Zombie preparedness fitness class: Because fatties die first
It could happen to you.
In this era of colossal government fuckups and widespread national sloth, the "zombie preparedness fitness class" at Unicus Fitness Center on Saturday was inevitable. This circuit training regimen ran fearful victims-could-be through strength and cardio-based exercises, with the goal of preparing them for the inevitable. It makes sense: The recent film Zombieland demonstrated that, during a zombie attack, fatties die first—a good reason to kick up those heels.
Locale-wise, one would be hard-pressed to find a more ideal zombie apocalypse training facility in the city. Situated on the 32nd floor of a sprawling, labyrinthine business complex, Unicus Fitness Center is not listed in the directory, and even some of the building employees remain oblivious to it. After wandering for 15 minutes through deserted corridors, I was informed by a bored security guard that, in fact, the center didn't exist. Cut to a few minutes later; I stumbled across a reception desk, where another security guard somberly informed me that, yes, Unicus exists, but that he would have to first “grant [me] clearance” before I could “gain access to the facility.” And what a facility: sparse and windowless, with high concrete walls and an exposed heating system, it felt like a bunker deep below the earth.
Once the class started, the zombie drills were performed with unsettling intensity. In the cavernous back room, a group of nine very fit individuals (mostly women) were engaged in a remarkably grueling circuit while a wiry instructor called out commands over blaring techno beats: “Sprint! Sprint! You don’t have to be faster than the zombies; you just have to be faster than the girl running alongside you.”
Sage advice, and far more ruthless than anticipated. As someone who has spent my evenings underlining entire chapters of Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide, I did not feel out of place. Other, less-zealous zombie enthusiasts may have recoiled at the intensity of the regimen. The circuits, punctuated by one-minute rest periods, consisted of various zombie-oriented power and agility drills. A typical circuit went as follows:
One: Leap over and duck under a set of six hurdles.
Two: Bash in a pile of deflated car tires with a sledgehammer.
Three: Run suicide sprints, dragging a weighted sled behind you.
Four: Swing a 20-pound baseball bat at eye level; for this drill, one notably buff woman grunted “Hi-ya!” with every powerful swing of her baseball bat because she's hardcore.
Five: Don boxing gloves and practice punching. I can tell you a zombie expert: This last drill makes little sense. Punching a zombie in the face will probably only make it angrier. Plus, engaging in hand-to-hand combat greatly increases the risk of being bitten. But it completed the circuit, so I had at it.
Class instructor Sarah Bright boasted credentials that would instill peace of mind in even the most skeptical Z-Day trainee: She spent four years as a personal trainer at Air Force bases across Germany and is clearly up on her zombie news. “I read the Zombie Survival Guide and learned that your number one tool is a fit body," she said. "There aren’t gonna be people to help you if you’re running around screaming in high heels. You have to decide ahead of time that you are going to be a survivor, that you won’t have to depend on anyone else. [In movies,] you’ve seen what happens to the screamers.”
If you weren't worried enough about the End Of Days to attend, Unicus also offers a host of event-oriented fitness classes, like “Beach Body Emergency!” and “Wedding Boot Camp.” Though those classes seem trivial, since as Bright put it, “Not everyone is gonna have a wedding. But everyone is gonna need to be ready for the zombie apocalypse.”
You can further prepare by visiting www.unicusfitness.com or dialing 312-819-4466 and sign up for the four-week class (Nov. 7, 14, 21, and Dec. 5), which costs $15 for an individual meeting or $45 for the whole run.
