Tilt LCD Video Game: Baseball ($8)
Any similarity between the narrow, white, rectangular Tilt handheld game design and a Wii controller is… Well, it isn't merely intentional, it's the whole damn point. In theory, Tilt's "motion control" technology lets players swing the game around and make a microscopic batter sock a microscopic ball on a literally postage-stamp-sized screen. In practice, it's impossible for anyone to wave their hands back and forth and still follow the game's action, because when the light strikes the screen at a certain angle, the shadows of every potential LCD runner, batter, pitcher, and fielder clutter up the image. If you were to take your Tilt to a Wii party and stand in front of the TV, pretending to play, you'd get just as much out of it.
Win Everything Elite Troops ($1.99, from $3.99)
Half the fun of our annual look at the cheapest in cheap toys is the search for the most appallingly broken English instructions on all the cheap Chinese knock-offs. This year's winner (though according to the label, it was "Made in Chane") is certainly Win Everything Elite Troops, an enthusiastic plastic soldier foursome apparently meant to represent the American ideals of uncompromising combat victory (win everything!) and multicultural acceptance. "Top maintenance peace!" the package proclaims. "Come to own it together!" Apparently maintenance of peace is hazardous, though—one of these soldiers has a clumsy eyepatch, the black soldier's blackness seems to have melted off his inner arms and onto his clothes, and a third soldier's face is distinctly lopsided and smeary. They may be dangerous to kids, too, given the box suggestion: "When child play the toy, suggestion contain adult beside."
Beetle Barn Lifecycle Kit ($14.99, from $19.99)
Everybody's bored of ant farms by now, right? I mean, c'mon. Ants. What's up with those dull-ass things, huh? Well, until the marketing geniuses behind all the Simpsons merch finally get off their asses and start selling Mr. Burns' Tarantula Town, the kids of today can buy the Beetle Barn, a cute little plastic barn with pencil-eraser-sized "windows" and no transparent surfaces, so they can't actually observe their live beetles at play. What fun! The instructions walk kids through the beetle-raising process: First they send away for mealworms (as the packaging notes, "Send coupon to get your LIVE LARVAE!"), then they put them in the transparent "silo" and watch them pupate and hatch into bug form. Then they try not to squish them with the set's clumsy plastic tweezers as they transfer them to the plastic barn, which they can never open again without wondering whether a beetle or three has crawled up onto the removable lid, and is planning to drop, wriggling, into their laps or down their shirts, as soon as the top is lifted. Best part of the instructions: "The adults will breed by laying eggs and beginning the life cycle again. If you don't want another batch of mealworms and beetles, place the Barn and silos in the freezer for a few days, and then dispose of the contents." Hey kids, did you know this also works on that puppy, kitten, or small sibling that you're tired of?
Spider-Man 3 Bug Vacuum ($3.99, from $14.99)
Of course, 10 minutes after the kids become bored with their beetles and freezer them up real good, they'll probably also become bored with not having insect pets any more. Which is where having a bug vacuum comes in handy: Just send them out into the wild to harvest their own pets. (This also works on kittens and puppies, at least if the neighbors let their pets out without supervision.) Alternately, parents who really want the little tykes out of their hair can send them off to play with the suggestion "You know, if you managed to find and vacuum up your own radioactive spider, you'd gain super-powers and become totally cool and wind up saving Kirsten Dunst's lame ass all the time." That should keep 'em occupied for at least a couple of hours while the adults down a few more rounds of rummed-up eggnog.
Dream Life TV Plug-In Game ($14.99, from $49.99)
Every single aspect of this product is depressing. "Create the life you dream about!", it gushes. "Choose new lifestyle! Pick your fashion!" And best of all, "Make new friends!" Oh, really? The game is networked, like MySpace, so you can meet people with it? No, you're just interacting with some preprogrammed avatars who tell you you're cool. This game also lets you do all the things you can't do in real life, like go to school, shop at the mall, do chores around the house, and "create your best friend!" In other words, it's like a Z-grade version of The Sims that takes pity on you, tries to boost your flagging self-esteem, and doesn't ever pointedly remind you that your best friend is a creepily pixilated TV image. Too bad real life isn't interactive or customizable in any way, and there's no way to achieve any of your dreams there, huh?
Fantastic 4 Light-Up Flying Human Torch ($1.99, from $14.99)
"Johnny Storm lived his life on the edge—specializing in fast cars, pretty girls and extreme sports. Often walking the fine line between foolishness and fun, Johnny's reputation for risk-taking was nearly as legendary as his love for practical joking. Johnny had another, more serious side, too—as the best pilot and astronaut in the world. But no amount of skill could save Johnny from his fate as he piloted Reed's doomed space mission." And wound up in cheap-plastic-toy form, looking remarkably like what would come out of the wrong end of a Great Dane who sucked down a bunch of molten orange plastic. Except that a giant orange dog turd wouldn't have a huge burst of plastic flames running down the front of the chest like a stylized hairy remora. In theory, you're supposed to attach the Light-Up Flying Human Torch to your kid's ceiling and watch it zoom violently in circles, straining at the end of its tether. In practice, having this thing hanging overhead—what with its transparent orange skin, visible mechanical innards, sucking furry chest remora, and structural screw exactly where the wang should go—is likely to give children even worse nightmares than the prospect of sitting through Fantastic Four again.
Pirates Accessory Of Kit ($2.99, from $4.99)
You know what are fun? To playing pirate. With accessory of kit, children are have everything needed for pirate be. Is with sword, also plastic hook have, and eyepatch and gold ring for ears. To buy accessory of kit now! To buy it going you quick!
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