We Don't Negotiate With Tourists: The A.V. Club's guide to the city guides to Chicago

Summertime in Chicago means many things to many people, but to an increasingly cash-strapped city it means it's time for the annual influx of those sweet, sweet tourist dollars. In an effort to show off the visitor-friendly side of the Second City, countless publications and media personalities have offered their takes on what makes this town so great yet. While perusing these well-intentioned manuals and unknowingly outdated itineraries, The A.V. Club couldn't help but notice the omission of a few important details. Ever the eager tour guide, allow us to explain:

Getting Around
Frommer's says: The El is your best transportation option, and "half the fun is peeping into the windows of offices and homes as you speed by (don't feel guilty—we all do it)."
But they forgot to mention: We actually don't all do that, because we aren't all perverts and creeps. (Note: Some of us are, as you may learn aboard the Red Line after midnight.)
The A.V. Club recommends: At the very least, save some coin with the one-day fun pass—and if you're here for a convention, check with the organizers about the new C-Pass, which offers discount unlimited rides to registered conventioneers.

The Lakefront
Yelp says: "Get the FUCK out of the road," especially "Lincoln Park moms with double wide strollers that walk side by side and won't move for anyone. I have slapped people on the ass for not heeding my 'ON YOUR LEFT' calls."
But they forgot to mention: Ass-slapping Lincoln Park moms is no way to make friends. That kind of behavior might fly elsewhere, but Chicago respects its mothers.
The A.V. Club recommends: The lakefront is certainly beautiful, but definitely not worth drawing scorn from the locals. Instead of the Belmont-to-downtown route every visitor takes, try walking the southern leg of the path north toward downtown. You'll get plenty of equally fantastic skyline views, but with considerably less traffic. Your eyes will thank you for it—as will your ass.

Nightlife
The New York Times says: Friday night is best spent at G-Cue Billiards and Restaurant (157 N. Morgan St., 312-850-3170), thanks to its "tournament-ready tables from Belgium on two floors" and "more than 20 types of martinis and an enviable array of Scotch and Cognac."
But they forgot to mention: Beautiful gear and fancy drinks do not a Chicago pool hall make.
The A.V. Club recommends: Look, if you're going to be a tourist, you at least owe it to yourself to check out any of the local halls made famous by The Color Of Money: The warehouse decor and BYOB policy make film staple Chris's Billiards (4637 N. Milwaukee Ave., 773-286-7414) a fine destination, and nothing adds more fun to a vacation than asking total strangers, "Are you a hustler, Amos?"

Dining
Rachael Ray's $40 A Day says: "Rachael Ray toddles into the Windy City of Chicago with a farmer-sized appetite and just $40. She hits Kitsch 'n on Roscoe for breakfast, and BackStage Bistro for lunch. For dinner she tries Greek Islands, a Greek family restaurant. The evening ends at Navy Pier with macadamia popcorn."
But they forgot to mention: That frugality needn't go hand in hand with scattershot dining choices. Also, no evening should end at Navy Pier.
The A.V. Club recommends: If you really want to make a day of experiencing this city through your ravenous and gaping maw, Andersonville brunch spot M. Henry (5707 N. Clark St., 773-561-1600) is a good start. The restaurant's reputation for breakfast foods is unparalleled, and with dishes topping off at $8, you can choose from sizable stack of pancakes with berries or a more conventional (but no less tasty) spread with muffins and a fruit salad. For lunch, Rick Bayless' Xoco (449 N. Clark St., 312-334-3688) offers an accessible take on Mexican street food that, sure, isn't exactly cheap (expect to drop between $8 and $12), but you can brag to your hayseed friends about seeing that beard-speckled Bayless fella from Top Chef Masters in the flesh. For dinner, hop back up north to super-popular high-end pub/restaurant Hopleaf (5148 N. Clark St., 773-334-9851). The A.V. Club always orders a duck reuben ($12), and the summer heat demands cooling off with an equally peculiar but satisfying mustard beer ($10). If you're fine with using the word "toddles" to describe how you ambulate around, by all means splurge (or skip the beer) and keep it under $40 with an ice cream from George's (5306 N. Clark St., 773-271-7600). If you were really planning on keeping the trip cheap, you'd be borrowing your Chicago friends' CTA passes anyway—not getting swindled $14 for an unlimited-rides three-day card.

Downtown
The New York Times says: "The Magnificent Mile, just north of the Loop along Michigan Avenue, is a neighborhood too full of the city’s most glamorous, high-end shops to feel like a neighborhood at all." Also: "The neighborhoods are your focus, but first, head for the city’s Loop (Chicago-speak for downtown) for a look at Millennium Park, Mayor Richard M. Daley’s sensory-overloading masterpiece along Lake Michigan."
But they forgot to mention: That downtown isn't a neighborhood. Also, just about everything in the Loop (which is just "Chicago-speak" for "the Loop") closes by 10 or 11 p.m., as if mandated by a curfew imposed by its puritanical, fun-hating parents.
The A.V. Club recommends: This is common sense to hardboiled locals, but stay the hell away from the Loop at all costs. It's advantageous to book lodging there, though, as the area serves as an excellent hub: As previously mentioned, it's quiet at nights, and also conveniently has stops from just about every El line within walking distance from most hotels. Since we're not really ones to inflate an air mattress and extend an open invitation to out-of-town guests, The A.V. Club recommends that you recommend your friends stay at the Marriott Renaissance on Wacker and State. It can be pricy, sure, with some rooms starting at $200 a night, but if you're gonna come here, do it in style. The location offers a quieting view of the river, skyline, and is near the Metra, the Brown, Red, Green, and Blue lines, and Union Station. But why anyone would want to travel all the way here and take the Metra is beyond us.

Things To Do
TripAdvisor says: American Girl Place, rated the 20th-best attraction in Chicago for some reason, "is a dream come true for little girls (and their moms!)"
But they forgot to mention: The misguided weirdness of the entire American Girl empire. Do your children dream of broccoli and mushroom quiche? Do moms think their daughter's Lanie doll could use a new hairdo? We didn't think so.
The A.V. Club recommends: Rather than fight the crowd for a set of press-on doll nails, why not go home with a fancy new addition to the imaginary family? Gigi's Dolls & Sherry's Teddy Bears (6029 N. Northwest Hwy., 773-594-1540) boasts a veritable museum of collectible and one-of-a-kind miniatures—and you don't even need a reservation.

The Neighborhoods
Explore Chicago says: "With Sikia, the college, plus some new retail and new housing, today's Englewood offers visitors a chance to see a neighborhood in the midst of a comeback."
But they forgot to mention: Sikia's nice but no, there's no comeback. Trust us on this.
The A.V. Club recommends: Despite positive thinking and good intentions, some parts of this city aren't ready to have company over just yet. Be careful out there, dear visitor.