10. Keyshia Cole featuring Missy Elliot and L'il Kim, "Let It Go"
"Let It Go" is the biggest hit so far for Keyshia Cole, a big-voiced Oakland native in a Mary J. Blige vein. Take the rappers out of it and "Let It Go" could be a mid-'90s Toni Braxton song. Grade: B-
9. Plies & T-Pain, "Shawty"
At 27, Plies is practically an old man on this chart. So he enlists T-Pain for some assistance, playing Warren G to T's Nate Dogg on his first hit single, "Shawty." The beat is ideal for cruising, which means "Shawty" is more or less successful at what it attempts to achieve. Grade: B
8. Sean Kingston, "Beautiful Girls"
Sean Kingston is back with another hit single anchored by an obvious sample. Sadly, it is not Van Halen's "Beautiful Girls," but Ben E. King's "Stand By Me." Kingston is rumored to have been cast as Notorious B.I.G. in an upcoming biopic. Playing Tupac will be the guy who used to hold Diddy's umbrellas. Grade: C+
7. Plain White T's, "Hey There Delilah"
I've always liked this song, because singer Tom Higgenson just sounds like an earnest 16-year-old kid (even though he's probably in his early 20s) pouring his heart out to his girl while on the road. It's the nice guy version of the dunderhead Nickelback song—is that redundant?—slotted ahead of it on this week's chart. Plus, my step-niece loves this song, because her boyfriend really is 1,000 miles away and she's relying on "planes and trains and cars" to see him again. One person's sentimental pop ballad is another person's life, man. Grade: B. (no grade change)
6. Nickelback, "Rockstar"
Obviously, you want to be a member of Nickelback. Who wouldn't want to join forces with a wild, shirtless frontman like Chad Kroeger, a bone-rattling bassist like Mike Kroeger, and a competent drummer like Ryan Vikedal? But being a Nickelbacker is not all it's cracked up to be, says the band's latest hit "Rockstar." Why do successful rock bands feel the need to make songs warning people about the dangers of the rock life? Are they trying to help us, or discourage competition? Perhaps this isn't really Nickelback at all—it's a cyborg Nickelback sent from a post-apocalyptic future to prevent the formation of future Nickelback-like bands. It's an unlikely possibility, but it makes me want to like this song. But when Kroeger sings "I'm gonna dress my ass with the latest fashion," I can't find the strength. Grade: C-
5. T-Pain featuring Akon, "Bartender"
I'm totally a T-Pain fan. I loved "Buy U A Drank" because it was essentially an old fashioned, sweet-natured R&B jam about wanting to buy a nice girl a drank. Now T-Pain is back with another ode to the service industry, and this time he's joined by a guy best known in the popular culture for dry-humping a 15-year-old preacher's daughter on stage. Have no fear, Akon does not prevent T-Pain from getting his sweet on during this likeable "Buy U A Drank" re-write. In a recent episode of VH1's The Pickup Artist, stupid goggle-donning "artist" Mystery revealed that the key to picking up a bartender is demonstrating higher value, which T-Pain does by "everybody jackin' me as soon as I stepped in the spot." Soon, the bartender is winking at him and pouring him shots. Where were you guys when I was single? Grade: B.
4. Timbaland featuring Keri Hilson and D.O.E., "The Way I Are"
How bad is the filler on Shock Value? I only know the singles, which have been pretty solid, but the CD has a lowly Metacritic score of 54. Maybe Timbaland just runs out of tricks over the course of an album. The stuttering synth riff on "The Way I Are" is straight from the usual Timbaland playbook; it's his Packers power sweep move. It still works, but the competition is catching on. Grade: B-.
3. Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry"
"Big Girls Don't Cry" was at No. 3 on the June 28 chart—my last Top 40 column—and it's still at No. 3 three months later. [Pause while I shake my fist at the sky and curse God.] "Big Girls Don't Cry" has become my personal Groundhog Day, and I can sense Fergie taunting me every time I hear her sing, "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses her blanket." Speak for yourself. Please don't be here when I visit again next month. Grade: D. (down from D+)
2. Kanye West, "Stronger"
It would be a tall order for anybody to top singles as great as "Through The Wire," "Jesus Walks," "Gold Digger", and "Touch The Sky." But with "Stronger" Kanye West doesn't even appear to try. The Daft Punk sample is pretty lazy, and the raps need some fact-checking—for the record, he has not been on ya "since Prince was on Apollonia" or "since OJ had Isotoners." At the earliest he's been on ya since his debut record The College Dropout in 2004, or when "Schilling's socks had blood on 'em." Grade: C+
1. Soulja Boy, "Crank That"
How do you solve a problem like Soulja Boy? The debut single from 17-year-old DeAndre Cortez Way—who wrote and produced the song himself—is a huge hit that has sparked the latest (line) dancing craze. Great story. "Crank That" also is the most claw-your-eyes-out annoying song to come along in many years,. I'm pretty sure I hate it, but I'm also pretty sure I'm not hearing it in the proper enviroment. To understand "Crank That," you have to be at a really loud party or club and drunk enough to think that synchronized dancing with strangers is a really fine idea. Until that happens I'm giving "Crank That" an INCOMPLETE, with the fault on me and not on Soulja Boy. Perhaps this will offer some assistance:
(Please don't throw objects at your screen.)
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