Last night on The Hills Season Finale after-party, sandwiched in between bouts of high-pitched screaming, endless yammering by two hosts wearing young people costumes, and Usher's heartfelt admission (through song) that he wants to make love, right here, in this club presumably to you, MTV dug deep into their promotional reserves and unearthed a six-minute trailer for their latest televised gag reflex: My Super Sweet 16 Presents: Exiled

The premise of the show is to "punish" some of the spoiled brats from My Super Sweet 16. How? By giving them each their own camera crew, TV show, and mountains and mountains of the attention that they so desperately crave. There's also something about sending them to less-affluent countries to live with poor people for a week in order to give them each a "reality check," but the reality of most poor people in less affluent countries doesn't include TV cameras, liability waivers, monetary compensation for living poor, and daily interviews with producers about how you're really growing as a person.

I'm sure that Amanda (who is at least 35, no matter what MTV says) learned a lot from the seven whole days she spent in Africa in the long shadow of MTV's cameras. No doubt she learned that it's hard to maintain your crispy curls in the dry heat of Nairobi, that eyeliner can melt very easily, and that she never wants to go to Africa again. But the biggest lesson she learned was definitely this: if you're spectacularly spoiled enough, you can easily make a career out of acting spoiled on TV.

This summer, CBS is hoping to make their audience interested in sex again, which isn't easy when the only reference to sex on your network is repeated use of the phrase "presence of semen" on the roughly 8 hours of CSI that air each week.

CBS's sexual re-awakening comes in the form of Swingtown, a drama about open marriages, key parties, bored suburbanites, handlebar mustaches, fondue, and everything else tawdry or dirty about the 1970s. Basically it's The Ice Storm meets The Wonder Years--which is almost exactly how it was pitched.

If the show looks more like something that would air on HBO or Showtime, that's because the creators (Mike Kelley and Alan Poul) made Swingtown with the cable networks in mind, and they only went with CBS after HBO passed on it. But there was a problem: the sex drama had a little too much sex in it for network TV.

From The NY Times:

There was, however, the not insignificant matter of nudity and the graphic depiction of sexual acts. The script, as written for cable, was rife with both. Mr. Kelley, in consultation with Mr. Poul, was directed to do a rewrite.

“I think we’re able to be more groundbreaking and more culturally subversive by putting this on a network, where more people will be exposed to it and where we’ll have to deal with these adult issues in an oblique way,” Mr. Poul said.

Mr. Kelley agreed. “I actually think the shackles of having to show more explicit things every week to week to week on cable would have been far more constricting.”

Um, maybe. But certainly turning your show about crazy sex parties and open marriages into one big tease is a little constricting too, right? Also, what would you put in place of the offending "graphic depictions of sexual acts"? The article doesn't go into specifics, but here are a few ideas for sex replacements in Swingtown:

--Bingo tournaments ("I want to play bingo with your wife. Would you like to play bingo with mine?" has a nice ring to it.)

--A camera that pans out the window and zooms in on a sunset whenever people start kissing.

--Furious building of birdhouses (A repressed wife catches her husband building a birdhouse in the garage, and later describes the horrible scene to her friend, "He was in there. Alone. Surrounded by tiny nails, and hammering.")

--Liberal use of giant black boxes to cover anything that could be considered nudity.

--Shot after shot of icicles forming on tree branches

--Slo-mo dissolves of horses running whenever a character takes off his shirt.

In 1990, a young(er) Bill O'Reilly took a seat at the soda fountain at Schwab's Drug Store and ordered his usual: A root beer float topped with Gummi Bears ("Only the green ones, you idiot!" he reminded the clerk, "Does that look green to you!?") and served with a spoon so shiny O'Reilly could gaze at his own reflection while slurping down the treat.

As it happens, a big-time Fox News Network executive was passing by when he noticed the wild-eyed man at the drug store counter, and the sight of O'Reilly made him stop in his tracks. There was just something about him--the pure flames of ego flickering behind his eyes, the jaw clenched in anger even as he sipped a root beer float, the way he would stare into the shiny spoon and endlessly fluff his thinning hair--this man had "it." So the Fox News Network executive triumphantly swung open the Drug Store door, took a seat on the stool next to O'Reilly, and whispered in his ear, "Hey Kid. How'd you like to be a star?" O'Reilly spit in his face out of pure instinct. And with that, Fox News Network's angriest bloviator was born.

Either that, or someone at Fox saw this clip of O'Reilly erupting at everyone and everything around him as an anchor on Inside Edition, and said, "He'll do."

I love the silent tantrum at the end of this clip: it's like O'Reilly is dancing to song made out of rage that only he can hear.

This Week In Terrifying Hybrids

1. Life philosophy based on archery accoutrements + lack of birth control + the strongest uterus in the world + an apparently endless supply of "j" names = The Duggar Family

Oh, you're pregnant again? Considering that you've already had 17 kids and that your adult life has essentially been one long pregnancy, it would be more newsworthy if you weren't pregnant, Mrs. Duggar. Where is the Today Show segment about that? Mother Of 18's Uterus Finally Empty.

I'm surprised one of the kids didn't start sobbing uncontrollably when they announced their latest pregnancy.

In case you're unfamiliar with the Duggars and their horrific Discovery Health Channel Show, they're a family made up of two thoroughly spacey and marginally evil parents, 17 essentially interchangeable children, more garbage than a small city, and they're basically the cause of global warming. That last part isn't exactly true, but if they ever discover a hole in the Ozone layer directly above Arkansas, it's probably because the Duggars were constantly running their washer/dryer for 35 years in order to have clean laundry for the 18 kids on their compound.

Every news story about the Duggars focuses on zany math of their family: 100 bananas a week! 200 loads of laundry a month! 9000 diapers a year! 1,000,000 loving glances from the kids unreturned by their incredibly distracted parents! But the giant, empty-eyed elephant in the room is insanity: no one mentions how totally insane you would have to be to think that having 18 kids is a good idea (though they sometimes mention how totally religious you'd have to be--the Duggars are part of the Quiverfull movement). The first question that anyone asks the Duggars should always be: So when did you first realize you were crazy?

Another issue that is constantly overlooked in the coverage of the Duggars: they name all their kids "J" names, but why would they make up a name like "Jinger" (the name of their 14-year-old) before finally getting around to an obvious name like "Jennifer" (the name of their current youngest)? Weird.

2. The Kardashians + political awareness + dressing rooms = The most tonally weird PSA about Burma

Where is the FunnyOrDie logo? This is a joke, right?

When you're talking about raising money to stop government-sponsored rape, you should probably use a different inflection than when you're pronouncing a Herve Leger dress, "Sexy." Unless, of course, you're kidding. But the Kardashians say they're totally NOT kidding, so unless this is a parody of something (of life, maybe? That's what Keeping Up With The Kardashians is, right?) then this is probably a pretty ineffective PSA.

3. Meat Loaf + AT&T + Tiffany + the uncontrollable urge to put your fingers in your ears and never take them out = Go Phone Commercial.

A cell phone commercial is actually a pretty appropriate avenue for a Meat Loaf song: the showiness of Meat Loaf really meshes well with the relentlessly annoying aspects of all cell phone advertising. It's a seamlessly irritating combination that is really hammered into your temporal lobe, due in no small part to the fact that this commercial airs at least 100 times a day. "Let me sleep on iiit!" is now constantly ringing in my ears, and I can't stop buying Go Phones just to throw them at my television. So kudos, AT&T.

This week, MTV unveiled the nominees for this year's towering, glittering, shiny-popcorn-filled monument to idiocy: The MTV Movie Awards—which is the only awards show not sponsored by Maxim to single out both Jessica Biel’s nuanced performance as Girl Who Flirts With Fake-Gay Adam Sandler in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, and Megan Fox’s studied turn in Transformers as Token Love Interest. Other films vying for a sweaty-palmed high-five from MTV include Disturbia, Step Up 2: The Streets, and National Treasure 2: Treasurier—small, largely unseen movies that truly deserve all the accolades they can get.

This year marks the 17th time that MTV has shouted “Woooooo!” in the general direction of Hollywood, but in those 17 years I still haven’t figured out exactly what the point of the MTV Movie Awards is—besides, of course, to draw celebrities to the show in order to garner ratings and advertising dollars, like any old awards show, and to give Chris Brown the shout-out he totally deserves for his role in This Christmas (he texted with such believability!).

Mark Burnett, the show’s producer, said that he thinks the MTV Movie Awards are “the most relevant movie award show in America today.” And who knows more about cultural relevancy than the creator of My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad? Burnett also added:

This show honors the movies that millions of young Americans go to see.”

Unfortunately there’s already an award for that, Mark. It’s called money. Young Americans have already honored those movies with the millions of dollars that they spent to go see them. It’s not as if young people are a reclusive minority whose voice goes largely unheard by the entertainment industry. Who do you think they made Disturbia for? Why else would there be an Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem?

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a useless awards show. I mean, obviously there is something very wrong with that, but it isn’t abnormal. Most, if not all, awards shows are useless: The People’s Choice Awards, The Golden Globes, The Oscars, all of them can be distilled down to a fine vapor of meaninglessness and Us Weekly Fashion Disasters pages. But some of those awards have at least the sheen of importance. The MTV Movie Awards do not.

And since they have no hope of appearing important, or of celebrating a movie in a meaningful way, the MTV Movie Awards should just fully embrace their meaninglessness. How? Increasingly meaningless award categories. MTV is already off to a good start with “Best Villain,” “Best Fight,” and “Best Summer Movie So Far.” But those categories aren’t inane enough. Here are a few suggestions for MTV Movie Award categories that will really hammer home the meaninglessness of the whole thing:

Best 'Splosion

Awesomest Dude You Would Most Want To Hang Out With In Real Life

Johnny Depp Award (given annually to Johnny Depp)

Best Use Of Eyebrows To Demonstrate Evil

Best Fucked Up Shit

Best Movie Outfit That You Would Totally Buy If Someone Told You Where You Could Buy It And It Wasn't Too Expensive

Best Acting By Non-Actor (This year the award would either go to Chris Brown in This Christmas, or Shia LeBoeuf's Strokes T-shirt in Transformers.

Greatest Product Placement

Best Superbad