The film: Shrek The Third. The big green ogre returns and is forced to own up to his responsibilities as a father and a leader, when he'd rather be eating, drinking, and farting.
The toy: MGA's Shrek 3-D Memory Match-Up Game. Twenty miniature figures from the Shrek cast sit beneath 20 plastic cups, as kids try to find the hidden pairs, Concentration-style.
Advantage, film: No expense was spared in making every ripple of Shrek's butt-cheeks look spookily realistic.
Advantage, toy: With constant drilling, children might someday be able to distinguish one archly postmodern Shrek character from another.
Toy may also be used to re-enact: A typical Shrek pitch meeting. "So Shrek is walking through the kingdom, and he meets…" [Lift cup.] "…Donkey!"
The film: Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer. The world's greatest superhero family faces its greatest challenge when the sky-riding herald of planet-eater Galactus comes to Earth to prepare everyone for imminent extinction.
The toy: Toy Biz's Fantasticar with Super-Stretch Mr. Fantastic figure. Just like the real Fantasticar, this toy version snaps apart into separate mini-vehicles for each member of the clan. And just like with the real Fantastic Four, only Mr. Fantastic really thinks this is cool.
Advantage, film: At a brisk 89 minutes, Rise Of The Silver Surfer is over and done much quicker than the time it takes to think of something fun to do with a play-set that only includes one action figure.
Advantage, toy: Imagine the long, science-y soliloquies that Mr. Fantastic can deliver without suffering the interruptions of his nagging wife, smug brother-in-law, and grumpy best friend.
Toy may also be used to re-enact: You could always disassemble the car and try to make a robot out of the pieces, à la Transformers.
The film: The Simpsons Movie, the long-awaited big-screen version of the long-running TV hit.
The toy: The Simpsons Movie Action Figure Set, featuring an "Itchy & Scratchy" scene, Homer caught in a compromising position with a pig, and the Simpsons in separate movie-theater sets, noticeably not paying much attention to the theoretical film. Then again, they're probably just waiting for it to start… like everyone else who's wondering why it took perilously close to 20 years to bring The Simpsons to the screen.
Advantage, film: It's extremely likely to be bigger, more dynamic, and contain more than three scenes total.
Advantage, toy: The soundtrack on the movie will probably work even if the pegs in its stupid little plastic feet aren't precisely notched into the corresponding stupid little playset ports. Dammit.
Toy may also be used to re-enact: A Simpsons-themed version of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Just line the Simpsons' little movie seats up in front of your TV so they're in silhouette, turn off the lights, and provide your own voices. Hint: That really dumb plot development would probably make Homer say either "D'oh!" or "Stupid TV! Be more funny!"
The film: Transformers, Michael Bay's mega-blockbuster about giant shape-shifting robots from outer space making things go kablooie.
The toy: The Transformers Monopoly Game
Advantage, film: According to the Amazon product description, Transformers Monopoly "is the first and only game that allows you to buy, sell and trade the planets, bases, locations and transports in the race for Energon Cubes and Anti-Matter." So suck it, Risk!
Advantage, toy: Who needs giant robots battling over the fate of humanity when you can experience the giddy, mind-warping visceral thrill of collecting rent and buying and trading property?
Toy may also be used to re-enact: Worlds and summer blockbusters collide when you combine Transformers Monopoly with Simpsons Monopoly to create a crossover master-game that all but ensures that you'll never get laid or move out of your parents' basement.
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