Jones Candy Corn Soda
Jones can always be counted on to come up with horrendous soda flavors around the holidays—they're famous for Thanksgiving "treats" like Turkey, Brussels Sprouts, and—ugh, The A.V. Club is sick just thinking about last year's set. For Halloween, Jones is staying pretty pedestrian—flavors like Gruesome Grape and Spider Cider sound utterly drinkable. But Candy Corn soda… that one crosses the line. It tastes a bit like buttered-popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellys, and leaves a sickly aftertaste. The cans are tiny, but you won't want to drink them all.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: None. But the front says "Candy Corn Soda," so that's something.
Worth the price: If only to play that Jones Soda game, "This is gross! Try it!" with your friends. Or to annoy those rascally neighborhood kids. Then again, they might like it.
Oh Rats! Blue Raspberry Flavored Gummy Rat
This thing is huge. No one should really eat this much gummi-stuff in one sitting. On the other hand, the prospect of saving half a chewed rat for later is fairly gross. Maybe you can pretend you're a devoted kitty-cat, and leave the half-eaten rodent in the shoes or on the bathmat of someone you love.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Glycerol."
Worth the price? Not really. Though the same company also makes a giant gummi bat for those who like pretending to be Ozzy Osbourne.
Eyeball Candy Rings
What's so scary about eyeballs? Why do Halloween candy manufacturers keep returning to eyeballs as a design theme? And what makes them think they can pass off a Ring Pop rip-off wrapped in veiny-eyeball-imprinted cellophane as "eyeball candy"? (Especially when the ring itself is shaped like a daisy.) The scariest part of the Eyeball Candy Ring is how when the cellophane comes off, the actual candy looks like a molten plastic prune.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Titanium dioxide."
Worth the price? The rings come 12 to a bag, which is a lot for a buck, but they have an expiration date of July 2008, and it would be hard for anyone to eat 12 of these sticky, semi-sweet hard-candy lumps in less than a year.
Gushing Gooey Eyes
Next on the list of "eyes are totally scary" Halloween-themed candy products: another generic treat rendered mildly creepy via its packaging. But strip away the little plastic envelope with the iris and veins on it, and Gushing Gooey Eyes are just generic flat marshmallows with a little fruity gel inside. Neither particularly gushing nor particularly gooey, they are at least a little slimy, but no more so than any other marshmallow.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Carrageenan."
Worth the price? At 24 for a buck, in three fruit flavors—strawberry, raspberry, and lemon—they're a pretty good deal for marshmallow-treat fans, though a lousy one for sickos who actually like eating eyes, or anything that approximates them.
3D Gum
Not to be confused with all those boring, standard one- and two-dimensional gums crowding the market, 3D Gum comes in a package that will teach children all about the wonderful world of bait-and-switch. A window at the top of the Shrek The Third-themed packaging exposes a surprisingly detailed, large piece of plastic-like gum shaped and colored like a Shrek character. It also promises "four pieces of gum." But the concealed other three pieces are smaller, crudely shaped, monochromatic lumps that look like they came out of a knockoff Play-Doh shape press. The mystical third dimension is the dimension of rip-off.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Flavors." Mmm, gum flavored with… something. To taste like… something. Presumably Shrek.
Worth the price? Four pieces of gum for a buck wouldn't be particularly worth it even if it were good gum.
Test Tubes Powder Candy
These flavored-sugar delivery devices come from the makers of Eyeball Candy Rings, and share the same cartoon mad scientist as a mascot—which makes more sense for test tubes. The individual containers house sub-Pixy Stick sour dust, which doesn't flow onto the tongue so much as it falls out in clumps, prompting alarmed consumers to spit clouds of blue raspberry all over their shirts.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: None, though like the Eyeball Candy Rings, the test tubes have an expiration date. Prior to July 2008? Tasty treat. After July 2008? Deadly poison.
Worth the price? No. Everything about this candy is more trouble than it's worth, from the intractable outer package to the inevitable visit from Homeland Security when a neighbor sees these lying around in your kitchen.
Buggin' Glow Pop
The disturbing thing about the Buggin' Glow Pop isn't the kinda cute blue raspberry insect lollipop inside, or even the tiny light bulb inside of it, which takes up a lot of candy space but does make the lollipop glow when you press a button. No, the disturbing bit is the little jar it comes in, which proudly proclaims "Reusable bug jar!" and shows a cartoon picture of a jar full of fireflies. Leaving aside the mild ick factor of rushing through your lollipop so you can go cram some struggling insects into your still-sticky food container, it's worth noting that the "air holes" in the top of the jar don't actually go all the way through. But hey, the little light bulb will totally illuminate your suffocated, desiccated bug corpses for you later on.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: None; it's all sugar, corn syrup, and dyes. Which is scary enough on its own.
Worth the price? A non-bug-themed lollipop and a Mason jar with actual real holes poked in the top would be cheaper, more traditional, and easier on those poor fireflies.
Creepy Crawling Snakes Candy
This Target-branded package was irresistible because it's so incredibly boring. A generic black-and-orange cardboard back holds four gummi-looking snakes, each individually wrapped. They don't look appetizing or fun, really. The back is taken up mostly by nutritional information, plus a stern "FOR AGES 3 & UP!"
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Candy made in China," which is listed under the ingredients. If it made it this far and costs only 99 cents, who wants to eat it?
Worth the price: Definitely not. Turns out these aren't even gummis—they're like little lollipops. The painted-on eyes are a nice touch, though.
Mallow Fries
What's scarier than disembodied eyes and plastic bugs? A hearty helping of "mallow fries," a yellow-dyed collection of plasticky marshmallows shaped and packaged to look like French fries. And they even come with "kandy ketchup" for that extra shudder of horror. Why not just have some real French fries? They're about as fattening, and even stale, cold fries are a lot less disconcertingly spongy and stretchy than this.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Cirtic Acid." Nothing less tasty than a typo.
Worth the price? It'd be worth a lot more than a dollar just to ensure a life in which the words "kandy ketchup" never featured ever again.
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