Like The Ravyns once sang, I was raised on the radio. But I haven't been a regular listener for many years. By missing the radio for so long I feel like I've been missing an important piece of the present. So every month I download the Top 20 songs from the latest Billboard Hot 100, and grade them, A.V. Club style.
Unfortunately, the Hot 100 still is mostly unchanged from the last time I reviewed it in December, so I'm reviewing the Top 20 from the R&B/Hip-Hop chart for March 1. On a related note, this is the first This Was Pop column written since the implementation of The Keys Act Of 2008. This new rule, passed by me with a unanimous vote, states that I don't have to write about a song more than twice. The rule is named after Alicia Keys, whose song "No One" has been amply covered in This Was Pop over the past several months. Rather than reach ever-deeper into the recesses of my backside for further critical analysis and/or jokey cheap shots, I'm skipping "No One" this month and other persistently-popular, covered-to-death hits to come. Cool? Too bad! Let's get to the rippity, rippity, rap!
20. Mariah Carey, "Touch My Body"
No. Grade: B-
19. Lupe Fiasco Featuring Matthew Santos, "Superstar"
Considering Lupe Fiasco still does better with music writers than music fans, I think Lupe Fiasco's The Cool would have benefited from an October or November (instead of December) release date to garner more best-of 2007 list love. I know The Cool would have made my list had I heard it two weeks sooner. So, here's some belated hype: The Cool is awesome. Buy it. Please. And don't pay attention to the funeral-paced "Superstar," one of the album's few duds, marred by an overbearing, annoying cameo by folk singer Matthew Santos and his meticulously enunciated, Joshua Tree-era Bono impression. Note to Lupe: Unleash the scintillating "Gold Watch" on the airwaves to clear this stench. Grade: C+
18. Kanye West Featuring Dwele, "Flashing Lights"
I haven't been crazy about the singles off of Graduation—after the heights of "Through The Wire" and "Gold Digger" great unfairly becomes a sworn enemy of merely good—but I really like this one. Maybe I just prefer the lonely and insecure Kanye to the insufferably megalomaniacal Kanye. Not that Kanye isn't ever at least a little megalomaniacal: In the video for "Flashing Lights" Kanye is beaten to death by a big-breasted, mostly-naked woman with a shovel while he's bound and gagged in the trunk of a car. This, of course, is hysterically inappropriate for a music video but actually pretty appropriate for the song, which is about realizing that the person you're in love with is completely wrong for you. Normally this is just sad (or possibly liberating), but for melodramatic types like Kanye it's plain deadly. I can only imagine how crazy the girl must have been to make Kanye feel sane. Grade: A
17. Alicia Keys, "No One"
Please see The Keys Act of 2008. Grade: N/A (previous grade: B+)
16. Rocko, "Umma Do Me"
Social conservatives accuse rappers of using music like a Kanye-smashing shovel to chip away at our precious American values, but Rocko is here repair the damage. "Umma Do Me" is an anthem promoting rugged, "U! S! A!"-style individualism. You wear Bally, I wear Reebok, and that's OK, because in this country we have freedom of choice when it comes to corporate allegiances, and umma do me some brazen product placements. Even Bill O'Reilly can bob his head to that. Grade: B-
15. Ray J & Yung Berg, "Sexy Can I"
Seeing someone naked—whether in person or in a sex tape that's been leaked online—creates a lifelong bond with that person, which must explain my affection for "Sexy Can I." I saw Ray J's cock penetrate celebrity ho-bag Kim Kardashian long before I heard one of his songs, and I'm pleased to report that his music is much more entertaining than his fucking. Of course, Ray J's music sounds like fucking, so maybe there's not much of a difference. Grade: B
14. Fat Joe Featuring J. Holiday, "I Won't Tell"
I love the title of Fat Joe's upcoming album—The Elephant In The Room—a lot more than its second single "I Won't Tell." It's not a bad song; I don't think I'd like "I Won't Tell" more if it included a clever, self-effacing joke referencing Fat Joe's fatness. It's just that this standard issue ballad has zippo personality, and its anonymity isn't helped by guest star J. Holiday, who's looking to become the T-Pain of '08. Grade: C
13. Jaheim, "Never"
I'm a sucker for slow and sultry '70s soul—who isn't?—so Jaheim's "Never" hits all my sweet spots. This is just a really solid, no-frills ballad in a Teddy Pendergrass vein that I could hear 100 times and probably never get sick of. (Not that I'm about to test that theory.) Grade: A-
12. Trey Songz, "Can't Help But Wait"
Trey Songz' "Can't Help But Wait" is from the Step Up 2 The Streets soundtrack. I'm not sure if this is the love theme from Step Up 2 The Streets but it should be. "Can't Help But Wait" is a one-sided love song, which is the best kind of love song because it's the one absolutely everyone can relate to. Trey's girl belongs to somebody else, and even if the guy is a jerk Trey loves the girl so much that he doesn't want to hurt her by pointing it out: "I don't want to come between you and your man, even though I know I'll treat you better than he can." If only Trey didn't bring skeezy stripper-songster Plies in on the remix; it's like doing a duet with the jerk he's singing about. Grade: B†
11. Shawty Lo, "Dey Know"
This chart needs another shawty like the modern rock chart needs another surly male with stupid facial hair. Grade: C
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