AVC: Why are you drawn to that kind of material?
AS: I think that it's interesting, that they're just interesting people. I've always been drawn to that. I'm just curious about them, and I guess I relate to it somehow. And those people are drawn to me. They're drawn to everyone in my family. I don't know, I'd much rather talk to someone like that than the girls down here in the meat-packing district. You know, people who are so pretty that they're used to people wanting to talk to them because they are attractive. And it's so boring, and they have nothing to say. They don't have to say anything, because they are so pretty to look at, or what people think is pretty to look at. I usually think that the pretty people are, you know, they're just not interesting to me.
AVC: You're working on a hospitality book.
AS: Yes. It comes out in October. It's called I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence. And it's all my jackpot recipes. And Paul Dinello helped me write it. I wanted to take it seriously. There wasn't a joke in it. The only joke I wanted was a black-and-white color wheel. And then Paul came over one afternoon and he was reading it, and he started making fun of me trying to take it seriously, and commenting on all the stuff. Well, now it's more entertaining, and that's only because of him. It's full of recipes and my craft ideas. I art-directed it. I got a team of people together and told them what I wanted and how I wanted it, and we all worked together, so it's a very visual book. I always say it's for illiterate people, because you can follow it just by looking at the pictures. So visually, it's a good book.
AVC: What are some of your craft ideas?
AS: I have a lot of pantyhose ideas, and I put googly eyes on everything. You can't walk into my apartment without stepping on a googly eye. I've got how to make fake cakes, how to make a fake hatchet, a craft set of felt, how to make a stuffed turtle and a stuffed snake, you know, things I like.
AVC: Does anyone wear pantyhose anymore?
AS: I had to order all my color pantyhose off eBay. I couldn't find any. That's why if I see someone in pantyhose, I'm gonna buy that woman's book. The same way I won't buy someone's book if their author's photo in the back has a cowboy hat on. I bought a book recently, I don't even remember the name of it, but it sounded great. And I got home and opened it, and the girl had a cowboy hat on. I went right back to the bookstore and said, "I can't. I can't read this book… She's got a cowboy hat on. I don't even know what she has to say." And the lady laughed and said, "You know, Amy, I thought the same thing when I saw that picture."
AVC: You generally collaborate with Colbert and Dinello, or with your brother. Would you ever consider doing something totally on your own?
AS: I tried with this book, and then I really just couldn't. Sometimes you need people to work against so they can say "No, that's a bad idea, how about this?" Or you just need someone to bounce ideas off of. You know, like you can have the idea or you can write what you want, but when you bounce it off someone else, they can heighten it or make it better. So I really thought at first, "Hey, this is entertaining, I know how to do this," and then later, I was like, "Paul! You gotta help me!" I feel confident writing on my feet with improv, but it's different when you're sitting down and writing it out. You can't just throw something out—you gotta explain to people what it is. Or my mind just jumps all over the place, and you gotta hone it in. So he helped me so much. I need an audience or a response, or somebody to work off of.
AVC: What are you working on next?
AS: I'm trying to have a baby. God, don't you hate when people say that? It's like, "Fuck you. Did you have to put that in my head? I see you trying. I see you trying to have a baby." [Laughs.] Do not want to hear that. Or like, "It took us a long time," it's like "Eww, oh God, go!"
Well, the book, I'm in the middle of it. I have to turn it in July 8, and then I get it back with all that red writing on it, get it copyedited, and then it goes to the printer August 8, so I'm working with these young kids, and we call ourselves The Dingbats, because I found out what dingbats and drop caps were while working on the book.
AVC: Did you really do 22 interviews yesterday? And then there are 19 today?
AS: Yeah, 19. I did an interview yesterday, and she was like, "Oh gosh, I don't know what to ask. A friend of mine wanted me to ask you about astrology."
It's like, "Why are you wasting my time? Like, why? Where have you read that I'm into astrology?" Maybe some of them can be a little more fanatical, like they're just fans, and that's fine. I'll talk to anybody, and I enjoy talking to people, but when it's a schedule like this, or interviewers set you up for questions like, "Has your brother ever written a story about this?" it's like, "Okay, you already know the answer to that." Then I don't want to play, because they're just re-doing somebody else's interview and they want those answers, or they get disappointed because it's not funny. I guess my approach is to take things more seriously, so they get disappointed if you're not giving funny answers. Or they ask funny questions and you don't know how to answer them. Like, they'll set you up for something just ridiculous.
AVC: What did you say about astrology?
AS: I said, "I don't know anything." I mean, I have a friend whose mother is an astrologist, and I'm friends with her two daughters, but I don't know anything about astrology. I know that crabs are sensitive on the inside but hard on the outside, and that in relationships it's hard for them to let go because they have pinchers and they collect a lot of antiques. But I go, "That's all I know about crabs." [Laughs.] "They feed off the bottom of the ocean, man. They're scum." You know, it's like a Cancer wouldn't be good to go out with an Aries, because you wouldn't find a ram on the beach any more than you'd find a crab up on the mountaintop. I like to think of astrology like that. I like to put 'em in situations.
AVC: You think about them literally.
AS: Yeah. Like the little creatures. But I love thinking about crabs and their pinchers, and how they're all sensitive. And how they have a weird way of walking. Like, crabs will get to where they want to go, but they have to go their own way because they are side-walkers. They're not gonna go from A to B. They're gonna go all the way around, and then they'll get to B. They just have a different approach. So when I think of astrology, I like to think of little crabs and things. Because I am from North Carolina and we used to go crabbing. And you crab with chicken necks and fish heads—just tie a string and whip them around each other's backs. And then we'd catch all these crabs, and David would set them free once we got them back to the cottage, and fuckin' freak us out. Imagine, 25 crabs everywhere in the cottage. It was so terrifying.
AVC: Is there anything else you want to talk about?
AS: Hmm. I don't know. Paella?
AVC: Do you have a paella recipe?
AS: I don't. No one's going to try any of my recipes. Do you know how hard it is to describe how to open a fucking baked potato? Seriously. I like baked potatoes a lot. I make them a lot in the oven. I was trying to describe how you have to slice them down the middle and push the two ends toward each other… I swear to God, it was two paragraphs. Paul was trying to help me. I was like, "God dang it." It's just so hard to describe things like that.
AVC: Instructional food writing must be hard.
AS: Nightmare! But Playboy magazine, they're good about it, because they have boundaries, because it's Playboy. Like if they're describing something, they'll say "Smack three shallots on the side," and it just sounds so sexy and so much fun to smack a shallot. My mom had a recipe she got from a Playboy magazine, and it was a big deal. All of us, it was like, "We want the Playboy steak with wine-butter sauce!" So I put that in my book.
AVC: Is your cupcake recipe in there?
AS: Yes. But my recipe is like, "Look, you are supposed to get 24, but I get 18, I'm doing something wrong, but maybe you won't." And it's true. I mean, it's my way. I'm not saying I am a pro at any of it. Basically, I just try and let people know that entertaining is entertaining, and I'm just trying to get people back to the basics, just for getting a group of people together where the TV's not on, or you don't have to listen to the words of a song, you're just sitting around talking. People just aren't doing that much any more.
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