Is it summer already? All those Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian ads seem to say "yes." But the near-absence of excitement generated by this year's forthcoming summer movies suggests otherwise. Sure, we've got Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and Wall-E ahead of us. But as for the rest… Made Of Honor? The Incredible Hulk? Mamma Mia? Read the titles, and you can practically hear the chirping of crickets and the powering-up of Xboxes.
Is this the end of the summer blockbuster? For the purposes of hysterical overstatement, let's just say yes. It was a pretty good run there for a while. We had two and a half good Star Wars movies, a couple of Spider-Mans that didn't feature emo Peter Parker, and so on. But audiences still exhausted by the assault of last year's Transformers-led blockbuster batch will undoubtedly turn their backs on this year's films. The end is nigh, folks. Probably.
Speed Racer (May 9)
Plot: In a nominally live-action (but CGI-centric) update of the 1967 anime series, a speed-crazed boy grows up to be speed-crazed boy-man Emile Hirsch, and sets out to win a race that supposedly claimed the life of his older brother. Meanwhile, the corporate interests that have been fixing such races attempt to stop him via nefarious means.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: So it's come to this: After two disappointing sequels to their groundbreaking movie The Matrix, the Wachowski brothers are following in Peter Jackson's footsteps and squandering their remaining cachet on an unnecessary, over-the-top remake of an old chestnut.
Why it might help save them: The concept is terrible. The plot description is terrible. Judging from the trailers, the acting looks utterly terrible. But dayum if that ain't one incredibly shiny-looking movie. Maybe the visuals will help remind people that summer blockbusters are about brainless gawpery, and if they say "Oooo!" at any point, they forfeit their right to gripe about any other aspect of a movie.
What Happens In Vegas... (May 9)
Plot: Two strangers (Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz) get wasted, make a fortune, and get married during a Vegas fling. Only not in that order, leading to comedy. Seeking to get out of the marriage with the fortune intact, they're sentenced to "six months hard marriage" by Judge Dennis Miller. The result: More comedy.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: We didn't particularly care for this movie when it was called How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
Why it might help save them: Though Kutcher and Diaz are never comedic sure things, the cast is loaded with ringers like Rob Corddry, Zach Galifianakis, Jason Sudeikis, and Dennis Farina.
The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian (May 16)
Plot: In the second of C.S. Lewis' Narnia novels, the four siblings from The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe return to the magical land a year later and find that centuries have passed there and an evil king has usurped the throne.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Cinematography and effects that looked breathtaking seven years ago with The Fellowship Of The Ring have become commonplace and generic, thanks to all the fantasy films Chronicles Of Narnia production company Walden Media has been pumping out lately.
Why it might help save them: There are five more Narnia novels to go. If this one makes money like the first one did, Lewis could keep the blockbuster machine running for the next decade all by himself.
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (May 22)
Plot: Who knows? The first Indiana Jones film in 19 years features Harrison Ford as an older Indy, Cate Blanchett as a Commie, Karen Allen reprising her role from the first film, and Shia LaBeouf as… Indy's son? A Short Round stand-in? A little green alien that only Indy can hear? The people who know aren't talking. Also, there may be some kind of crystal skull involved.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Expectations are extremely high for a film that reunites the kings of the summer blockbuster, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, with a beloved character. If it sucks, it might be discouraging enough to put audiences off blockbusters forever. It's not like all of Indy's adventures have worked out that well, either. Temple Of Doom continues to fail to improve with the passing of time, and the last time Lucas tried to revive a long-dormant, fervently appreciated film franchise, we all know what happened.
Why it might help save them: Spielberg. Ford. Bullwhip action. There's your movie.
Sex And The City (May 30)
Plot: It didn't seem possible for Manhattan's most committed martini-sipping bachelorette, but after innumerable breakups with on-again/off-again boyfriend Mr. Big (Chris Noth), Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) is getting married! What will this mean to her three equally noxious friends?
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Liberated from the prissy teetotalers at HBO, this sassy quartet can now do whatever they wa… Wait, how is this different from TV? Oh yeah, it dilutes all the naughty irreverence people love about the show in the acid bath of a generic Julia Roberts romantic comedy.
Why it might help save them: If the film's a success, it could open the door for other lucrative HBO properties to find their way to the big screen. John From Cincinnati: The Movie, anyone?
The Strangers (May 30)
Plot: Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman star as a couple heading to an isolated vacation home for a romantic getaway, but they have to fight for their lives when three masked assailants terrorize them.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Though similarities between the two are officially coincidental, The Strangers sounds an awful lot like a remake of a nasty French horror film from two years ago called Them. And since remakes are currently killing the horror genre, it only follows that they'll hasten the blockbuster's demise, too.
Why it might help save them: Just the trailer for this movie makes us want to curl into fetal balls. If that level of hard-R intensity can be sustained over 90 minutes, there will be puddles of urine collecting at the bottom of every theater house in America.
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