Best CD For Scaring The Shit Out Of Children: Holly Dolly, Pretty Donkey Girl
Children often take to such homely creatures as manatees, but they may look sideways—through their tears—at this year's European crossover cartoon success, Holly Dolly, who resembles a bad splice between Bette Midler and Miss Piggy. Though a press release recommends Holly for both "playdates and dance floors," it's often unclear how child-friendly she really is—the video for the single "Dolly Song" features prolonged close-ups of her jiggling, human-style breasts. On Pretty Donkey Girl, Dolly's chance meeting with "four guardian angels" launches a musical tale of her search for pop stardom, and many songs suggest what kids who follow can expect. "Dolly's Song" looks forward to the thudding club beats that future pop-star kiddies will get felt up to; the crowd noises and ominous thud of the closer "My Name Is Holly" make it sound like a junior take on The Wall.
Runner-up: Soundtrack, The Hunchback Of Notre Dame
Even parents hooked on Disney's animated films shunned the soundtrack to this 1996 movie—namely the song "Hellfire," which is as garish and vivid as the title implies.
Best Trailer Song To Use For A Movie About Ordinary People Whose Lives Are About To Get Interesting: "I Feel Good," James Brown
If your movie is a comedy about people's lives turned upside down by a wacky character (particularly one played by Robin Williams), outlandish plot twist, or series of misadventures that end with everyone learning to loosen up and enjoy life, you should already have James Brown's "I Feel Good" cued up for the 0:15 mark in your trailer. As The Simpsons so memorably portrayed, nothing signals a total monkey wrench in an otherwise mundane life like Brown's stirring "Owwww!" As a bonus, the song's bump-and-grind R&B makes a perfect soundtrack for people getting hit in the face or letting their inhibitions go with an impromptu dance.
Runner-up: "Born To Be Wild," Steppenwolf
Of course, if your movie features people embarking on a road trip, getting a "cool" makeover, or doing something dangerous—especially if they're repressed and white—you'll need "Born To Be Wild." (Seriously, can anyone enjoy this song non-ironically anymore?)
Best Actor Capable Of Making Even The Most Wretched Movie Tolerable, If Only Briefly: Christopher Walken
Walken is the perfect example of an actor who doesn't even have to try any more. Like Jack Nicholson, he's no longer expected to lose himself in the character he's playing; he's meant to simply show up and be Christopher Walken. Which hasn't been lost on him. For the last decade, he's made a living doing favors for some of the worst films imaginable—Joe Dirt, Kangaroo Jack, Gigli, The Rundown—yet no matter how awful the movie, whenever he's onscreen, the "Hey, it's Christopher Walken!" part of the brain takes over, and for a few minutes, everything is fine. If only you could hire him to, say, put in a few words at your mother's funeral.
Runner-up: Paul Reubens
The otherwise-terrible original film version of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and the mess Blow both belong to Paul Reubens, and a recent sublime cameo on 30 Rock proves that he's still got it. Thank God for the upcoming Pee-Wee movie; he deserves a comeback more than anyone.
Best Skeleton In The Closet Of A Famous Rapper: Ice-T handling "Rap Direction" for Mr. T
Around the same time he released "Killers," original gangster Ice T picked up a little extra cash (and dropped off a little street cred) by ghostwriting raps for Mr. T on his Be Somebody… Or Be Somebody's Fool! video and the subsequent album Mr. T's Commandments. Had Ice T's friends known that he was turning in verses for a song called "Treat Your Mother Right" (sample line: "M is for the moan and the miserable groan / From the pain that she felt when I was born"), they probably would have made sure he could never Crip-walk again.
Runner-up (three-way tie): Tupac Shakur in Digital Underground; Jay-Z in "Hawaiian Sophie"; Notorious B.I.G.'s "Pepsi Freestyle"
Ice T isn't the only one who sold a little soul just to make it: Tupac Shakur backed up Humpty Hump in Digital Underground before all eyes were on him. Jay-Z probably wishes this YouTube video of him playing a lei-bedecked hype-man to mentor Jaz in "Hawaiian Sophie" didn't exist. And even when you're a star, that urge to pick up a little scratch lives on, as evidenced by Notorious B.I.G.'s unreleased commercial, "Pepsi Freestyle." (Sample line: "If you can't quench my thirst / What you in my fridge for? / What you wanna live for?")
Pepsi Commercial Freestyle by The Notorious B.I.G.
Best Film Score By A Cheesy Synth-Pop Act: To Live And Die In L.A., Wang Chung
Wang Chung's score for William Friedkin's left-coast French Connection update To Live And Die In L.A. is easily the most dated part of the 1985 film; it's so '80s, it should come with a pair of leg-warmers. But in this case, at least, "dated" isn't a bad thing; Wang Chung's seductive, atmospheric pop songs perfectly convey the sleazy streets of mid-'80s L.A., with overly glossy production and drum machines doubling for plastic-perfect models and gunfire. In the liner notes to the soundtrack album, Friedkin even compares Wang Chung to Stravinsky and Strauss—a bit of a stretch, though "City Of The Angels" embodies its time at least as well as "The Blue Danube" recalls the 1860s.
Runner-up: Risky Business, Tangerine Dream
Never before or since has arty, overly serious electronic music been so damn sexy.
Best Bill Murray's Brother: Brian Doyle-Murray
The other acting Murrays must always live in the shadow of middle child Bill, but they don't come more underrated than Bill's eldest brother, Brian. Like Bill, Brian was a veteran of Saturday Night Live and National Lampoon. He turned in memorable cameos in Bill Murray movies like Caddyshack and Groundhog Day, and his instantly recognizable raspy voice has popped up in everything from Mr. Show to Wayne's World to Family Guy. Hell, he even played Jack Ruby in JFK. Let's see Bill pull that off.
Runner-up (tie): Joel and John Murray
In terms of sheer quantity, the upper hand goes to Joel, who's landed more than 30 film and television parts, but will probably be forever remembered as "George Calamari" from One Crazy Summer. Still, it's hard to top John Murray's turn in the underrated Moving Violations, where the youngest Murray bravely took on one of the many thousands of scripts written with Bill in mind, and turned in the all-time best approximation of his brother's smart-assed charms. With little else to his credit (save a bit part as—what else?—Bill's brother in Scrooged), John recently announced a return to the screen in Juliana And The Medicine Fish. (Unfortunately, it's a Rob Schneider family film, but still.)
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