BP: Toki has diabetes, like Bret Michaels from Rock Of Love. What else do you think Toki and Bret Michaels have in common?
NE: Adult Onset Self-Induced Diabetes, yeah. That's a good question. I think they're both bipolar. Is Bret Michaels? Maybe he's not.
BP: Toki has a full head of hair, so it's not that.
NE: Oh, I see: You're leading the witness. I don't know, you can never really tell when a guy starts wearing one of those do-rags what's going on up there, but Toki's got a full head of hair for now. It's part of being in a metal band; you just gotta make sure you have your hair for the time being. Except for [Dethklok drummer] Pickles. I think they like to wear ladies' underpants when they're by themselves. I'm not sure. That might be true. I know it's true for Toki. I don't know about Bret Michaels. I don't know if this is true of both of them, but I know that Toki was caught fucking a cat once.
BP: All right, we'll just say that Bret Michaels was also caught fucking a cat.
NE: I cannot confirm or deny that. I can only confirm that Toki was, and he was drunk, and we did dress the cat up like a lady.
The A.V. Club: Would you accept an offer to star in Rock Of Love?
BP: Yeah, would you go on there and maybe try to find a lady out of 25 whores that signed up from the Internet?
NE: I would, but I'm kind of involved with a lady right now. Her name is Rebecca Nightrod, and she fell down the stairs and she's in a coma. And I gotta tell you, it's the best relationship I've ever been in. I don't wanna mess that up.
BP: Well, if somebody unplugged Rebecca, would you go on VH1 and try to find a lady?
NE: Yeah.
BP: Or would you try to find more ladies that were in comas?
NE: Yeah! I guess I just like the idea… It's that Lockdown theory: It's really fun to watch ladies fight, you know?
BP: Would your show be 25 women in a coma trying to compete for your love?
NE: No. Here's the rules. I got it. You get, like, 20 ladies—high-class ladies, you know, really well-read—and give them all a bunch of homemade shivs, like a toothbrush that's whittled down to a sharp point. And you put them on a slippery surface, like a bathroom floor. And then you time them. You say, "You've got 45 seconds. Go!"
BP: How do you get 13 half-hour episodes of television out of that?
NE: I would take a big hiatus and probably just rethink the whole season somewhere in the middle.
Would Nathan Considering Being On Rock Of Love?
BP: Your mosh pits must be insane. What's the most brutal thing you've ever seen in a Dethklok pit?
NE: One time I saw a guy fall into a really big plate filled with donkey cum, like on the show Double Dare, but with donkey cum. That was pretty irresponsible for someone to have left it out like that. Another time, there were two guys who ran at each other full force in a mosh pit and exploded their brains and guts and donkey cum onto a bride who had just gotten out of a limousine at that exact moment.
BP: You guys have met kings and presidents and drive-time DJs, so you've met pretty much everybody. Who would you like to meet that you haven't—living, dead, or living dead?
NE: That's a good one. I would like to meet a dead guy. A guy that's like… [Makes dead-guy noise.] Like a fuckin' zombie. I'd like to meet Boris Karloff as The Mummy, and he is a mummy.
BP: So in character, but also dead?
NE: And also an Egyptian mummy.
BP: It's like the actor playing a character, but also he really is an Egyptian mummy?
NE: Yeah, and if I can do that, then I'd also like to meet Boris Karloff coming back to life, and also Frankenstein, uh, you know, reanimated.
BP: The real Frankenstein? Or Boris Karloff in character as Frankenstein?
NE: Dead Boris Karloff, but maybe new arms. Maybe Bela Lugosi's arms sewed on him and then reanimated from lightning.
BP: What would you say to him if you met him?
NE: "How's it going? What are you doing here?" I'd show him the Internet. I'd show him computers and YouTube. See what he has to say about that. I'd play him The Dethalbum. I'd sell him one.
BP: You'd make the reanimated Boris Karloff buy your album?
NE: I would make him get a job and earn his money like a regular grown-up.
BP: And then with that money, you would make him purchase your record.
NE: Yeah, I mean if he's my fucking monster, then he's gotta do what I tell him. I'd get him a job, though. I'd make him mow our lawn. He can buy our CD and support the cause—the cause that brought him back to life.
BP: Your music has summoned mythical ocean creatures; does it have any other powers?
NE: It "allegedly"—my lawyer made me say that—has the power to summon mythical ocean creatures. But we've been told that our music has the power to impregnate nuns with demon babies. And we've been told that our music—allegedly—can change the weather, causing tornados, volcanoes to erupt, and making it really oppressively hot and humid. And make women so horny that they die of horniness. Allegedly.
BP: When you're headlining a festival show in Europe, who do you hate most: hipsters, hippies, or Germans?
NE: We try to hate all of our fans equally, but we really giggle when we see those dildo ironic-T-shirt-wearing hipsters get mutilated. One time, one of those guys got smashed by a 400-pound stage light, and I laughed until I squirted beer through my nose. But don't get me wrong, we hate everybody. Hippies are disgusting lumps of worthless slime. We hate them the most. Or Germans.
AVC: Are Dethklok fans of Brian's work? Have you seen him in anything before?
NE: Yeah, we love that show where you're that guy, uh, with that other blond guy that looks like a lady. But it takes place at a modeling place.
BP: Just Shoot Me.
NE: Yeah! Yeah, that's good.
BP: The lady's David Spade.
NE: Yeah, he looks like Hayley Mills. Love him. He's just adorable. America's sweetheart. We love him. Also, I don't know if you've ever seen this show, the Blue Collar Comedy Special thing? Oh my God, that is great! Are you in that?
BP: No, I'm not a part of Blue Collar Comedy.
NE: You gotta call those guys. Oh my God. Me and Pickles, one time we went out and saw some live comedy. This guy, oh my God it was funny! Dane Cook. It was amazing. How does he do that? How do you go up there and do that?
BP: I'm not anything like Dane Cook. I don't know how he does what he does.
NE: Did you ever see Tourgasm? Oh my God, that's good.
BP: That's what I'm aspiring to.
NE: Yeah, you keep trying. You'll get there.
Are Dethklok Fans Of Brian Posehn's?
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