February 13th, 2008
It really doesn't pay to spend much time rationalizing why you shower your darling with sweets on Valentine's Day. Sure, you care, and yes, sometimes it's nice to indulge, but it would be dishonest to ignore the subtext: your hope that the post-goodie sugar high will disorient your loved one long enough for him or her to overlook your faults and have sex with you. Even if your syrupy bribe works, it doesn't mean the edible fun has to end. The A.V. Club recently discovered a bizarro pseudo-culinary market at the corner of "carnal" and "confection."
Clone-A-Willy and Clone-A-Pussy chocolate molding kits ($24.95)
Are candy hearts with the words "Be Mine" stamped on them too ambiguous? Show that fuckable someone you mean business with a chocolate replica of your genitals. Easy-to-follow, four-step directions will have you serving notice of your intentions as fast as you can say "molding tube." Those with allergies best be careful—the website warns that the chocolate may contain traces of nuts.
Source: cloneawilly.com
Fizz Lubricant ($8.99)
Fizz is a soda-flavored lubricant that not only "fizzes and tingles," but also comes in six different flavors, packaged in soda-bottle-shaped containers. At first blush, it's attractive in a "soda's always pretty good, so why not?" kind of way, but then again, some things should never, ever taste like root beer.
Source: edenfantasys.com
Edible Bra ($3.50)
With no description beyond the product name, the Edible Bra suggests many questions: Does one size fit all? What's it made of? Does anyone truly desire to consume their significant other's undergarments? Nonetheless, if you're looking for one of these units in the first place, those answers probably don't matter. Available in cherry and strawberry-champagne.
Source: cybernooky.com
Wicked Wax edible massage oil candle ($12.98)
Remember the last time you were giving someone a massage, you ran out of massage oil, and you wound up gazing longingly at the candle next to the bed, wishing you could drip the wax on said massagee's back and then eat it off? Well, now you can. This multi-purpose product promises to bridge the annoying gaps between wax, oil, and deliciousness.
Source: sextoyparty.com
Love Potion No. 9 ($10.25)
Supposedly a few sneaky drops of this elixir in your partner's drink will get his or her "fires of passion aroused," and instill "sustained endurance and stimulation for romantic encounters." The fine print warns that Love Potion's primary ingredient, kava kava root, has the potential to cause severe liver problems. But who among us hasn't endangered that vital organ in the name of sex?
Source: theherbalist.com
Sex Spice ($8.99)
Sex Spice arrives in a plastic spice shaker that would be right at home on the rack next to the sesame seeds. Suggested uses include sprinkling some on your body, lover, or sheets. Also excellent for Julia Child or Paul Prudhomme role-playing.
Source: fascinations.net
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