December 3rd, 2007
1. Band-Aid, "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
There's plenty of lyrical bullshit in this charity cavalcade of British pop stars—do the starving children in Africa really care if it's Christmas, or where it's snowing?—but the most egregious line comes from Bono, who should've thought twice before belting out this horrible, horrible lyric: "Well tonight, thank God it's them instead of you!" Seriously, Bono? We know you didn't write it, but if you're just screaming at the sky anyway, a sentiment more along the lines of, "Tonight, let's pray that nobody is starving" would've been much, much better.
2. Best Buy "Pierced" commercial
Ads like this quasi-satirical Best Buy spot reflect society's mixed feelings about an era dominated by spoiled teenagers. On one hand, it mocks a bratty, overindulged 13-year-old who has all the high-tech gear she could possibly want, but who still finds reason to complain because her parents refuse to let her get her bellybutton pierced. On the other, it rewards the ungrateful teen with brightly colored packages full of even more electronic doodads—just like the swag bags and attention lavished upon the Paris Hiltons of the world. Here's a cheery question to ponder this Christmas: Why do we keep trying to buy their love when they're so unworthy of it?
3. Christmas On Death Row
Get a fire crackling in the hearth, make sure Grandma's asleep in her easy chair, place gifts glistening in shiny paper under a pine tree bedecked with twinkling lights and handcrafted ornaments, then slap this motherfucker on and get your motherfucking spirit on. Masterminded by label head and convicted felon Suge Knight, the Christmas On Death Row collection is worth the price alone for its cover art (a hooded Santa Claus in ankle cuffs, surrounded by colorful gifts and strapped to an electric chair). But nothing says Christmas like Snoop Dogg's "Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto," where the Doggfather raps, "Ain't no help from no elves, just tha Dogg Pound / And we passin' out gifts, blazin' up spliffs / Christmas on the row, can you dig it?" Ho, ho, ho, yo.
4. The Life And Adventures Of Santa Claus
Ever since stop-motion animation mavens Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass adapted the song "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" into a popular TV special in 1964, their company's name has been synonymous with Christmas nostalgia—even though, let's face it, some of their holiday specials have been a little dodgy. (Sure, everyone loves Heat Miser and Snow Miser, but is there anything about The Year Without A Santa Claus that makes a lick of sense? Up to and including the idea that Santa would decide to take a day off on the ONE DAY A YEAR when he has any frickin' responsibilities?!) As the '60s gave way to the '70s and then the '80s, R/B's Yuletide productions grew more and more arcane, striving to explain the origin of every Christmas tradition from stockings to snow. Santa-themed TV specials don't get much more opportunistic or outré than the 1985 adaptation of L. Frank Baum's The Life And Adventures Of Santa Claus, which takes Baum's Euro-myth-ridden retelling of Santa's origin and ramps up the action for the Masters Of The Universe generation, as Claus battles troll-like creatures in order to prove his mettle to the council of Immortals who raised him from infancy. Dry, confusing, and decidedly un-Christmas-y, The Life And Adventures Of Santa Claus replaces all that "Peace On Earth" jazz with "Beware my laser-shooting magic axe, evildoers!" It's ready-made for teenage pot smokers looking for a version of Kris Kringle to airbrush onto the side of their bitchen vans.
5. Lionel Playworld's commercials
Lionel Playworld didn't get to (briefly) be one of the biggest toy stores in the U.S. in the 1980s by playing softball. The company's 1987 commercial shows kids what Christmas at grandma's is supposed to be: a nonstop orgy of toy shopping! Sure, grandma is apparently a widow charged with caring for the kids while their parents have a night on the town. But that doesn't stop her can-shop spirit as her grandkids drag her through the aisles, letting Lionel Playworld turn their frown, as the insistent jingle repeats, upside down. Wait, your grandma doesn't blow wads of cash on you at Lionel Playworld? Clearly your grandma is crap.
- Comments