June 30th, 2008
1. Lee Greenwood, "God Bless The U.S.A."
C-list country singer Lee Greenwood has built a career on his pride in being an American, which at least entitles him to know that he's free. Countless Republican politicians have similarly adopted "God Bless The U.S.A." as a showy demonstration of undying patriotism. But given the song's solemn vow to "gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today," is it possible that Greenwood—in spite of his extensive collection of red, white, and blue jackets—is, in fact, full of it? Considering all of the conflicts this country has been involved with since the song's 1984 release—including Panama, Iraq, Bosnia, Afghanistan, and Iraq—he's had ample opportunity to "gladly" follow through on the whole "stand up for freedom" thing.
2. "The Star Spangled Banner"
Yes, it's our National Anthem, but "The Star Spangled Banner" also happens to be an overwrought song written by an amateur poet about a war nobody cares about, with a melody nicked from a popular British drinking tune that's really, really hard to sing. Penned by Francis Scott Key during an attack on Fort McHenry during the War Of 1812, "The Star Spangled Banner" actually consists of four stanzas, three of which are almost never sung. There's a good reason for that: "And where is that band who so vauntingly swore / that the havoc of war and the battle's confusion / a home and a country should leave us no more!" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, no matter how many beers you drink before the ball game.
3. Toby Keith, "Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue (The Angry American)"
Toby Keith's "Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue (The Angry American)" marches right past rah-rah flag-waving ("American girls and American guys will always stand up and salute / will always recognize when we see Old Glory flying") into a squirm-inducing celebration of military might. ("And you'll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A. / 'cause we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way") Inspired by the 9/11 attacks, the song hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot Country chart in 2002, but five years and 4,000-plus fallen soldiers after "we lit up your world like the Fourth of July," the song has become more of an embarrassment than a wartime anthem.
4. Johnny Cash, "Ragged Old Flag"
By and large, Johnny Cash eschewed jingoism throughout his career, preferring to sketch a more complicated portrait of America's glory and its mistakes. But even Cash couldn't resist the trend toward spoken-word patriotic fare that became common as the Bicentennial approached. Though "Ragged Old Flag" acknowledges that "the government for which she stands / has been scandalized throughout out the land," the song mythologizes the stars and stripes as a symbol of all the wars that have strengthened America's resolve and character. This song and its ilk were memorably mocked in Robert Altman's Nashville, via "200 Years," the opening song by Roy Acuff surrogate Haven Hamilton. (Sample lyric: "I pray my sons won't go to war / But if they must, they must.")
5. Charlie Daniels, "That Ain't No Rag, It's A Flag"
Charlie Daniels made his reputation as part of the outlaw-country crowd, crowing about his long hair and redneck pride. But after scoring a hit with his response to the Iranian hostage crisis—the lamentation "In America"—Daniels joined the love-it-or-leave-it crowd, replacing his freak flag with God and Old Glory. Post-9/11, Daniels took on al-Qaeda, explaining to the terrorists, "This ain't no rag, it's a flag / And we don't wear it on our heads." He goes on to warn that since the bad guys have "wounded our American pride," we're going to have to go after them "with a gun." It's foreign policy in pep-rally form.
6. Dennis Madalone, "America We Stand As One"
Ostensibly a remembrance for fallen soldiers, Dennis Madalone's video for his power ballad "America We Stand As One" earned the dubious title of "Internet Phenomenon" for its caterwauling cries of "AMERICAAAA" and bludgeoning patriotic imagery that seeks to prove that there is no object over which you cannot drape, wave, or superimpose Old Glory. The mulleted former stuntman's love letter to his dead countrymen comes via bewildering sentiments like "You must be strong, your chin up high / Yes I still live, I did not die / I had to go, but it's okay / You see I'm with you in a different way." Wait, what? No matter; why bother making your anthem original or even coherent when you can simply rely on stock footage of soaring eagles and lots of fist-clenching emoting?
7. Ray Stevens, "Osama Yo Mama"
Taking a lighter approach to Charlie Daniels' "you're messin' with the wrong country" chest-thumping, Ray Stevens' decidedly goofier "Osama Yo Mama" mocks America's most diabolical enemy, teasing that his mother "must have wrapped yo' turban too tight." Stevens also adopts the voice of "Dubya" and grunts, "You in a heap o' trouble, boy," and later points out to Osama that "you're starting to remind us of another maniac...you know who, he started World War II"—thereby invoking Godwin's Law. You've got to hand it to Stevens for using public mockery as a weapon. Who wouldn't be ashamed to be called out by the man who wrote "The Streak" and "Ahab The Arab"?
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