February 11th, 2008
1. Never Been Kissed (1998)
Michael Vartan is a dreamy high-school English teacher inexplicably drawn to Drew Barrymore, an innocent, bright young student in one of his classes. Under any other circumstances, it's Lolita-lite—or at least Don't Stand So Close To Me: The Movie. But Barrymore isn't actually a high-school student, she's a 25-year-old undercover newspaper reporter posing as a high-school student—so, no harm, no foul on the whole being-sexually-attracted-to-your-underage-students thing, right? Right. Barrymore's article comes out, the entire city of Chicago reads it in a montage, and Vartan meets her on a baseball field in order to give 25-year-old Barrymore her "first real kiss," a phrase that can only translate to "with tongue." Let's hear it for sexually stunted adults who find true love with authority figures who have definite pervert tendencies!
2. Serendipity (2001)
If most modern, conventional romantic comedies are torture, Serendipity is the rack. Two of the blandest people in the world (John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale) meet at a department store, reaching for the same bland gift: a pair of black cashmere gloves. They spend a thoroughly bland afternoon together in New York City, during which time they fall head-over-heels into the pools of blandness reflected in each other's eyes. But rather than exchanging names and phone numbers, Beckinsale—whose crippling search for "signs," Cusack inexplicably sees as charm rather than insanity—decides they should write their respective contact info on a $5 bill and an old book, and leave their next meeting up to fate, as represented by used-book sellers and the rotation of U.S. currency. Naturally, the two spend the next five or so years pining for each other. In short, it's an entire movie that could have been avoided if Cusack had merely given the correct response to Beckinsale's let's-leave-it-up-to-fate plan: "Uh, never mind."
Of course, a movie this sappy has to have some rabid fans, including some who make homemade music videos to the accompaniment of Nickelback:
3. Mannequin (1987)
A department-store window-dresser (Andrew McCarthy) falls in love with a mannequin: It's a tale as old as time, right? The twist here is that the mannequin (Kim Cattrall) is actually an ancient Egyptian princess who was transformed into a mannequin thousands of years ago, and the only way the curse can be broken is through true love (or a wood-chipper, whichever comes first). Still, even though she's thousands of years old and a mannequin, Cattrall does have a knack for designing stunning department-store windows—a talent that she uses to fuel the flames of man/ancient-Egyptian-princess-frozen-inside-a-lifeless-doll passion between herself and McCarthy. (The soundtrack by Starship also helps.) Romance with an inanimate object has never seemed so possible.
4. The Night We Never Met (1993)
The unhappily married Annabella Sciorra is in love with one of the men she shares her apartment with. The problem is, she doesn't know the men she shares her apartment with, because it's a blind time-share! Also, one of the men (Matthew Broderick) is sweet, clean, and smart, while the other is a piggish, unkempt jerk (Kevin Andersen). How will she be able to tell which one she wants to have an affair with? The only lesson to be gleaned from this labored comedy is that love and time-share apartments usually don't mix well.
5. 50 First Dates (2004)
Sometimes, goofy ideas for movies turn out less goofy than intended. 50 First Dates stars Adam Sandler as a marine biologist who falls in love with Drew Barrymore, a woman whose short-term memory fades every time she goes to sleep. At first, the movie sets this premise up as the perfect stage for Sandler-esque hijinks: loads of comic misunderstandings and slapstick, slow-burn frustration, plus some gross-out gags and random Rob Schneider sightings. But the escapist trappings of the movie's Hawaiian setting and laid-back covers of '80s hits slam into a wall once screenwriter George Wing and director Peter Segal realize that they don't have a clean way to resolve their romantic leads' problem. What starts as an adolescent dream—getting to relive the moment of falling in love every day, without having to grapple with the inevitable slow fade of romance—becomes a remarkably uncompromising love story about a determined boy-man and a chronically sick woman. Admirable, in a way. But not much fun.
6. Simply Irresistible (1999)
Unlucky in love and her career as a professional chef, Sarah Michelle Gellar gets her life turned upside down thanks to the divine intervention of a Truman Capote-ish fellow (Christopher Durang) and his magic dancing crab, one of whom gifts her with the ability to make emotion-enhancing food. (The gods apparently have a fondness for Like Water For Chocolate.) All that stands between her and true love ('90s semi-star Sean Patrick Flanery) is his stubbornness and her insecurity, both of which prove magic-crab-resistant for nearly 90 minutes, then vanish just in time for the credits. A flatfooted piece of whimsy, the film failed to confirm Gellar as a viable romantic lead or make crabs synonymous with romance.
7. Failure To Launch (2006)
You know what's an awesome, totally reasonable career choice? Fooling overgrown man-children into falling in love with you, thus "building their confidence" enough to inspire them to move out of their parents' houses, then charging the parents for your services. Good ways to do this include tricking the guy into asking you out, staging a beloved pet's death, and fucking him while his parents are asleep down the hall. Yup, it's a foolproof, not-creepy-at-all business model. Unless, of course, your target is that impish, bronzed frat-boy Matthew McConaughey, in which case, Sarah Jessica Parker, prepare for the ironic sting of Cupid's arrow. In Failure To Launch, Parker's best-laid plans go predictably awry, culminating in a kidnapping and forced reconciliation, which the entire secondary cast watches via remote webcam at a nearby café, because that's totally something friends and family would do. Bonus absurd side romance: Parker's irritable roommate Zooey Deschanel falls for McConaughey's nerdy friend after he helps her take out the noisy bird outside her window with a BB gun.
- Comments