JULY 4
Transformers
What it's about: In the first live-action theatrical version of a story that started in the '80s when Hasbro wanted to sell a bunch of robot toys, two groups of sentient, transforming robots make Earth their latest battleground.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: $150 million still buys some pretty impressive action sequences, doesn't it? Michael Bay still knows how to make things explode real good, doesn't he?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Unlike all the theaters showing this, your TV room won't feature any loud, nerdy post-film discussions of what that fucko Michael Bay did to Megatron, and how totally lamez0r Bumblebee looked. Unless you normally talk to yourself.
Possible special feature: A series of drooling making-of-the-special-effects mini-docs that take up twice as much time as the actual film.
License To Wed
What it's about: Before getting married, young couple John Krasinski and Mandy Moore must satisfy a series of ridiculous tests devised by zany minister Robin Williams.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: License To Wed looks like a date movie with something for everyone, assuming Williams' character dies an excruciating, painful, extended death in the first five minutes and is never heard from again.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Is it even possible to make it through a Williams movie without access to a mute button?
Possible special feature: Copious footage of Krasinski engaging in his trademark subtly horrified reaction shots as Williams "improvises" in the character of an old-school B-boy and a swishy hairdresser.
1408
What it's about: The year is 1408, and Hungary's King Sigismund has just formed the Order Of The Dragon. In China, the mammoth Yongle Encyclopedia project draws to a close… Oh wait, never mind. This one's a Stephen King adaptation about a debunker-of-the-supernatural who checks into a haunted room in a hotel run by Samuel L. Jackson.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Umm…
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Umm…
Possible special feature: On the commentary track, Cusack and Jackson share a laugh as they explain how their last few years' worth of films (except for Black Snake Moan and The Ice Harvest) were all an elaborate practical joke, then vow to do better work from now on.
JULY 13
Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
What it's about: We're not sure. An Internet search on this "Harry Potter" character yields very little information. Is he an alien or something? We're a little stumped.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Again, we're not sure. The trailer makes this look like some sort of Dragonheart sequel, but there's no sign of Sean Connery.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: You might have no other choice. There's a good chance that this obscure indie could come and go from theaters in a flash, if it plays in your city at all.
Possible special feature: We did discover that it's based on a book by someone named J.K. Rowling. Maybe he could provide an audio commentary or something.
JULY 20
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
What it's about: Adam Sandler and Kevin James star as a pair of straight, single Brooklyn firefighters who decide to get married in order to receive domestic-partnership benefits.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Because laughing heartily in public at a movie about two characters who people think are gay but really aren't may be your best opportunity to prove you're also not gay, thus deflecting popular perception.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Because it'll take at least another five or six months for all the hilarious gay-panic jokes in Wild Hogs and Blades Of Glory to seem fresh again.
Possible special feature: A paper bag to put over your head that will allow you to carry around the DVD without people spotting you and getting the wrong idea.
Hairspray
What it's about: John Waters' charming movie musical about race relations and teen dance shows in '60s Baltimore made the transition to the Broadway stage, and now returns to the screen again. It's a copy of a copy! So expect the resolution to be, well, not-so-sharp.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: Musicals are made to be seen with a big audience, thrilling to every sing-along. Even if we're all singing along with John Travolta in a fat-suit.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: There's a 50/50 chance you'll come home with the Waters version instead.
Possible special feature: Footage of Travolta eating cheeseburgers and drinking milkshakes to bulk up for his role as a chubby dancer's mom. Includes Travolta saying, "Bulk up for what now?"
JULY 27
The Simpsons Movie
What it's about: A popular television family of yellow, four-fingered misfits makes the jump to the big screen in this long-awaited film adaptation of Matt Groening's beloved small-screen fixture. Early reports indicate bumbling patriarch "Homer" may engage in shenanigans of some sort.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: You've patiently waited 19 years for a Simpsons movie. The least you can do is see it on the big screen. What could be more mind-blowing than a 15-foot-high Ralph Wiggum?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: Multi-tasking Simpsons geeks will treasure the opportunity to get online and viciously pan the film while watching the DVD on their laptops. Besides, watching The Simpsons at home is a beloved tradition for millions. Why mess with success?
Possible special feature: Outtakes of the failed live-action version of The Simpsons, which was shut down after five stuntman Homers were horrifically injured on the first day of shooting.
No Reservations
What it's about: Aaron Eckhart and Catherine Zeta-Jones play contentious chefs trying to work together in this remake of the heartwarming German comedy Mostly Martha.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: If you're a chick, you've got a ready-made "Girl's Night Out" activity. If you're a dude, you'll know where the chicks can be found.
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: If you get hungry, you can pause the movie and go braise a veal shank.
Possible special feature: Zeta-Jones' recipe… for love.
I Know Who Killed Me
What it's about: Okay, try to keep up: Lindsay Lohan plays a young woman who gets kidnapped and tortured. But when she shows up again, she claims to be someone else.
Why it might be worth seeing in theaters: It's been a long time since co-star Julia Ormond was in anything this high-profile. Wait? Is that a reason?
Why you're probably better off waiting for the DVD: If it isn't good, it could be the kind of infinitely mockable failed thriller that plays much better at home.
Possible special feature: The famously grammatically challenged Lohan provides a text commentary from her Blackberry.
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