March 3rd, 2008
1. Andrew W.K., "Ready To Die"
What able-minded young person hasn't thought about drafting a will for the sole purpose of demanding that a particularly funny, appropriately inappropriate song be played at his or her send-off? (Putting the "fun" back in "funeral," as it were.) But the last thing your parents want to hear while gazing at your waxy, lifeless body is party-rock, particularly a song that begins, "This is your time to pay / This is your judgment day!" Still, for the right family, Andrew W.K.'s anthem of preparedness might be just the tonic to soothe a difficult time, sending everyone off packing, and not just ready to die, but ready to kill, too.
2. Ween, "Push Th' Little Daisies"
With its high-pitched, prepubescent vocals, "Push Th' Little Daisies" would make a perfect funeral song for someone who accidentally asphyxiated while inhaling helium. The frantically squeaky chorus—"Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up!"—could certainly drive home the reality of someone's passing and help erase any feelings of denial among the attendees. But the song suggests an unhappy fate for the departed, as Gene and Dean Ween sound less like cherubic angels than like Satan's taunting imps.
3. They Might Be Giants, "Exquisite Dead Guy"
Over the years, They Might Be Giants have crafted songs both lighthearted and depressing, and "Exquisite Dead Guy" sits squarely between those poles. Though it kicks off with cheery, uptempo scat singing and bouncy bass, it ultimately builds to an organ-washed bridge that finds the narrator soberly asking the elegant, deceased titular gentleman, "How'm I supposed to let you know the way I feel about you?" Sure, it reverts back to the bass and scat singing from there, but there are also lines about watching a dead man's mouth move while he rotates in a display case.
4. Jim Carroll, "People Who Died"
Jim Carroll is better known as an author (The Basketball Diaries) than a songwriter, but his one semi-crossover track was his painfully plain ode to "People Who Died." Brutal in its simplicity, "People Who Died" lists Carroll's friends and the ways they shuffled off: leukemia, suicide, murder, drug abuse—pretty much everything you don't want on your mind when burying a loved one.
5. Beck, "One Foot In The Grave"
On the plus side: Death inspires serious reflection about mortality, and having Beck remind funeral-goers that they "been livin' one foot in the grave" could make them re-evaluate how they're spending their precious time on Earth. If they've been sinning, they might want to change, lest Satan come down "dressed like a snake" and call their names, as he does to poor Beck. On the downside, the song could seriously confuse loved ones by suggesting that they're obscenely thrifty vandals: "Don't go throwing no coupons on my grave / Don't go carving no happy face on my tombstone."
6. Notorious B.I.G., "Ready To Die"
"You ready to die? You ready, motherfucker? We gonna kill your ass." If grandma hasn't fainted from grief already, she will after hearing Biggie's deeply sad, deeply angry rhymes about street life—and the end of it. "Fuck the world, fuck my moms and my girl / My life is played out like a Jheri curl, I'm ready to die." And while faux homies from the 'burbs might find your final sentiment hilarious, it might be a little bit disrespectful.
7. Pixies, "Cactus"
Though Black Francis doesn't let loose his usual yowling scream in "Cactus"—a song about a prisoner's wish that his probably deceased girl send him something with her scent on it—there are still plenty of desperate emotions on display. "A letter in your writing doesn't mean you're not dead," the inmate reasons, so he implores her to send a sweaty and/or bloody dress to make prison life more bearable. The song would be inappropriate even at a prison funeral, especially for a convict who died while bloodying his wrists with cactus thorns.
8. Iron Maiden, "Die With Your Boots On"
Though it shouldn't be confused with Toby Keith's equally funeral-unsuitable song of the same name, Iron Maiden's "Die With Your Boots On" suggests the same footwear. To be fair, the Maiden lyric doesn't assume you're dead: "If you're gonna die / Die with your boots on" is sound advice any way it's sliced. The lyric also deals with the Cold War and a prediction from Nostradamus (the most metal of all prophets) that "Through earthquakes and starvation, the warlord will arise." So even if the deceased died the way he lived and was buried with boots on, things aren't looking rosy for those left behind.
9. Blue Oyster Cult, "(Don't Fear) The Reaper"
Guitarist Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser insists that "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" is about eternal love, not a murder-suicide pact—though it's hard to ignore lyrics like "Romeo and Juliet are together in eternity / 40,000 men and women every day redefine happiness," and the instrumental freak-out that ensues after those damning figures. Whatever they mean, they aren't appropriate for a memorial service—even if the song has helped listeners overcome their fear of the Grim Reaper, thanks to its unsubtle use of cowbell and soothing vocals.
10. Elvis Costello "God's Comic"
What could be a better sentiment for a funeral than a mournful ditty about heading to heaven to meet a disappointing, demoralized God? How about one that opens with the line "I wish you'd known me when I was alive," and whose chorus mourns "Now I'm dead, now I'm dead,†now I'm dead,†now I'm dead"? (That might come in handy in case someone forgets why everybody's standing around wearing nice clothes, in a room full of flowers.) While "God's Comic" may offend prissy Aunt Mabel, it could be a comforting, good-natured song for everyone else at the wake. Costello's POV character, a sloppy, drunken comedian who used to do a funny-priest act, dies and wings toward the Pearly Gates, terrified that a judgmental God won't get the joke. Instead, he meets a sighing Lord who drinks generic soda and reads trashy novels, while "wondering if I should have given the world to the monkeys." In spite of Costello's sins, this God isn't invested emotionally enough to boot the deceased off to Hell; instead, he gripes a bit about people and their demands, then buggers off on vacation. Surely an ennui-stricken, human-like God is a safer bet than a wrathful one, at least for†nervous agnostics and half-religious types.
11. Peggy Lee, "Is That All There Is?"
Peggy Lee had a Top 20 hit in 1969 with this Leiber & Stoller-penned novelty song, which argues that drinking and dancing are better than worrying, because all the good and bad moments in life—from fires to circuses to romance—are inevitably a letdown. In the last verse, Lee says that she even expects death to be "that final disappointment." If you do choose "Is That All There Is?" for your funeral, then as you lay in your coffin at the front of the chapel, with rinky-dink organ and Lee's detached croon echoing around your mourners, your spirit can feel satisfied that everyone who ever cared about you is being told that everything about your life and their lives is plainly ridiculous.
12. Cutting Crew, "(I Just) Died In Your Arms"
Granted, this '80s power ballad would be inappropriate to play even if you were alive. But is there anything more delicious than the idea of your friends and relations dabbing away tears as the loudspeaker blares, "Ohhh I, I just die-ied in yo ahhhhms toniiiite!" (Followed by the stinger: "It must have been something you said.") By the second verse, when Nick Van Ede is describing the specifics of his lady's killer lovemaking, your funeral attendees will be muttering to themselves what he's singing: "I should have walked away, I should have walked away…"
13. Eels, "Last Stop: This Town"
The catchiest song about death on an album full of catchy songs about death (Electro-Shock Blues), Eels' "Last Stop: This Town" follows the recently deceased through a brief, final flyover of "the world you left." The song offers healthy reminders to the bereaved that life goes on, but those having a hard time coping might be inspired to join the journey ("Can you take me where you're going if you're never coming back?") since it sounds awfully tempting to float "up over the billboards and the factories and smoke." If others decide to accept that invitation, you'll need to find more funeral songs.
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