December 5th, 2007
Crap. It's the holiday shopping season again, and you don't want to go the gift certificate route one more time. Also, you've got a friend whose house smells like urine, and another who's constantly complaining about her inability to find adhesive bandages that look like foodstuffs. Hey, we know how it goes. And, as usual, we have you covered as you search for the extremely particular gift for that extremely particular someone.
For Air-Guitar Aficionados Who Want to Take Their Fake-Playing to the Next Level
Rock Band ($170)
When Guitar Hero successfully recreated the thrills of rock 'n' roll guitar-slinging for regular joes, it was only a matter of time before game designers tapped into the whole band experience. Enter Rock Band, which gives players the options of guitar, bass, drums, and singing. (One guitar controller, USB mic, and electronic drum kit are included.) Each instrument can be played solo or with the others, locally or online. Rock Band caters to all skill levels, though drumming is undoubtedly the most difficult, as it requires some coordination between the kick-drum pedal and drum pads. Like Guitar Hero, it's incredibly addictive and fun, especially when four people play at the same time. Unlike Guitar Hero, it mostly uses actual master tracks for the music, not sound-alike studio musicians. The library that comes with the game includes more than 45 songs (a grab-bag of classic rock and newer stuff, from "Highway Star" by Deep Purple to "Maps" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs). There's also a large online store offering more, including full-album downloads of stuff like The Who's Who's Next. Rock Band makes Guitar Hero feel anticlimactic, but be forewarned: It will take over your life.
For That Metalhead Who Gets Off On Packaging
Various artists, Rhino's Heavy Metal box set ($65)
Rhino continues its assault on the packaging-nerd demographic with its new four-disc heavy-metal collection. As might be expected, the tracks vary from essential ("Ace Of Spades" by Motörhead) to highly questionable ("Still Of The Night" by Whitesnake), but everyone can agree that the packaging is pretty kick-ass: The box is shaped like a Marshall amplifier head, complete with a volume knob that goes to 11. (Spinal Tap's "Big Bottom" appears on disc three.) The box also includes a big photo booklet—and with all the pics of '80s metal bands, hilarity is bound to ensue.
For the Magazine Hoarder Who Should Really Clear Out The Basement Right Now
Rolling Stone Cover To Cover: The First 40 Years ($125) and Playboy Cover To Cover: The '50s ($100)
Of course your friend the Back-Issue King and/or Queen is never going to read them all. That's not really the point. It's access—you never know when you'll want to re-read that profile of the now-dead cartoonist, or revisit that very special centerfold. But now you can do it all while risking contact with a fraction of the dust mites. Presenting good-quality scans of each page of every issue of these iconic magazines, along with solid indexing, just like the recently reissued complete runs of The New Yorker and Mad, these are as perfect for amateur historians as they are for geeky pack-rats. The Playboy set is a bit stingy—only one decade's worth, from back when the magazine usually ran to less than 50 pages an issue—but it's a fun nostalgia trip nonetheless. The Rolling Stone set is far heftier, particularly for music lovers; even the mag's increasing overreliance on Boomer icons as it goes on has some documentary value, and the '70s issues still contain some punch, thanks to rock-crit icons like Greil Marcus and Dave Marsh.
For The Wu-Tang Clan
The Ghostface Killah Doll ($500)
With beefs rising over unpaid tour dividends and scheduling conflicts between the Clan's upcoming 8 Diagrams and Ghostface's Big Doe Rehab, internal tensions in The Wu are at an all-time high, meaning it's becoming less and less likely that Ghostface will rejoin his bandmates for a tour if and when it finally gets off the ground. Luckily, the group can make up for the lack of arguably its finest MC by substituting this limited-edition doll, which can spew Ghostface-isms such as "Remember when I long-dicked you and broke your ovary?" and "Yo bitch, I fucked your friend / Yeah, ya stank ho" at the touch of a button, and all without airing dirty laundry to the press. Besides, at $500—a hefty price tag that includes diamond and 14-karat gold accessories, an exclusive mix CD by DJ Rhettmatic, and packaging that has "remnants of fine Louis XIII cognac"—who else is going to buy this thing?
For The Twin Peaks Fan Who Refuses To Shell Out For Another DVD Set, Pilot Episode And Cool Extras Be Damned
Twin Peaks—The Definitive Gold Box Edition ($99)
One of the strangest, most engrossing, and ultimately most frustrating TV shows ever, Twin Peaks has been trying for fans on DVD. The legendary, David Lynch-directed pilot episode—released as a stand-alone feature film in Europe and considered one of Lynch's finest achievements—wasn't even included in the original first-season DVD set (now out of print), automatically rendering it less-than-essential. Then it took until earlier this year for the much-maligned (but actually pretty good) second season to come out on DVD. Fans who shelled out for those sets might feel ripped off by The Definitive Gold Box Edition, but they should love it as a gift: It includes both seasons, the prodigal pilot, and some illuminating extras, including a feature-length documentary that candidly dissects the show's quick rise, listless fall, and almost-resurrection.
For Miley Cyrus Fans And Others Already Accustomed To Crushing Disappointment
Disney's Hannah Montana Beginner-Level Handheld Electronic Game ($12)
Shut out in your attempts to get tickets to the sold-out-in-seconds Hannah Montana tour? Consider the pale compensation of this state-of-the-art (circa 1986) LCD videogame, which allows children 5 and up to manipulate a tiny limited-animation cartoon Hannah as she practices her dance moves, tries on outfits, or ducks behind a bush to escape hordes of screaming fans. Or, for the boys, the HMHHG lets players drive a limousine through traffic, or take on the role of Hannah's brother and pass out flyers on a bicycle. Sadly, there's no game where little LCD parents frantically place futile calls to Ticketmaster before begrudgingly logging on to StubHub and laying out a few hundred dollars to appease their sobbing tweens.
For People Who Yearn To Banish The Smell Of Urine From Their Homes
Urine Gone! Stain & Odor Eliminator With Enzyme Action! ($20)
There's something to be said for bluntness in product-naming, and it's hard to get much more direct than the name of this deodorizing spray, designed to erase the pungent stench of what the box calls "pet or people accidents." The box also features photos of an incongruously arrogant-looking dog and cat, but surprisingly, no picture of a knock-kneed 3-year-old standing over a puddle on the carpet, saying, "I wet my pants a little bit, but not too bad." (By the way, Urine Gone! is also sold in a kit with a black light, for getting a closer look at where those stains actually are. But be warned: There may not be enough spray bottles in the world to eliminate the horrors that the light will reveal.)
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