Like The Ravyns once sang, I was raised on the radio. But I haven't been a regular listener for many years. By missing the radio for so long I feel like I've been missing an important piece of the present. So every month I download the top 20 songs from the latest Billboard's Hot 100, and grade them, A.V. Club style. This week I'm looking at (the already out-of-date) September 22, 2007 chart.
20. Justin Timberlake, "LoveStoned/I Think She Knows"
Yet another hit single from the blockbuster FutureSex/LoveSounds LP, and among the best. This song contains my single favorite moment on the album, and I'm glad it survived the radio edit—the dramatic, showstopping guitar break between "Love/Stoned" and the "I Think She Knows" coda. It's the best fake indie rock guitar riff since Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone." Grade: A-
19. 50 Cent featuring Justin Timberlake, "Ayo Technology"
50 Cent is a hack, but he's a genius hack. As a song, "Ayo Technology" is pretty worthless. But as a commercial jingle intended to get a phrase stuck in your head, it's insidiously effective. Once you hear "A-yo, I'm tired of using technology," it will haunt you for the rest of the day. Mindless catchiness is Fiddy's bread and butter; he sounds so bored with it that Timberlake probably had to prop him up in the studio. Maybe the listless beat is really a death rattle. Grade: D
18. Elliott Yamin, "Wait For You"
"Wait For You" is a lite-R&B dentist office ballad you might mistake for a Brian McKnight joint. It's very soothing, but it also might make you nervous. Don't worry—"Wait For You" is not necessarily followed by a root canal. Grade: C+
17. Rhianna featuring Jay-Z, "Umbrella"
Sick of this song yet? Me, too. Grade: C (no change from previous grade)
16. Sean Kingston, "Me Love"
The first of two Sean Kingston singles this week, "Me Love" combines Led Zeppelin's "D'Yer Mak'er" and UB40's cover of "Red Red Wine" because those are two of the only reggae songs not performed by Bob Marley that most people know. Kingston is only 17, so UB40 might as well be Marley (and Zeppelin Robert Johnson). His brand of bubblegum reggae sounds like Shaggy with production by Ace Of Base, only not quite as good. Grade: C
15. Hurricane Chris, "A Bay Bay"
It takes a lot of guts for an 18-year-old kid from Louisiana to call himself Hurricane Chris. Maybe that was Chris Dooley's way of not letting the hurricanes win. Anyway, I learned from USA Today that "A bay bay" is a synonym for "fo' sho.'" Could I have pretended to already know that to appear cooler than I am? A bay bay. Grade: C+
14. Pink, "Who Knew"
Who knew Pink was still around? I didn't until I heard this song. "Who Knew" has some decent fake indie rock guitar during the verse, but otherwise it's a mess. The chorus is a snore, and there's an awful string part bleating through the last half of the song that desperately needs to be edited out. If this is Pink transitioning from a poor man's Gwen Stefani to a poor man's Kelly Clarkson, I'm not sure it's an upgrade. Grade: C
13. Fabolous featuring Ne-Yo, "Make Me Better"
"Make Me Better" is one of those eccentric Timbaland productions where "unique" isn't exactly synonymous with "good." The strings are taken from "Al Sa'ban Aleh" by Egyptian singer Sherine; it's an interesting sample that's more fun to analyze than listen to. If only he could have worked some UB40 in there somewhere. Grade: C+
12. matchbox twenty, "How Far We've Come"
Like any band that sticks around for a long time, matchbox twenty has earned a measure of respect, and not just because the band no longer capitalizes its name. Rob Thomas is a solidly professional pop songwriter, and his band has churned out reliably populist rockers since the grunge era. This generation's Journey is back with one of its better singles, "How Far We've Come." While this piano-pumping Springsteen homage doesn't exactly rock, it's a pretty decent approximation for adult contemporary radio. Grade: B-
11. J. Holiday, "Bed"
"Bed" is a really repetitive, repetitive, repetitive love-makin' jam about putting your girl to bed, bed, bed. J. Holiday—real name Nahum Grymes—says "bed" in "Bed" 78 times, based on my unofficial count. The premise of "Bed" is that J. Holiday is rewarding his woman after a long day at work by totally fucking the shit out of her. Cooking a nice dinner arguably works better. Grade: C
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