Last Sunday, while accepting a Moonman statue in one of the horrific "party suites" at the Video Music Awards in Las Vegas, Justin Timberlake quickly downshifted from "cocky" to "cocky and attempting to keep it real" when he turned to the cameras and gave MTV a piece of unsolicited advice: "Play more damn videos." Then he laughed haughtily in that way that only people who seriously use words like "Futuresex" can. Later on in the show, when he accepted his second Moonman, Timberlake repeated the sentiment, in case MTV, or the network's weary audience, had missed his very important point.
But it was Timberlake—naturally—who'd missed the point. MTV obviously hasn't been about videos for a long time. The network transitioned from being an avenue for music into being an avenue for "youth culture" a long time ago. Timberlake's advice, and the implicit, stale complaint that MTV doesn't play music any more, has been irrelevant for more than a decade. So too is the old complaint that MTV glorifies consumerist youth culture. Well, of course it does. It always has. Duh.
Still, there's something incredibly wrong with MTV, and though the network has been steadily declining for some time, it's now past the point of self-parody and approaching the depths of something almost evil. If MTV had a soul, it would be black, empty, and full of quicksand. The terrible VMAs only made it more obvious. In short, MTV hates you, and it isn't shy about showing its contempt. How else could you explain the following?
The offender: A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila
The setup: Failed pop star, noted naked MySpace user, and bisexual Tila Tequila lives in a house with 16 men and 16 women who compete to bask in the warmth of her love (and a probably very unsanitary Jacuzzi).
The con: Unlike VH1's Flavor Of Love and I Love New York, which played like cartoonish, comedic versions of The Bachelor, A Shot At Love promises to play like one thing: porn, or as close to porn as possible. Why else would you hire Tila Tequila?
MTV hates you: Besides increasing the visibility of someone like Tila Tequila, this show is like televising the digging of a basement underneath the subterranean lair where reality TV resides. If that isn't contempt, nothing is.
The offender: MTV's continually shifting, arbitrary censorship policy
The setup: The network has angered conservatives and parents' groups since it started, and has repeatedly buckled in the most illogical ways. MTV's approach boils down to bleeping and blurring, as well as cutting scenes from videos. Recently, Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls" had "suicidal" bleeped. If you mention guns, triggers, drugs, or any slang related to those, you're bleeped. DJ Khaled's "We Takin' Over" reportedly had "supply" and "work" bleeped because of their context: "We can supply you / got enough work to feed the whole town."
The con: This approach gives the illusion of taking action while not really doing anything. And the network's decisions can be ludicrous: "The Old Apartment" by Barenaked Ladies was supposedly edited to remove a scene where someone rips a telephone from a wall. If you're censoring a Barenaked Ladies song, it's time to reassess things.
MTV hates you: By acting as if removing "sensitive words" accomplishes anything.
The offender: Parental Control
The setup: Parents who disapprove of their child's boyfriend/girlfriend select two potential replacements (whom they interview with questions that sound like Newlywed Game rejects) for a date. Then they watch the dates transpire with the current boyfriend/girlfriend. At the end of the show, their kid chooses between the parentally mandated mates and the current one.
The con: Everything on MTV exudes an air of relentless calculation, but virtually every interaction on Parental Control sounds scripted, particularly the clumsy barbs traded between parents and their kids' significant others. You can practically hear the PA standing off-camera directing them: "Don't you think he's a douchebag? Then say it!" MTV has a long history of dating shows—Singled Out, anyone?—but this ranks among its tackiest. (Next takes top honors.)
MTV hates you: Like any good MTV show, Parental Control captures a shade of humanity's dark side in a soul-crushing half-hour. And, like any good MTV show, it derides its subjects while celebrating their vapidity. (See also My Super Sweet 16.)
The offender: Giant blue bars that fill the screen during videos on Subterranean
The setup: At the beginning and end of every video—this is on M2, where some videos still air—giant blue bars appear announcing the band name, album title, director, etc. Remember the nondescript text that used to be in the left corner of videos? This is the complete opposite of that.
The con: Sure, it's a bold design, something MTV has always been known for, but it's also really, really annoying.
MTV hates you: By insisting the art of design supersede the art of, you know, the video.
The offender: Super Sweet 16: The Movie
The setup: Super Sweet 16 is a made-for-TV movie adaptation of the most offensive show on television: My Super Sweet 16, where overprivileged, under-disciplined brats and their enabling parents spend upward of a few hundred thousand dollars on their 16th birthday parties. In the movie, a couple of best friends squabble over their joint party. ('Tween sensations Aly and AJ Michalka co-star—with, um, Roddy Piper.)
The con: The movie attempts to atone for the show's excess by making the protagonists likeable everygirls, then clumsily using images of Hurricane Katrina to give them perspective. "We totally realize that some people, like, have it bad. Seriously, WTH?!"
MTV hates you: By trying to have it both ways. The network wants to cash in on its show's popularity, but also feebly address the criticism My Super Sweet 16 invites.
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