Letter-writing campaigns are often a powerful tool for fans who wish to affect decisions made in the entertainment industry, particularly those involving the cancellation of TV shows. But this practice is less common in the music world. With that in mind, The Onion has provided some sample letters to get you started.
1.
Kurupt The Kingpin
Antra Productions
c/o A&M Records
10900 Wilshire Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90024
Dear Mr. Kingpin,
As a longtime fan, I want you and your new company, Antra Productions, to do well in the competitive rap marketplace. So I must tell you that while your rap moniker, Kurupt The Kingpin, might have suited you well in your earlier professional endeavors, I feel it may now hinder you in your business career. Simply put, I'm afraid that very few honest businessmen will want to do business with a man named Kurupt. It may be advisable for you to change your name to something with more pleasant connotations; might I suggest Kingpin The Honest Businessman? This new moniker would retain the current "flava" of your name, while not besmirching your status as a reputable person with whom to do business.
Peace Out,
(Your name here)
2.
David Bowie
c/o Virgin Records
338 N. Foothill Rd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
www.davidbowie.com
Dear Mr. Bowie,
As a longtime fan, I am concerned with your declining album sales. This slide could be quickly reversed if you would only complete the work you began in 1995, when you riveted the public with your popular and influential concept album Outside, announced as the first installment in a trilogy. Your musical tale of the art-murder of Baby Grace was all fans could talk about for months; during that time, you could step into any small-town bar and the topic of conversation would always be the same: Who killed Baby Grace? Some suspected tyrannical futurist Ramona Stone. Others thought petty thief Leon Blank the more likely suspect. Needless to say, anticipation of Outside 2 has bordered on the obsessive, which is why you must finish the trilogy—if not for your own sake, then for the sake of your adoring public and the fans who have waited four long years for you to answer all the nagging questions. Please.
Sincerely,
(Your name here)
3.
Antonio Banderas
c/o Agents Associes
201 Rue Du Faubourg Saint-Honore
75008 Paris
Dear Mr. Banderas,
Recently, you've gone public with your desire to star as the Phantom Of The Opera in a film version of the popular Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. But, let's face it: It's probably not going to happen. The play is too old, it was cheesy to begin with, and I'm sure Michael Crawford wouldn't be too happy if anyone other than he were to star in a film version. However, if you still want to play a similar role, why not purchase the film rights to former Geto Boy Bushwick Bill's concept album Phantom Of The Rapra? Sure, Bushwick Bill is an unstable, questionably talented dwarf and, sure, his album doesn't possess any sort of linear narrative, but it can't be any worse than the Andrew Lloyd Webber version. Plus, playing the part of a mentally imbalanced, rapping Jamaican dwarf would certainly silence anyone who claims that you possess a limited range. Let me know what you think.
Your Fan,
(Your name here)
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