-cheek: Models will be strutting around Cubby Bear’s catwalk in Batman T-shirts and similar garments. Taking that facetiousness one step further, The A.V. Club asked Kirsammer and Thornton to help brainstorm a list of potential fashion superheroes and victims—and weigh in on whether their superpowers compensate for their dreary duds.

Black Condor
Powers: Flight, carries a “black light” pistol.

Eric Thornton: Horrible costume, horrible powers: He’s got good vision.

The A.V. Club: So he doesn’t need to wear glasses?

ET: Basically his power in and of itself is lame. So, add onto that a really lame costume, it’s ghastly. Really bad.

Eric Kirsammer: A lot of times, though, the bad costume will be on the guys with the lame powers.

AVC: Why?

EK: If somebody’s thinking up a lame idea for a character, they’re gonna be kinda lame.

ET: It really depends on the artist. Especially in the Golden Age of comics, those guys were gettin’ paid nothing. They were like failed draftsmen, they didn’t own rights to anything, so the costumes are horrible for the most part. By and large, most of the creators just didn’t give a shit.

If you would tell a creator in the ‘30s and ‘40s “Your creations will be around 60 years from now,” they would’ve laughed in your face. They’d just be like, “No, no, no, I’m just doing this—okay, you got a guy who can fly? Here’s his freakin’ costume.” And that’s that. And now, especially with X-Men in the movies, superheroes are kind of in fetish gear now. Spandex is out. They’re all in zip-up leather. So it definitely represents a particular period, though I don’t know what period of America spandex was popular.

Red Tornado
Powers: Creates tornado-like vortices, extremely intelligent, possesses superhuman strength.

ET: Red Tornado kind of has a cool costume!

EK: He’s actually a robot. So—

ET: That’s his excuse right there.

EK: Yeah, robots are notorious for bad fashion.

ET: I’m givin’ Red Tornado a pass.

Dazzler
Powers: can convert sonic vibrations (preferably music) into light.

ET: Roller skates on a superhero outfit? Never, ever a good idea. Ever.

EK: That’s definitely a product of that era.

ET: She beat Galacticus wearing roller skates—straight up took on Galacticus and beat him.

EK: But her powers are kind of lame.

ET: She transmits sound into music, or she translates sound into light waves. She’s basically a funnel for audio. So if she’s singin’ or she’s at a disco…

EK: Which is where she was.

AVC: Which happens all the time.

EK: You might say it was dazzling.

ET: They’re kind of cool powers. Her costume’s ridonkulous, though.

3-D Man
Powers: Has approximately three times the capabilities of an ordinary human.

 ET: 3-D Man has a horrible costume. It’s just this crazy prismatic jungle bus of just—you should look it up. If you see it, your eyes will bleed. He is three times as fast, three times as strong—he’s just three times everything you and I.

AVC: He’s super-sized.

ET: Right, but he’s not three times as big.

AVC: How did that happen?

ET: Very lazy writers. I don’t even know what his origin is.

AVC: His costume doesn’t make up for being three times as awesome?

ET: Not even close.

Cyborg
Powers: Cybernetic enhancements give superhuman strength, speed, endurance, and durability, can interface with computers.

EK: You know whose costume I hate is Cyborg.

ET: I like Cyborg’s costume!

EK: It’s just part mechanical and then there’s part that covers—

ET: Yeah, he’s like 75 percent chrome.

EK: And then he’s got flesh sticking out in places.

ET: He’s super-strong, but he’s totally Bionic Man. “I’m really strong with my robot arm. Don’t hit me on this arm, because I’ve got nothin’ there.”

AVC: He’s got an Achilles' heel everywhere.

ET: Yeah, exactly. If you hit him on this side of the face that’s all metal, he’s like, “Yeah, let’s do it.” If you hit him on this side, he’s like, “Ow!”

AVC: How often does that happen?

ET: Not often.

EK: No. Amazingly, consistently. If people shoot at him, they never hit the flesh part.

The Rhino
Powers: has superhuman strength, speed, stamina, durability, possesses razor-sharp horns.

EK: Pretty bad costume.

ET: I liked The Rhino’s costume. Very simple. It’s a rhino.

EK: It’s a guy in a rhino costume.

ET: What else is he supposed to look like?

EK: Except he’s like bulletproof. His costume is bulletproof.

ET: Except for his face.

AVC: In general, are you fans of literal costumes like that?

ET: It really depends. Stuff from the ‘60s? Yeah. A character like, say, The Rhino. If somebody would do that now, it would be lke, “What is this? A guy dressed up as a rhino and you’re calling him Rhino? Really?”

Brother Power The Geek
Powers: Possesses super power and speed, can absorb electricity.

ET: I don’t consider that a bad costume. Brother Power The Geek came out in the ‘60s at the height of hippie-dom, and he was basically powered by the love of the universe and everything. He kind of looked like Raggedy Andy.

EK: He looked like Lou Cage wearing a turtleneck for awhile.

ET: I don’t consider that his costume though. That was only for like a year or two. Everybody’s had a couple bad years and stuff, like when Dr. Strange had the mask.

AVC: What was his power?

ET: He didn’t really have much power. He basically made people groove out.

EK: That’s really cool.

ET: The ‘60s, man. They were a heady time. And it lasted literally two issues. People were just like, “What is this?”

Puck
Powers: Exceptional hand-to-hand combatant, skilled in bullfighting.

ET: Again, I love Puck. The big “P” could probably go. But as far as a character set in a character? I think he was one of the best characters created in the ‘80s. [Looks at Eric.] He does not agree.

EK: He’s just kind of lame. He just jumps around.

ET: He’s Canadian! He drinks a lot of beer! How many superheroes, like, that’s what they do on their off time? [His costume is] actually worked into the comic! Like, people see him and be like, “You look like a retard,” and he would be like, “Boom!” Just beat the crap out of ‘em.

EK: He’s only like 4 feet tall.

AVC: Would you dress up as him?

ET: Not only would I dress up as him, I would be his best friend.

EK: I don’t think I would dress up as anybody, but that’s a different story.