Movies have never been more expensive to make or to see, and sometimes, as with much of this year's underwhelming crop of blockbusters, they take a toll on viewers. Would it be a better idea to skip the films and just play with their accompanying toys? The A.V. Club investigated:
The film: Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End. In a third go-around, Johnny Depp and others pretend to be pirates while battling CGI monsters and each other.
The toy: Mega Bloks' Jack Sparrow play-set. This Lego-ish set features Johnny Depp's loveable pirate character standing on a pier.
Advantage, film: Fans who enjoyed/tolerated the first two entries in Disney's theme-park-attraction-turned-action-movie franchise can see how it all ends. Also, the film won't get lost between couch cushions.
Advantage, toy: The toy captures the core appeal of the Caribbean films—Hey! It's Johnny Depp, and he's dressed up like a pirate!—without making viewers submit to three hours of headache-inducing CGI clap-trappery.
Toy may also be used to re-enact: Michael Moore's Sicko. Accursed with gout and scurvy, tiny Jack Sparrow can sail your living room's seven seas in search of a more sensible approach to health care.
The film: Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix. In this fifth installment of the book/film series about the boy wizard, the evil, pink-clad Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry, while the evil Voldemort gets further into Harry's head.
The toy: Lego's Order Of The Phoenix Hogwarts set. This suspiciously generic castle comes packaged with film-specific Lego characters, including Hagrid, Dumbledore, Hermione, Ron, Draco Malfoy, Umbridge, and a Death Eater, plus two of the horse-ish monster thestrals, and of course, a little Harry Potter.
Advantage, film: Imelda Staunton as Umbridge makes a far more intimidating yet infuriatingly sickly-sweet villain than this set's little pink plastic nubbin, with its pop-off hair and vaguely puzzled frown. Also, most of the film's most exciting scenes take place away from Hogwarts, which means kids with this set are relegated to playing "Harry Potter and friends sit around school, waiting for something to happen."
Advantage, toy: As the series steadily gets grimmer and the body count rises, increasingly traumatized kids may be lured out of their shell-shock with a rousing game of "Harry Potter and friends sit around school, huddled together for comfort and all still alive, see, honey? They're fine? Honey?"
Toy may also be used to re-enact: Various Harry Potter slashfic fantasies, particularly those that cross over into the Lego Star Wars universe. The Lego folks have even helpfully released a line of keyfobs that feature these figures dangling from little chains.
The film: Spider-Man 3. Everyone's favorite wall-crawler takes a dark turn when simultaneous attacks by Sandman, New Goblin, and an alien symbiote leave Peter Parker questioning his commitment to heroism.
The toy: Hasbro's Punch Attack Sandman action figure. Detachable oversized fists let this tiny doll replicate the shape-shifting powers and super-sock of a devilishly elusive bad guy.
Advantage, film: Spider-Man 3's kinetic action sequences and puckish comic interludes have a fluidity that no stiff plastic toy can duplicate.
Advantage, toy: The film's Sandman storyline is really the only one worth following. Forget about torturous relationship troubles and the umpteenth restatement of the "with great power comes great responsibility" theme. With this toy, it's all about the punching.
Toy may also be used to re-enact: Scrape the paint off the legs, arms, and torso, replace one of the mammoth sand-fists with a piece of stemware, and you can re-enact several Oscar-nominated scenes from Sideways.
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