1. A Merry, Merry Micklemas
Mickey Rooney comes from the vaudeville school of total entertainment. He can dance. He can sing. He can act. The man probably still knows how to do somersaults. In 1979, he decided that Christmas needed a little more Mickey Rooney in it and essentially self-released A Merry, Merry Micklemas, a holiday collection with standards and Rooney originals performed by Rooney himself. Not enough for you? He even posed on the cover in his underwear to amuse you. Like we said, total entertainment. But the old Mickster isn't perfect. On "Mickey's New Year," he pledges to be a better Mickey Rooney in 1980.
(This and countless other Christmas-music obscurities can be found online at the invaluable A Christmas Yuleblog.)
"Mickey's New Year" by Mickey Rooney
2. Christmas Comes To Pac-Land (1982)
In 1982, Pac-Mania had the world clasped between its toothless, yellow gums. The runaway success of the arcade game Pac-Man led to a merchandising bonanza, and the animation powers-that-be at Hanna-Barbera weren't shy about trying to cash in. Ignoring the fact that Pac-Man's mindless pellet-munching didn't make much sense as a narrative, the cartoon Pac-Man had Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man (here called "Pepper"), their infant, and even their Pac-Dog regularly terrorized by bumbling ghosts, only to turn the table on their tormentors, thanks to the ever-present power-pellets. It was the thinnest excuse for a cartoon already, so why not bring Santa into the equation? Christmas Comes To Pac-Land found Santa stranded in Pac-Land. Yet, somehow, Christmas is saved in the end. Call it a Pac-Miracle.
(Saved, that is, except in this alternate, fan-made version of the special.)
3. Christmas With Shirley And Squirrely (And Melvin Too!) (1976)
This one requires some history: The success of Alvin And The Chipmunks "inspired" a group called The Nutty Squirrels, who in 1959 debuted a scat-singing, jazz-loving variation on the Chipmunks' signature speeded-up vocals. Created by Don Elliott and Alexander "Sascha" Burland (aided on the music end by no less than Cannonball Adderly), the Squirrels beat the 'Munks to television, but faded from popularity. But they enjoyed a brief renaissance in 1976 under the name Shirley And Squirrely, with the CB-themed "Hey Shirley (This Is Squirrely)." Christmas was made for novelty records, and the Christmas album Christmas With Shirley And Squirrely (And Melvin Too!) followed that same year.
"'Twas The Night Before Christmas" by Shirley And Squirrely
4. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
The aired-once-and-never-again Star Wars Holiday Special has enjoyed such a healthy underground revival that it almost doesn't seem right to mention it in this context, but, well, we don't need much of an excuse to kick it around. An unsuccessful hybrid of Star Wars and a '70s variety show, its two punishing hours feature Jefferson Starship, Harvey Korman in drag, a long sequence in the Wookie language, and Diahann Carroll as a sexy hologram who gets an old Wookie's blood pumping. The whole thing centers on Chewbacca's attempts to get home to his family in time for "Life Day," and it's punishing to watch all at once. But it's always fun to revisit the highlights, as in this scene, in which Carrie Fisher appears to be on wonderful, wonderful drugs that have taken her mind to a galaxy far, far away.
5. Christmas With Susie And Allie (1984)
The multi-talented Tammy Faye Messner (née Bakker) had gifts beyond crying on cue, bilking the elderly, and inspiring drag queens—she also created the characters of Susie and Allie, a pious little girl and her talking alligator friend, respectively. On the 1984 Christmas album Christmas With Susie And Allie (still available in the ever-desirable cassette format on the late Tammy Faye's online store), the multi-talented celebvangelist voices both parts.
"Frosty The Snowman" by Susie And Allie
6. The Fat Albert Christmas Special (1977)
One special December night in 1977, fans of Saturday-morning TV favorite Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids gathered around the set to watch their cartoon pals enact a weird combination of A Christmas Carol and the nativity story, in which a pregnant teen gives birth in a junkyard clubhouse, melting the heart of the local Scrooge. The show won an Emmy and is available on DVD, but it rarely makes it into the major cable networks' retro-Christmas rotation, presumably because the programmers there aren't sure how the America of 2007 would react to Mushmouth and Dumb Donald witnessing the virgin birth of Ghetto Jesus.
7. The Hanson Christmas Special
The Oklahoma teen brother act Hanson had the makings of a one-hit wonder when they debuted with the out-of-left-field hit "MMMBop." They've since enjoyed a second life as a hardworking, oft-touring independent act, but in their escape from the spotlight, they left some tacky artifacts behind, like an ABC special tied to the 1997 album Snowed In. In the opening segment, the boys riff on old, lame specials—the ones filmed on glittery sets with Bing Crosby—before offering a cutting-edge alternative. Filmed on a glittery set featuring Hanson.
8. Miracle On 34th Street (1973)
In the years before colorization returned the classic 1947 version of Miracle On 34th Street to television—in hues resembling a crumbling picture postcard—UHF channels across the country programmed the more modern-seeming 1973 made-for-TV version, starring a host of '70s C-listers. Sebastian Cabot as Kris Kringle! Roddy McDowall as the prissy lawyer who has him committed! Future Good Morning America host David Hartman as the lawyer who fights for Santa! Tom Bosley as the sitting judge at the trial! David Doyle as the owner of Macy's! (Wait a minute…is it prudent to have Tom Bosley and the guy who played Charlie's Angels' "Bosley" in the same movie?) Ever since the terrible 1994 Miracle On 34th Street entered the picture, TV stations have shown either that or the original, and the '73 take has fallen off the map. But a generation of '70s kids remembers "their" version just as fondly as the one that started it all. In which case, maybe it's best that no one shows it anymore. It'd be terrible to spoil a good holiday memory.
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