June 30th, 2008
15. Canibus, "Draft Me"
Next-big-thing turned hip-hop footnote Canibus leaped into the post-9/11 xenophobic fray with the noxious macho fantasy "Draft Me." With sophisticated lyrics like "Draft me! I wanna fight for my country / Jump in a Humvee and murder those monkeys!" the song instantly hurled itself into a time capsule of kitsch. At least Canibus proved a man of his word: Denied the compulsory draft he so richly desired, he enrolled in the Army, only to be kicked out for smoking cannabis. How appropriate.
16. Murphy's Law, "America Rules"
New York band Murphy's Law had the well-earned reputation of being hardcore's goofball, as the title of its 1989 album, Back With A Bong!, made clear. But it wasn't all fun and games: Among the 25 songs on Bong! is "America Rules," which makes its case as succinctly as the title implies. "We take what we want, we do what we please / That's why it's called the land of the free," followed by a chorus of "America… rules!" Singer Jimmy Gestapo then goes on to list the three things that embody why the U.S. rules so hard, stuff no other country has: "Yeah, America! Baseball, pretty girls, rock 'n' roll!"
17. Iced Earth, "When The Eagle Cries"
Tuneful death-metal band Iced Earth takes a look back at the countless sacrifices made to produce the Declaration Of Independence, and asks defiantly of America's British tyrannical oppressors: "How could they?" Though no less a history lesson than the rest of the war-history-inspired The Glorious Burden, "When The Eagle Cries" perfectly captures the American revolutionaries' outraged ballsiness, over icy acoustic guitars and an absolutely majestic, explosive chorus: "All they've done is made us stronger / The sleeping giant is asleep no longer / If need be, we'll die free."
18. Hulk Hogan And The Wrestling Boot Band, "American Made"
A standout track off of Hulk Rules, perhaps the greatest album ever to come out of the WWF, "American Made" transforms the crushing, bloody reality of war into a entertainingly fakey spectacle perfectly suited for the undisputed king of entertainingly fakey spectacles. "He'll fight for your freedom if you really believe," proclaims the comically screechy singer—who, sadly, is not Hulk Hogan. He goes on to list the Hulkster's many pro-America attributes, which include (but are not excluded to): having red, white, and blue (along with stars and stripes) running through his veins, having the pride of his country on his sleeve (even though Hulk never wears sleeves), and passing "U.S. grade" inspection.
19. Clint Black, "Iraq & Roll"
Only an artist as earnest as Clint Black could capture America's uncertain zeitgeist during the recently post-9/11, post-Iraq invasion period with equal parts tact and bombast. After a triumphant, twang-y strain of "Star-Spangled Banner," Black quickly dispenses with the Iraq War protestors by reminding them that our precious freedom enables them to disagree, and that they can either "Come along / Or you can stay behind / Or you can get out of the way." Fortunately, 2003's "Iraq & Roll" avoids further touchy ruminations on politics in favor of touting America's "high-tech G.I. Joe" badass weaponry to "take out the garbage": "I got infrared, I got GPS / I got that good old-fashioned lead / Now it might be a smart bomb, they find stupid people too / If you stand with the likes of Saddam, one might just find you."
20. Milo Tremley, "Kick Ass U.S.A."
Neither as sincere as most of the songs on this list, nor as subsequently embarrassing, "Kick Ass U.S.A." proved a minor hit for Milo Tremley, the shit-kickin' good-ol-boy persona of comedian James Lee Reeves. Like so many pitch-perfect parodies, it seemed to find its biggest audience among those who took it wholly seriously, though the way the catchy, dumb chorus heads straight for the lizard brain makes it hard to blame them. At least Reeves doesn't focus on the specific foreigners America should be booting; "Kick Ass U.S.A." is an all-purpose general cry of defiance against enemies and doubters of all stripes, delivered by a character who claims he enrolled in the military to defend the country, then toughened up to the point where "I break blocks with my head, I eat bullets in bed, and I chase 'em with 90 octane." What to do with all that power? Kick ass for the U.S.A, of course.
21. Team America, "America, Fuck Yeah"
Okay, so Team America's song is clearly a joke, a response to the sorts of songs that make up the majority of this list. But take out some of the obvious cracks ("Slavery! Fuck yeah! Fake tits! Fuck yeah!") and it isn't that far removed in sentiment from, say, Sammy Hagar's "VOA." Sing along: "Coming again, to save the motherfucking day / America, fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way / Terrorist, your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to / America, fuck yeah!"
BONUS VIDEO: Bob Odenkirk as "C.S. Lewis Jr., Patriotic Country Singer."
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