You Don't Mess With The Zohan (June 6)
Plot: In the latest from Beverly Hills Ninja auteur Dennis Dugan, Adam Sandler busts out another silly voice as a deadly Mossad agent who fakes his own death and moves to New York to realize his dream of becoming a hairstylist. But Sandler's past catches up with him when he once again feels obligated to give Saturday Night Live buddy Rob Schneider a supporting role. Oh, and he's also pursued by deadly terrorists.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: This is essentially the big-budget, high-concept equivalent of the annoying guy in the cubicle down the hall who does an endless, sadistic Borat impersonation during every office party. Besides, didn't I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry exhaust Sandler fans' appetite for gay-panic jokes? Even 12-year-olds will eventually tire of seeing Sandler play characters who seem gay but totally aren't.
Why it might help save them: Zohan was co-written by bona fide comical geniuses Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow. That's gotta help offset the Dugan/Sandler/Schneider factor, right? What's that? Chuck And Larry was co-written by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, and that didn't make a lick of difference? Never mind.
Kung Fu Panda (June 6)
Plot: A lazy slacker obsessed with kung fu has to become a kung-fu master in order to fulfill a prophecy and defeat evil. In other words, The Forbidden Kingdom, except all the characters are CGI furries.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Is there no acceptable form for animated kiddie fare these days other than "ensemble of wacky animals with celebrity voices"? (Panda production company DreamWorks is also churning out Madagascar 2 later this year.)
Why it might help save them: People like pandas, and there aren't many of them left. People like Kung Fu Panda star Jack Black, and there's only one of him. Maybe the relative paucity of Jack-Black-voiced pandas will help even out the glut of critter comedies.
The Happening (June 13)
Plot: An environmental catastrophe creeps up unexpectedly, turning the country upside down and leaving mixed-up science teacher Mark Wahlberg in charge of leading his ex-wife and kids to safety. Then, because this film is written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, it turns out that they're all aliens, or superheroes, or dead, or something equally mind-blowing.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Shyamalan masterminded the left-field summer smash The Sixth Sense back in 1999, and has spent the decade since making audiences feel bitter about the time and money they've wasted on his movies.
Why it might help save them: Though Shyamalan's screenwriting skills remain pretty suspect, there are few better visual stylists working in big-budget movies today. When he's on his game, Shyamalan can make blockbuster movies feel exciting and inspiring again.
The Incredible Hulk (June 13)
Plot: Bruce Banner, now looking a lot less like Eric Bana and a lot more like Edward Norton, confronts two problems: Figuring out how to avoid turning into a giant monster when angered, and making moviegoers forget about the 2003 Ang Lee movie Hulk. (An underappreciated film in our book, but we're in the minority there.)
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Until footage wowed attendees at this year's New York Comic-Con, the buzz could hardly be more toxic. Most of the bad vibes came from Norton/Marvel editing-room wrangling over the final cut, which has since been resolved. Probably. Also, is it just us, or does the Hulk look a lot more like a tint-adjusted pro wrestler than a spectacular creature this time out?
Why it might help save them: Director Louis Leterrier (The Transporter) promised a stronger, faster, actionier Hulk movie. If he succeeds, it could be a lot of fun. Also, Tim Roth plays a villain called The Abomination.
Get Smart (June 20)
Plot: Steve Carell revives the character of bumbling super-spy Maxwell Smart in a comic romp that seems to play up the slapstick and disregard the original series' parody of Cold War politics.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Boy, a big-screen version of a corny old TV show… Now, that's something you don't see every day! (Note: Comment made from underneath CONTROL's "cone of sarcasm.")
Why it might help save them: Within weeks of the movie's release, video stores will be selling a spin-off DVD called Get Smart's Bruce And Lloyd Out Of Control—a clever bit of ancillary marketing that could change the way blockbusters are sold and consumed.
The Love Guru (June 20)
Plot: In his latest affront to the gods of comedy, Mike Myers plays an American-born, Indian-raised guru who uses his spiritual gifts to broker a reconciliation between a professional hockey player (Romany Malco) and his wife. A discouraging sign: We're already sick of this character, and the film hasn't even screened yet.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Judging by the previews, Myers has bucked the odds and created a new character more obnoxious than Austin Powers and his Cat In The Hat combined. Elements of the Hindu community have preemptively attacked the film as offensive.
Why it might help save them: Cat In The Hat aside, Myers remains inexplicably popular with filmgoers who apparently enjoy having the same lazy shtick shoved down their collective throat over and over. A good rule of thumb for late-period Myers projects: The more contempt he shows his fan base, the bigger the box-office gross. By that standard, this should be huge.
WALL-E (June 27)
Plot: Finding Nemo helmer Andrew Stanton and his Pixar team largely leave dialogue behind to tell the story of a plucky robot's comic and romantic adventures on a post-apocalyptic Earth (and in the ring of human-piloted spacecraft surrounding it).
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Judging by the previews and Pixar's past track record, WALL-E promises to be a charming, funny, inventive, sweet new animated classic. If a movie like that fails to find an audience, then what's the goddamn point?Why it might help save them: How could a charming, funny, inventive, sweet new animated classic fail to find an audience?
Wanted (June 27)
Plot: In what looks to be a loose adaptation of Mark Millar and J.G. Jones' clever, nasty graphic novel, James McAvoy plays a loser who inherits his dad's super-assassin powers. Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman co-star as members of a secret assassins' guild.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Director Timur Bekmambetov has developed a cult following for his hallucinatory horror films Night Watch and Day Watch, but neither is known for coherence. A swirl of gunfire and cool effects shots does not a summer blockbuster make.
Why it might help save them: Swirls of gunfire plus cool effects shots plus a story worth telling could a summer blockbuster make.
Tomorrow: Our preview continues with July and August in summer blockbusters, featuring the, er, eagerly anticipated sequels to Hellboy, The X-Files, Star Wars, The Mummy, and, um, The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants.
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