Old Dominion Butter Toffee Peanuts
Looking for any edge in the crowded snack-nut market, Old Dominion has crafted a regionally appropriate rival to Mr. Peanut: "Mr. B.T.," a bumpy brown lump sporting boots and a tri-cornered hat. He looks like a turd that just got back from Colonial Williamsburg.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: The package list only includes peanuts, sugar, butter, and salt, which might be scary for those who like some preservatives in their snack food, just to be safe.
Worth the price? The nuts look glazed and off-colored, and taste chalky. But the bag is still worth a buck, just so you can point at the package and say, "Check this shit out."
Clam Club
Yes, Clamato is a reasonably popular beverage. No, clam juice in tomato drinks is not a creepy new concept. However, a canned tomato-clam beverage named "Clam Club" is really pushing the limits. Why not just come right out and call it "Frosty Fish Drink"? Does that just not sound cliquish enough?
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Clams." Not "clam juice," mind you, just "clams." The prospect of finding an entire clam bobbing around inside the pop-top can should scare off even the most hardened tomato-drink aficionado.
Worth the price? If you like spicy, thin, slightly sour Italian tomato soup served cold, sure.
Garden Fresh Gourmet Veggie Twists—Grilled Rosemary & Roasted Garlic
Easily the most repellant foodstuff ever crafted by man or machine, these twisty, crispy sticks of dried, compressed vegetable powder have the consistency of packing peanuts, but are nowhere near as yummy. The twists come in three sickly pale colors, but share the same sour, grassy taste.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Rice Bean Oil" isn't scary, but it does sound kind of made-up.
Worth the price? Depends. Do you want to eat a bag of dried salad?
Dippin' Dolphin Pop
With its protective lid in place, Dippin' Dolphin Pop looks like a chubby pastel dolphin wearing a space helmet. Pull the helmet off, and if it's at all warm out, a good chunk of the head underneath will come with it. What's left is a sticky, gluey little critter with a plastic body and a super-sweet lollipop head. Given that kids are expected to suck this thing until it's just a half-dolphin plastic nub, a "Not Dolphin Safe" warning label might be appropriate.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: In lieu of an ingredients label, there's a little tag that says "For Nutrition Facts, please write to Best Sweet at the address above." Now that's scary.
Worth the price? No price, and no corn-syrup sweetness, is worth the risk of walking around looking like you're fellating an entire toy dolphin.
Mickey M's Graham Snack Cookies
Disney Xtreme! Coolers—Shreddin' Strawberry
The staff of Disney's marketing department is apparently working overtime to hip-ify their flagship character, judging by the eye-popping packaging of these two passable snack products. Whoever this "Mickey M" is, he sounds like one awesome dude, even though his cookies don't taste especially graham-y. As for the juice label, it depicts a snowboarding Mickey next to the words "25% Less Sugar"—because there's nothing more "Xtreme!" than cutting your sugar intake.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Thiamine Mononitrate."
Worth the price? If you're running a day care, you're in luck.
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