For years, people of Earth have wondered what is this thing Scientology? Is it all stress tests in the subway, Kirstie Alley testimonials, and severe haircuts? Is it some kind of grandiose outer space story/R. Kelly parody, as the cartoons would have us believe? Or is it merely melted intensity poured into a smile and covered with stained glass windows (like Episcopalianism)?

Well, thanks to this recently unearthed 2004 video, we finally have our answer. Scientology is kind of like Fox News Channel: rambling, intense, nonsensical, graphics-happy, often scored to bombastic music, prone to overuse of the word "freedom" (as in "The Freedom Medal Of Valor"), and unintentionally hilarious.

I'm making this speech my new ringtone, because I like my ringtones to be punctuated with bouts of creepy laughter, completely confusing, and 8-minutes long. (That's why my current ringtone is an extended version of a song by Jordy.)

(UPDATE: This new video should work for a while, but when it gets pulled, you can watch it here. At least until the white vans arrive. On a happier note, the Jordy video is, thankfully, still available.)