December 3rd, 2007
6. Mannheim Steamroller Christmas (1984)
What possible moral could a bunch of New Age, "baroque and roll" instrumental treatments of Christmas classics like Mannheim Steamroller's multi-platinum holiday favorite have to impart? Granted, there's no explicit message on offer, but the music implies, contrary to the spirit of the season, that God hates you and has employed a New Age outfit as the vessel for his wrath. After a few listens, the twilly, mercilessly synthesized strains of "Deck The Halls" and "We Three Kings" might seem like a refreshing break from the usual earnest caroling from Nat King Cole or some pop star of the moment. But repeated exposure will lead to a bout of holiday-wrecking psychosis, if not cancer.
7. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"
There are few holiday songs lovelier than the Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane-penned "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," which made its debut in Vincente Minnelli's classic 1944 musical Meet Me In St. Louis. But as a 2006 article in Entertainment Weekly explained, the song—which is plenty melancholy in Meet Me In St. Louis—was originally much darker, basically implying that our good times are at an end, so we'd best enjoy ourselves while we can. Over the years, singers have altered the lyrics to suit their needs, making the song happier or sadder depending on the mood they're trying to convey. But in the right (or wrong) context, that doleful melody and nostalgic sentiment can still devastate, making those inclined to holiday depression practically suicidal.
8. The Santa Clause
What kind of kids' movie kills Santa Claus? The same movie that posits TV funnyman Tim Allen as a worthy replacement for the dead Kris Kringle. In The Santa Clause, Allen plays a dad too busy to understand what's really important—namely his annoying son Charlie—so what better way to learn than by accidentally scaring jolly ol' Saint Nick off your roof and killing him? Allen ends up taking Santa's place at the North Pole, teaching kids what Christmas is really all about: covering up your crime by impersonating the victim.
9. Jack Frost
In Jack Frost, Michael Keaton plays yet another dad too busy to understand what's really important—he also has an annoying son named Charlie—so what better way to learn than to die and come back as an unintentionally sinister-looking snowman? Nothing says fun for the whole family quite like the living dead. Actually, another movie named Jack Frost (released just a year before this one) applies the "man dies and comes back as a snowman" concept to the horror genre. As a family movie, it's even creepier.
10. Coca-Cola's "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" commercial
The holidays have traditionally been about peace, and in these troubled times, with unrest and lingering fears of terrorism at home and abroad, it's nice to be reminded that a 12-ounce can of caffeinated, carbonated, corn-syrupy soda was once a magical elixir that could elicit global harmony. Reverend Jim Jones had his Flavor Aid, but this beverage company saw fit to assemble a veritable rainbow coalition of international youngsters on a hilltop, holding candles, gently swaying, and singing earnestly, "I'd like to buy the world a home / Furnish it with love" and, of course, "I'd like to teach the world to sing / In perfect harmony / I'd like to buy the world a Coke / And keep it company." You have your Native American gal in perfect braids, what appears to be a geisha, and some hippie chicks, but watch for that cowboy in the denim vest, looking into the camera, adding his simple plea, "Coca-Cola." He's the only one that probably celebrates Christmas—the rest are either high as kites, or Buddhists.
« Previous | 1 | 2 | 3 | Next »
- Comments